Yeshiva University High School For Boys - Elchanite Yearbook (Brooklyn, NY)

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PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE DISCOVERED LANDAU MAKES NEWS AGAIN! Ronald Landau, famous physicist and watch lover extraordinary, today announced that he had discovered the long awaited perpetual motion machine. Said Mr. Landau: After 37 years of experimentation, I have come to the conclusion that my mouth is a perpetual motion machine. Scientific authorities investigating Mr. Landau's claims believe that they are true, for no one who has ever known Landau can remember when his mouth stopped going. As Mr. Landau's law- yer said: It's an open and shut case. Moreover, I would like to point out that although many perpetual motion machines were invented using the principle of water, this is the first one using a drip. Mr. Landau is a great watch and clock lover. In fact, last year he fired two employees for punching -the clock when they entered the office. Mr. Landau is also a famous mathematician and he used higher mathematics to develop his machine. Some of his calculations are pictured on the right. CSee photo at right.D TOPOROVSKY RETURNS FROM TONGERIK! Dr. Norman Toporovsky returned yesterday from Tongerik Atoll where he served as medicine man for the natives for the past ten years. Your reporter had tlieg following interview with Dr. Toporovsky. Question: How isthe health-,situation in South Pacific? Ans-wer: Excellent. Mary Martin is in the pink of health. ' ' Question: I meant in the South Pacific islands. How is the health of the natives? Aizszeer: Beastly good. However, the hospital facilities are quite primitive. Qziestioizz How have you helped improve the health of the natives? Answer: When I came to the island ten years ago, it was dreadful. The poor natives didn't even know that they were sick. Why, they spent their whole lives without seeing a doctor or going to the hos- pital. However, I quickly remedied the situation. I showed them how many sicknesses they should have. I instituted many health weeks. There were appendicitis weeks, pneumonia weeks, and indu- enza weeks. It was I who discovered the three types of cold twhich necessitated seeing the doc- tor three timest They are the uncommon cold, the fairly common cold. and the common cold. Questioizz What was your greatest thrill in your ten years at the atoll? Ansuwr: Wh-en I almost beat my trained chimpanzee at chess. Dr. Toporovsky said that he is now worth ten million cocoanuts. q il ,.- P' IRQ we X g 0 X- .XX xy Smit mit' I 1 fa, K 5 x y tr-05'Ax 7. 93 8 X S a'iJS-fl .' gcosd' zz 7 '1- -' s OO I-05 'Yi 7 S' X i,QL S.1 ,-4igx,.,,...1 If Sq 5 : an KLXT-VbMN5:?QY i Q Mr. Landau's Calculafions WORLD-FAMOUS PSYCHOLOGIST INTERVIEWED Professor Edwin A. Goldstein, author of the best selling 'tSex Habits in the Male Mosquito, was inter- viewed today by your reporter. The book which sold 18,000,000 copies tEvery male mosquito bought one: was written by Prof. Goldstein on one of his periodic visits to Ward 3 at Bellevue. Prof. Goldstein told your correspondent that he is now writing a sequel called 'tl Didn't Meant It revealing that all his revela- tions about the revealing facts of mosquito life were revealed 'to be false. He has already been promised by the Boston censor, his brother-in-law, that the book will be banned for revealing too much and so the book can be expect-ed to succeed. P1'of. Goldstein is now teaching at iVestminster College. tSee photo be1ow.fD i 12 ANARCHISTS ACQUITTED! Capping a series of brilliant moves. Irwin Witty. famous lawyer. won a mistrial for his twelve clients last night. Mr. Witty, however, was held in the highest contempt of court. iThe court had nothing but contempt for Mr. XVitty.i Mr. Witty's legalistic moves are worthy ot' mention. He tirst swung public opinion to his clients' side by becoming their lawyer. This moved the public to have great compassion for the twelve doomed men. He next demanded a ruling ot' mistrial because of improper lawyer and defense. This was an irret'utable argument and .ludge State, the presiding judge. had to rule a mistrial. - Ticeziiy-Fit? -

