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Page 72 text:
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,..-............,.. ,... ..-...... ,,,. I ..,,......... .................-......... ,,.. ,. ...... ... ...,..... ,..,..... ..... , .. ......... ..,-................. .,.., ......-......-..................................,,M..........r..-......s...., il 4 as is io if ' f 1: 5, ,.... Kg . , . , , , . , , ,. . .. -J, A-uni, E E li, ,5.j-,gfxi,I1Manx::::3:ZTfiZi'If,2' Q1,gg:::11:rx::::::::::m7g1t3T::::17::r::1':L:.:v::':':::x:::::ar:::,:'::x:::::::::::.::::::1-::t.. :: ,E fiisizzawrir. ' a 'M .....................-..s.......w , T ,ss V V ,,., ,..... , ----ds...-r.-- I ...... .... .... .,... . .. ..,.. .................,.,... ..... .,......,.....,. ..... , ...... ........v-.......,......,...--...............-.-...-......-.--f- Oh, you mean the owner is named Mrs. Mary Bandon or Lander, don't you?'l gently corrected the clerk. I said, I guess so, abstractedly, and, when he had found no such license, rushed out of the office at full speed. The rest of my time at the City Hall was like the nightmare I had after we had the Welsh rarebit party, and piled pickles and ice cream on top of the main dish. I remember that I then howled so loud that ,Grubby threw his shoe at me, and spoiled our finest chromo. But to return to the City Hall. I ran from office to office with one question always at the tip of my tongue: Pardon me, have you any records that could help me find Mrs. Mary Bandon or Lander ? Each negative answer got me wilder. At the weight inspectors office, I was looked at so queerly by the clerks that I knew they thought there was nobody home, and I rushed out of the building without stopping at several of the offices. Once outside, the fresh air restored my senses somewhat, and I had the brilliant thought that perhaps the police might help me. l1Vhy hadn't I thought of that before? I jumped into a taxi standing at the curb, yelled, Central Police Station, and slammed the door. The driver cranked up and off we went. On the way, I happened to put my hand into my pocket, felt my money, and suddenly remembered that I had only forty-four cents. I gloomily thought how I would have to spend it all on taxi fares fthe meter already read thirty-six centsj, probably without finding Aunt Mary, and have to spend the night, and goodness only knew how many more nights, on a park bench. Or, perhapsf, thought I. thanks to my 'adjective' carelessness, since I shall spend more coin than I possess, I may be sued, put in the coop, or what not. Good Lord! I must find Aunt Mary. Once at the station, I sprang 'from the car, shouted Wait, raced through the door, and panted to the desk-sergeant, Offi- Sixty-eight cer, where is Mrs. Mary Bandon or Lander?'l VVhat's she in for? queried he. Oh, she's not under arrest, said I, but I can't find her. When did you see her last ? asked the sergeant in a very official manner, prepar- ing to note down my answer in his book. Never, I replied, but I don't see what good this'll do. Then what're you reporting it for ? said he. See here, -officer, protested I, realizing that he thought my venerable great-aunt was a criminal or deserter, I've come to town to see this lady. I canit find her address, and I've come to see if you can't help me. Fm afraid I can't, sir, but have you tried the City Hall ? Yes, said I, and, racing out, threw back, Sorry to have bothered you. IV hen I reached the pavement, I stopped, and began to mutter over the places I had visited, to see if I had omitted any. Then the chauffeur spoke: 'iIf yez is makin' a visit to de city buildings, sorr, Oi'll make yez a speshul rate, and show yez thim all- the sanitarium, the librey, the morg, and the whole kaboosh-all fer two bucks. I declined this offer, but his list set me to thinking. I thought them all over, to see if they would have any records to help me in my search. The morgue-that was where they took the unclaimed dead. Wouldn't they keep some sort of a list of the dead there? Had anyone near to Aunt Mary died lately. Had not Mum said that we were going to see Aunt Maiy, and yet had not both Aunt Mary and her husband moved to Chicago? Great Czesar's ghost! Last Christmas the family had been talking over how hard the loss of Uncle-Uncle- Uncle Zach, yes, surely Uncle Zach-would be on Aunt Mary. But Uncle Zach's name surely coulcln't be at the morgue! Where would the records be? At the City Hall, of course. That office, curse the luck, must have been one of those I skipped. City Hall, I shrieked, as I made a running broad
