Yeshiva University - Masmid Yearbook (New York, NY)

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The detective left the office and walked down the hallway. Out of the cornerof his eye he spied a uniformed guard approaching him. Excuse me sir, but what ' s the password? The detective smiled. Lamm had prepared him for this situation. Torah U ' mada , he said with confidence. The guard relaxed. I ' m sorry sir if I caused you any inconven- ience, you can go. We can ' t be too careful you know . He gave a confidential nod to the detec- tive. This neighborhood is full of them . Them? Undesirables — Communists, Liberals, Neo- Platonists, Existentialists. The whole bunch should be sent back where they came from. . Where ' s that? New Jersey. They breed ' em there and then send ' em over the G.W. into the city. They breed like rats . The detective mumbled something and quickly walked away. He came to a door marked JEWISH STUD- IES and opened it. Inside, three men stood in a semi-circle, facing him. One had coils of rope wrapped around him, and a sign hung from his neck which read My Hands Are Tied . By his feet rested a sign which read Join EMC now and win a free trip to Europe! . The second man was constantly blinking and scribbling furiously into a note pad. A sign next to him read: Take a load off your feets And Join up for RIETS The third man stood in perfect silence. A halo of light danced above his head, and ministering angels sang hoseannahs. By his feet an eph- emeral light shone, in the middle of which letters burned in white fire on top of black fire. They spelled out a message: Menei Menei Tekeil Ufarsin Can be explained by Rabbi Besdin. So join up now, don ' t be a fool. Stick with a winner, James Striar School. The detective thought it sounded like a school cheer. He stood looking at the three men, unable to decide. So he didn ' t. He walked into the office of the Dean of Ye- shiva College. The secretary was trying to type something, but she kept getting White-Out on the keys and couldn ' t tell which keys to press. The detective coughed and the secretary looked up. I ' m a new student. I ' d like to see the Dean . The secretary smiled. Which one? How many are there? he asked, afraid to hear the answer. In reply, the secretary stood up and walked over to a wall on which there was a poster that said: UNIVERSITY REORGANIZATION REORGANI- ZATION There are currently 53 deans the secretary began, smiling, which is interesting when you realize that the university employs only 48 secre- taries . She continued, These deans are in- volved in all aspects of the university. There is a Dean of Science, Dean of Humanities, Dean of Food, Dean of Parking, Dean of . . . The detective interrupted, But I need a request approved to waive my Jewish Studies requirement . What! the secretary screamed. The detective felt the building shake. That ' s never been re- quested before. You ' ll have to see . . . The Dean of Deans! She shuddered, then fainted. The detective decided he didn ' t want to wait around to meet this Dean of Deans. He could complete his registration later. He decided to go for a tour

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Lamm reached for his phone and said: Send in Tauber . A gigantic man strode into the office. The detective started to sweat. He had been in sim- ilar situations, but never exactly lil e this. The man ' s face — it was covered by a mesh metal mask. What it covered? — the detective didn ' t want to think about. Hey Lah! , Tauber said, saluting. Lamm quickly appraised him of the situation. When he got to the phrase: When it ' s cold you shiver , Tauber paled. Sounds like a fencer , he exclaimed. You mean, stolen goods? the detective asked. Tauber glared. No, I mean fencing, like epee, foil, saber . Oh. So that means that the caller was on the Fencing Team . But what does it mean? Lamm and Tauber both said at the same instant. They looked at each other. I don ' t know , the detective said, but I ' ll find out . The plan was simple. He would enter the school as an exchange student from Afranistan. This would enable him to blend into the student body, and to infiltrate deeply into the maze of Yeshiva College. But first he had to register. He entered the registrar ' s office. He saw people rushing back and forth, papers flying, phones ringing. He was amazed at the way the people were efficiently wasting time. After watch- ing for a few minutes, he tripped a hunched-over man carrying a tremendous stack of books. Look what you ' ve done now the man said, dusting himself off. Sorry, but I had to get your attention . But now we ' ll be delayed another three years. These catalogs must be dirt-free. They must . . . Look, I just want to register . The man got up slowly. He looked suspiciously at the detective. Register? But the semester has already start- ed . I have special permission from the Dean. I ' m an exchange student from Afranistan . Then he added wrily: My father is the crown prince . The man ' s eyes widened. He licked his lips, and started breathing quickly. Did you say Afranistan? Famous people, mon- ey, movie stars, money, swimming pools, money That ' s right , the detective said, pausing, and I ' m prepared to pay in full . . . cash! Desks, files, typewriters, secretaries were all dimly noted articles as the detective was plunged headlong Into a cramped office. The man was pulling him into a chair. On the office desk was a sign that read: THE BUCK PASSES HERE . My name is Edelstein. What ' s yours? Shabtai Tsvi Leinovich . I didn ' t know they had jews in Afranistan . Well, after the revolution the only books avail- able were old copies of Scholem ' s Major Trends in Jewish Mysticism , which sort of got us interested. I see Edelstein said, a perplexed look across his face, and have you already registered for Jewish Studies? No . Well, you have to decide if you ' re going into RIETS, JSS, or — Edelstein sniffed — EMC .

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of the campus. He took the back entrance into the library. Maybe if he could read up on Yeshiva University he could get a clue as to why he was there. He went to the circulation desk. An elderly man stood behind the counter, soft- ly cursing beneath his breath. The detective asked if he could see a book on Yeshiva Univer- sity. The man shook his head. The detective asked if the book was currently circulating. The man shook his head. The detective asked if there was any reason why he could not see the book. The man shook his head, then spoke: If you ' d let me get a word in edgewise, I ' d tell you that we do have a book on Y.U. the man shook his head. But you shook your head ' No ' the detective protested. The man shook his head. I did not . The detective was getting a headache. He was learning an important lesson: Never ask ques- tions. But he was a detective, he had to ask questions. The old man was pulling him by the arm. Come with me, I have exactly what you want he said, winking at the detective. The old man opened a door covered with dust and cobwebs. They descended a spiral stair- case. The detective noticed that as they went farther down the walls began to get damp. Final- ly they stopped. The old man took out a flash- light and shone it ahead of them. The detective was astounded. They were standing in a cav- ernous room. Before them endless rows of books stretched out as far as the eye could see. The floor of the room was a lake! The old man got into a rowboat, motioning to the stunned detecitve to do likewise. As the old man rowed he explained: This is the heart of the library. We don ' t trust the students, so we keep the books down here. We have the largest library in the world, bigger than Harvard, The Vatican, the New York Public Library . . . And why are you showing it to me? inter- jected the passenger. Because you asked for a book on Y.U. In my forty years here no one, NO ONE, has asked for a book on Y.U. I knew it as soon as I saw you . . . You are The Messiah! ' The detective nearly fell overboard. He looked at the old man. Another loony , he thought, this place must get ' em wholesale . The old man had stopped rowing. I will get the book for you now, O ' most Holy One , he said, climbing out of the boat and onto the platform which supported the bookshelves. The detective waited until he disappeared into the recesses of the shelves, and the grabbed the oars. He rowed furiously.