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fc-LIL' f la if -Q,4a f , ' : Z 4111 ff 'CAM 74,44-X - f f f QM 'I 1 le, I 4, i At ' of aio- A V 1 'lin i- xx-4'-'?F'T? 7' S . 4 ' I I X 1+ t g 4 4 n FALSEHOUD, BLASPHEHY, PREvARucA1'voN.fr Vo 1 No. 1 Published by T.A. Brooklyn Alumni January 1, 196 Kahane De Martin Kahane. candidate for president on the Cherut party ticket, today closed his campaign with a reaitirmation of his party's slogan, ReanneXation of Asia and Reoccupatfion of Europe. He again stated his party's platform which is as follows: 15 We must have a Jewish state on both sides of the Pacific. 2,3 We demand a port that is frozen all year round. 33 1080 80' or fight! 4m Long live shekel diplomacy! As candidate of the mildly expansionist party. Cherut, Mr. Kahane reaffirmed his determination to buy Patagonia for 37,200,000 though some critics have labeled it Beigin's Folly. NEW ECONOMY DRIVE GETS UNDER WAY IN GOVERNMENT Marvin Bienenfeld, successful businessman and iinancier, who amassed a huge private fortune selling old bio tests to students and swimming suits to the Eskimos at the North Pole. today announced new economy measures in the budget. Appointed by an economy-minded Congress after the US. announced an 83 billion dollar budget for the third straight year. Mr. Bienenf-eld has been doing exhaustive research on each department's expenditures in the government. These are his cuts in the 83 billion dollar budget: ll Instead of putting extra stamps on heavy letters. risk mailing them with one stamp. 2+ II'hereas in the past US. government letters were sealed with the gum on the flaps, in the future they will be closed by inserting the Hap into the letter. Thus the government saves the price of the gum on the tiaps. 31 Whereas in the past every department hired unskilled labor to lick the backs of stamps. in the future it will be a civil service job and thus we will have skilled and rapid labor do the job. fEd. Note: There is no basis to the rumor that Mr. Bienenfeld will hire certain students to the last job even if they are skilled at the vvorkf: Mr. Bienenfeld estimated the savings by his moves mand A ia!i . . , . l . -1 - Kahane Addressing Usual Overflow Audience NOTHINGATRON DISCOVERED! Mr. Irving Forman rose to new heights in the elec- trical world last night when he discovered the nothing- atron. As Mr. Forman said: I was feeling mighty low last night. Then I sat down on a tack. You have no idea what a lift that gave me. IVhen I landed, I had lost my glasses. It was then that I saw the nothingatron. Mr. Forman gave the following facts about the nothingatron. Its diameter is .000000 of an inch. In fact it is so small that even the most powerful micro- scope cannot see it. It has no weight and no electrical charge. This morning, however, Pravda denounced Mr. For- man's discovery as capitalist propaganda. It is a well known fact, said Pravda, that in 185-1 Nikolai For- mansky discovered the nothingatron in Russia. CThat is the same year by the way that Orville and 'Wilbur Left discovered the airplane near Moscowxl When asked this morning by your reporter Whether he realized the magnitude of his discovery. Mr. For- man answered: Oh, it was nothing at all. at a minimum of 550. which is enough to put a full page ad in the Elchanite. advertising the savings. lEd. Note: All this trouble might have been avoided if Congress had not revoked the free mailing rights of government departments in 1963.1 - T2e'ewty-F0zrr-

