Yeshiva University - Masmid Yearbook (New York, NY)

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Lamm reached for his phone and said: Send in Tauber . A gigantic man strode into the office. The detective started to sweat. He had been in sim- ilar situations, but never exactly lil e this. The man ' s face — it was covered by a mesh metal mask. What it covered? — the detective didn ' t want to think about. Hey Lah! , Tauber said, saluting. Lamm quickly appraised him of the situation. When he got to the phrase: When it ' s cold you shiver , Tauber paled. Sounds like a fencer , he exclaimed. You mean, stolen goods? the detective asked. Tauber glared. No, I mean fencing, like epee, foil, saber . Oh. So that means that the caller was on the Fencing Team . But what does it mean? Lamm and Tauber both said at the same instant. They looked at each other. I don ' t know , the detective said, but I ' ll find out . The plan was simple. He would enter the school as an exchange student from Afranistan. This would enable him to blend into the student body, and to infiltrate deeply into the maze of Yeshiva College. But first he had to register. He entered the registrar ' s office. He saw people rushing back and forth, papers flying, phones ringing. He was amazed at the way the people were efficiently wasting time. After watch- ing for a few minutes, he tripped a hunched-over man carrying a tremendous stack of books. Look what you ' ve done now the man said, dusting himself off. Sorry, but I had to get your attention . But now we ' ll be delayed another three years. These catalogs must be dirt-free. They must . . . Look, I just want to register . The man got up slowly. He looked suspiciously at the detective. Register? But the semester has already start- ed . I have special permission from the Dean. I ' m an exchange student from Afranistan . Then he added wrily: My father is the crown prince . The man ' s eyes widened. He licked his lips, and started breathing quickly. Did you say Afranistan? Famous people, mon- ey, movie stars, money, swimming pools, money That ' s right , the detective said, pausing, and I ' m prepared to pay in full . . . cash! Desks, files, typewriters, secretaries were all dimly noted articles as the detective was plunged headlong Into a cramped office. The man was pulling him into a chair. On the office desk was a sign that read: THE BUCK PASSES HERE . My name is Edelstein. What ' s yours? Shabtai Tsvi Leinovich . I didn ' t know they had jews in Afranistan . Well, after the revolution the only books avail- able were old copies of Scholem ' s Major Trends in Jewish Mysticism , which sort of got us interested. I see Edelstein said, a perplexed look across his face, and have you already registered for Jewish Studies? No . Well, you have to decide if you ' re going into RIETS, JSS, or — Edelstein sniffed — EMC .

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The Yeshiva Caper: The sun was glaring off the waters of the Hudson as the helicopter swooped low across the George Washington Bridge. He looked out over the unending expanse of burned out tene- ments, bodegas, and car repair garages, until he spotted a brown monolith of a building jutting out of the grey asphalt. He motioned to the pilot. Why don ' t you set it down by that gigantic pile of books over there? he said, pointing. The pilot (YC ' 57) gave him a queer look. You mean the library, don ' t you? Oh, is that what it is? He shrugged. Looks like a pile of books to me . The pilot landed on the roof and the passen- ger got out. He was immediately surrounded by a gang of about twenty men, dressed only in shorts, their bodies glistening with sun tan oil. A radio blared somewhere. Where do you come off landing a copter while we ' re sunbathing? one of the group asked. The man ignored him. He turned to the others. Is this Yeshiva University? The group laughed. Museum tours are on Tuesdays only, buster , the first one said, spitting. The man turned. Look kid, I don ' t like your attitude, so beat it! Make me! The man swung at the boy ' s head. The youth ducked, pivoted, and grabbed the man ' s out- stretched arm. He pivoted again, pulling, and the man flew through the air, landing hard. He got up slowly and brushed himself off. Pretty good stuff. Where d ' ya learn it? The boy grinned. I ' m a member of the Karate Club, and the Wrestling Team . The man whistled, long and low. Boy, I ' ve got a lot to learn about Yeshiva U. . He sat in the president ' s office. Lamm sat at the head of the conference table, talking. He had been talking for 45 minutes. ... Now synthesis is a philosophical term which . . . He interrupted. Excuse me Dr. Lamm . Rabbi Lamm . Sorry, Rabbi Lamm, I . . . ' President Lamm . Whatever. Sir, I ' m a detective. I ' m not very interested in synthesis. Right now I ' m more inter- ested in finding out what is going on. If you can help me in any way . Help you! Rabbi Lamm shouted. How can we help you if you don ' t give us any information. You don ' t even know why you are here! How can we help you?! I found a note in my office. It had two letters on it, Y and U. I spent three weeks puzzling it out. I called Yale. I called Yugoslavia. Nothing. Then one night I get a phone call. All the voice says is: ' When it ' s cold you shiver ' . What does it mean?

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The detective left the office and walked down the hallway. Out of the cornerof his eye he spied a uniformed guard approaching him. Excuse me sir, but what ' s the password? The detective smiled. Lamm had prepared him for this situation. Torah U ' mada , he said with confidence. The guard relaxed. I ' m sorry sir if I caused you any inconven- ience, you can go. We can ' t be too careful you know . He gave a confidential nod to the detec- tive. This neighborhood is full of them . Them? Undesirables — Communists, Liberals, Neo- Platonists, Existentialists. The whole bunch should be sent back where they came from. . Where ' s that? New Jersey. They breed ' em there and then send ' em over the G.W. into the city. They breed like rats . The detective mumbled something and quickly walked away. He came to a door marked JEWISH STUD- IES and opened it. Inside, three men stood in a semi-circle, facing him. One had coils of rope wrapped around him, and a sign hung from his neck which read My Hands Are Tied . By his feet rested a sign which read Join EMC now and win a free trip to Europe! . The second man was constantly blinking and scribbling furiously into a note pad. A sign next to him read: Take a load off your feets And Join up for RIETS The third man stood in perfect silence. A halo of light danced above his head, and ministering angels sang hoseannahs. By his feet an eph- emeral light shone, in the middle of which letters burned in white fire on top of black fire. They spelled out a message: Menei Menei Tekeil Ufarsin Can be explained by Rabbi Besdin. So join up now, don ' t be a fool. Stick with a winner, James Striar School. The detective thought it sounded like a school cheer. He stood looking at the three men, unable to decide. So he didn ' t. He walked into the office of the Dean of Ye- shiva College. The secretary was trying to type something, but she kept getting White-Out on the keys and couldn ' t tell which keys to press. The detective coughed and the secretary looked up. I ' m a new student. I ' d like to see the Dean . The secretary smiled. Which one? How many are there? he asked, afraid to hear the answer. In reply, the secretary stood up and walked over to a wall on which there was a poster that said: UNIVERSITY REORGANIZATION REORGANI- ZATION There are currently 53 deans the secretary began, smiling, which is interesting when you realize that the university employs only 48 secre- taries . She continued, These deans are in- volved in all aspects of the university. There is a Dean of Science, Dean of Humanities, Dean of Food, Dean of Parking, Dean of . . . The detective interrupted, But I need a request approved to waive my Jewish Studies requirement . What! the secretary screamed. The detective felt the building shake. That ' s never been re- quested before. You ' ll have to see . . . The Dean of Deans! She shuddered, then fainted. The detective decided he didn ' t want to wait around to meet this Dean of Deans. He could complete his registration later. He decided to go for a tour