Yeshiva University - Masmid Yearbook (New York, NY)

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of the campus. He took the back entrance into the library. Maybe if he could read up on Yeshiva University he could get a clue as to why he was there. He went to the circulation desk. An elderly man stood behind the counter, soft- ly cursing beneath his breath. The detective asked if he could see a book on Yeshiva Univer- sity. The man shook his head. The detective asked if the book was currently circulating. The man shook his head. The detective asked if there was any reason why he could not see the book. The man shook his head, then spoke: If you ' d let me get a word in edgewise, I ' d tell you that we do have a book on Y.U. the man shook his head. But you shook your head ' No ' the detective protested. The man shook his head. I did not . The detective was getting a headache. He was learning an important lesson: Never ask ques- tions. But he was a detective, he had to ask questions. The old man was pulling him by the arm. Come with me, I have exactly what you want he said, winking at the detective. The old man opened a door covered with dust and cobwebs. They descended a spiral stair- case. The detective noticed that as they went farther down the walls began to get damp. Final- ly they stopped. The old man took out a flash- light and shone it ahead of them. The detective was astounded. They were standing in a cav- ernous room. Before them endless rows of books stretched out as far as the eye could see. The floor of the room was a lake! The old man got into a rowboat, motioning to the stunned detecitve to do likewise. As the old man rowed he explained: This is the heart of the library. We don ' t trust the students, so we keep the books down here. We have the largest library in the world, bigger than Harvard, The Vatican, the New York Public Library . . . And why are you showing it to me? inter- jected the passenger. Because you asked for a book on Y.U. In my forty years here no one, NO ONE, has asked for a book on Y.U. I knew it as soon as I saw you . . . You are The Messiah! ' The detective nearly fell overboard. He looked at the old man. Another loony , he thought, this place must get ' em wholesale . The old man had stopped rowing. I will get the book for you now, O ' most Holy One , he said, climbing out of the boat and onto the platform which supported the bookshelves. The detective waited until he disappeared into the recesses of the shelves, and the grabbed the oars. He rowed furiously.

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The detective left the office and walked down the hallway. Out of the cornerof his eye he spied a uniformed guard approaching him. Excuse me sir, but what ' s the password? The detective smiled. Lamm had prepared him for this situation. Torah U ' mada , he said with confidence. The guard relaxed. I ' m sorry sir if I caused you any inconven- ience, you can go. We can ' t be too careful you know . He gave a confidential nod to the detec- tive. This neighborhood is full of them . Them? Undesirables — Communists, Liberals, Neo- Platonists, Existentialists. The whole bunch should be sent back where they came from. . Where ' s that? New Jersey. They breed ' em there and then send ' em over the G.W. into the city. They breed like rats . The detective mumbled something and quickly walked away. He came to a door marked JEWISH STUD- IES and opened it. Inside, three men stood in a semi-circle, facing him. One had coils of rope wrapped around him, and a sign hung from his neck which read My Hands Are Tied . By his feet rested a sign which read Join EMC now and win a free trip to Europe! . The second man was constantly blinking and scribbling furiously into a note pad. A sign next to him read: Take a load off your feets And Join up for RIETS The third man stood in perfect silence. A halo of light danced above his head, and ministering angels sang hoseannahs. By his feet an eph- emeral light shone, in the middle of which letters burned in white fire on top of black fire. They spelled out a message: Menei Menei Tekeil Ufarsin Can be explained by Rabbi Besdin. So join up now, don ' t be a fool. Stick with a winner, James Striar School. The detective thought it sounded like a school cheer. He stood looking at the three men, unable to decide. So he didn ' t. He walked into the office of the Dean of Ye- shiva College. The secretary was trying to type something, but she kept getting White-Out on the keys and couldn ' t tell which keys to press. The detective coughed and the secretary looked up. I ' m a new student. I ' d like to see the Dean . The secretary smiled. Which one? How many are there? he asked, afraid to hear the answer. In reply, the secretary stood up and walked over to a wall on which there was a poster that said: UNIVERSITY REORGANIZATION REORGANI- ZATION There are currently 53 deans the secretary began, smiling, which is interesting when you realize that the university employs only 48 secre- taries . She continued, These deans are in- volved in all aspects of the university. There is a Dean of Science, Dean of Humanities, Dean of Food, Dean of Parking, Dean of . . . The detective interrupted, But I need a request approved to waive my Jewish Studies requirement . What! the secretary screamed. The detective felt the building shake. That ' s never been re- quested before. You ' ll have to see . . . The Dean of Deans! She shuddered, then fainted. The detective decided he didn ' t want to wait around to meet this Dean of Deans. He could complete his registration later. He decided to go for a tour

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Wait! Come back! the old man shouted. Why are you going? Was it something I said?! But the detective didn ' t pause to answer. He reached the stairway and ran up out of the dungeon onto the main floor of the library . . . and into the arms of one of the biggest men he had ever seen. The giant threw him to the floor and snarled. Make one move and I ' ll squash you like an ant he hissed. The detective remained perfectly still and the giant continued: You ' ve been asking too many questions, mis- ter, and the Colonel doesn ' t like it. We also know you ' re a detective, and the Colonel doesn ' t like that, either! . The captive whispered I can explain . For a moment he thought he would be squashed. The giant ' s eyes burned with rage and his foot lower- ed menacingly. But then he relaxed. Okay , he said, you can explain to The Colonel. But ... , he grinned, it ' d better be good . The giant led him out of the library and across the street into a building which, for some strange reason, was called the ' morgue ' . Now the detec- tive knew why. The giants office was here Prob- ably eats students for breakfast , the detective thought. A woman, the giant ' s personal secretary, sat behind a desk, concentrating on slowly pulling the wings off of flies. Behind here, on the wall, was a chest of keys. The detective could only imagine how many dispicable dungeons were routinely opened and cast shut with those keys. The giant and his prisoner entered an inner office. The giant pushed a button beside the desk. Suddenly, a secret panel in the floor slid away, revealing a stairway. C ' mon, we ' ll take the secret passage , and he motioned the detective down. As they walked, the giant explained that the passageway wound under all the school ' s grounds, enabling him to sneak up on anyone, anywhere. He seemed proud of this tunnel. They traveled a while, the giant directing. They eventually reached an elevator. The giant pressed 17. The elevator opened onto a dark hallway, lit only by the green lights of humming computer terminals. This is our Security Center. Up here we can spot and trace a water balloon . Very impressive yawned the detective. And through this we can see if a student is making too much noise. The giant was pointing to an ultrasonic-infrared-telescope. The detective looked through the scope. He saw three cars being stolen, and a mugging. What are you doing about that? he asked. The giant shrugged. Nothing. As long as no building is threatened, we don ' t have to do anything. These buildings are valuable . But empty . In any case. The Colonel is waiting for you .