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NEW PAINTING ANALYZED! Murray Wachman's now famous drawing Two Polar Bears With Backs to Viewer at North Pole during Snow Storm. CSee Photol was analyzed today by Israel Sturm, noted psychoanalyst. Mr. VVachman's drawing took the intellectual world by storm when it came out a few months ago. In his own words: I got the idea from poetry. In poetry we have free verse and blank verse. VVell, I've seen free painting and now I have painted tblank paintingf Professor Sturm's analysis is as follows: tEd. Note: See photo of drawing as he analyzes it.l Notice the powerful stroke of white. This shows that Mr. VVach- man is forceful and has an exit in life. However the slight waver in the center shows there is an inner coniiict. In other words, he has a Thyestes complex. That is, he suspected his great uncle of maltreating his brother-in-law's cousin's aunt whom he thought he once saw. However, now that his sister is married, it is obviously wrong and his picture shows this. The color composition further shows that at the age of one year, three months, and eight days, Mr. Wachman was dropped on his head in a pile of snow thus causing this drawing. CNOTE: Mr. Wachman is also the artist who drew the famous Midnight in a Blacked-Out Town when the Moon and Stars Aren't Out. j NEW BOOK ON GEMARRA PUBLISHED! Rabbi Samuel Feder astounded the Talmudic world with the publication of his new treatise on the Gemar- ra entitled, Stop -the Nigunf' In this work, Rabbi Feder asks many questions on the commentaries. Among the questions was the following one. If a man should hit his friend over the head with an iron bar, and the iron bar should break, and one of the pieces should fly through a steel grate and break a metal magnet which would then repel three pounds of iron filings through the window, is the owner of the steel mill obligated to pay two cents per pound for iron ore to the miner? Said one commentator: It is an eiseneh question. A 2nd expert said, N-n-yah, An unidentified person said: The answer to this may be found on page 19 of the Reverend's Handbook. Rabbi Feder is the author of several other books of questions and answers on the Talmud entitled. So you want. to give a Shiur'? , I-Iishonim or Nothing . and t'The 6-I answer question. SAM, YOU MADE THE EGGS TOO HARD by L. E. G. HORN, Special Correspondent Samuel Silverstein, engineer and mathematician, was honored last night for solving the age-old enigma, Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Mr. Silverstein said they came together. He proved this by his new formula which has five steps in it. ll -Sig Ux flir2x3 25 ..34X4D:3:-:4 X 22S46Z00 35 Subtract fifteen just for the fun of it. 43 Add twenty-five if in a good mood. 57 Mix, shake well and serve slightly warm. Mr. Silverstein modestly refused any credit for the formula. Said Mr. Silverstein, Let's be hard boiled about this. I don't deserve credit. My history teacher used the formula for many years. I merely gave it a new use. - As a reward, Mr. Silverstein was given a chicken inspection badge, five dozen rotten eggs, and the title of Grand Egg. L P.S. At. the present time Mr. Silverstein is studying the properties of chickens and eggs. NEW KIBBUTZ OPENED IN HONOR OF GREENBERG Yitzchak Greenberg, head of the A.F.L. CAretz Federation of Laborl and famous political leader, whose maiden speech in the Asefat Hanivcharim on behalf of delinquent Yeshiva boys was a sensation, today ofliciated at the founding of Kfar Yitzchak. The ceremonies, however, were picketed by rivals, who claimed that the kifbbutz should be named Kfar Jacob tAvraham has not been heard from yetl. Upon being heckled, Mr. Greenberg said: Stop kibbutzingf' Mr. Greenberg has been in the news several times in the past. Once he was head of the Third Floor Of- fice Worker's Union who wanted to be transferred to the fourth Hoor. When the boss refused, the workers struck for a raise. I Last vear there were A Hmmm! also two attempts on 1 Mr. Greenberg's life. ' . N I Once a hired thug fired X buckshot-tdollar billsj - I X it - at Mr. Greenberg. I , However. the money tl 1 I 1 went awry because ev- , X Il 5 eryone knows that cap- - Hi I 'I' ital is afraid of labor. ,i X I l A second time a char 1-I ,f M V attempted to run him 'I ff l down. but Mr. Green- - I , l bcrg' merely sprad his 5 Q' ' I V legs and the ear zoomed ' A l ,. under. tFor season see ' Tl pliotol - I 'l 'i Spur-f 170119 not pgrmit Q' complrtr picturf, - Tirmvty-Sin.: - A A ,...-,... ,QT5-:nf -- I 5 t I