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Page 71 text:
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ff! I ew ,L Q ...-......,.,.,............-.......,......,.,.......-.......-..........-............... .,..... ...-..-..........................--.......................,..... ..... ................-...... .,.. ..--... ..,,,,i.-, ag-:,.-1 ,V ,552-, 1f,,,.-,,..,2w' gg 3 r'.4 ':.:.1.f:.-::::::t.':':.'-r.:.:::m::.-r.-:4 H 5:7 rx . . . . ., . ' ,.' i 'E 11 -H---1:1121 xl-. a -.-..,..-. ' W-----1 :2..,.,.. I '::.-:x:::.:2.::..'-i::.:::::::a:.-.:v.,.-- - ---r-:::::::::utz -if -.. - - ................W- I .---.-........aw,..--4.-...,. .Y - VV ell, then, he surely wouldn't be on this census-it's two years old. But if he has property, you can trust the assessor to find him out. Say, if you'1l give me the party's name, I'll phone down and ask the assessor and the water department. I gave him the name, Mrs. Mary Bandon or Lander. I-Ie first tried to phone the water department. However, their line was busy. He then called up the assessor, and carried on a monologue like this: 'tHello, assessor's office? Have you the name, Mrs. Mary Lander or Bandon on your lists? No, I did not say Harry Sandy wanted to pay his taxes. I said, Is the name Mrs. Mary Lander or Bandon on your lists ? just a minute, I'll send the 1113.11 down. Good-bye. I departed when I heard him say he was going to send me down. I was in too much of a hurry to get the thing settled, to be polite. Assessor in room 306: water office. 3l6, he yelled after me good-naturedly. . After looking almost all through the third floor, I arrived at the assessor's office. The clerk in charge of the place was very old. I vaguely remember wondering how he ate anything except mush, for he had but one tooth. I asked him if I could see the tax lists. This brought down a homily from him about the sacred secrecy of the records. When he had gotten himself too much out of breath to talk any more, I said, XVill you please see if there is a Mrs. Mary Lander or Bandon on the lists ? Heh ? said he, putting his hand to his ear. Mrs Mary Bandon or Lander, I re- peated, much louder. Oh, Mrs. Mary Bander or Landon, said he. sort of satisfied with himself. f'No,,' shouted I, Mrs Mary Bandon or Landerf, Yes, I-Ie then turned to the records, and started to look up the name. Either there was something wrong with the records or with him, I don't know which, for he spent about half an hour looking up those two names, while I kept up a sort of undertone Greek chorus of Confound the luck, 'fHurry up, you grey-haired reprobatew Che was npt supposed to hear this , and many other such gentle expressions. And, blame it, all my waiting was in vain, for at last he turned to nie, smiled feebly, and said, Your lady with the many aliases has not her name down. Now, my boy- But I did not hear the rest of his spiel. I made a line-buck through the door, a long end-run down the corridor, a cut-in round the corner, and finally made a touch- down in the water department oiiice. A brisk, business-like young clerk came to- wards me. I What can I do for you P smiled he. VVill you please see if there is a lady named Mrs. rMary Bandon or Lander or your lists P Surely, After consulting the list a min- ute or two, I am sorry to say there is not. Good-day. And I was gone. p I dived into the marriage license office, which was next. Perhaps Aunt Mary had been married in Chicago. W'ithout think- ing that it would not help me to find her present address, I asked, Is there a license for a couple named Bandon or Lander P Whei1 were they married ? inquired the clerk. I dimly remembered having been down- town with Mum one day, when she got some sort of gold pin for Aunt Marys golden wedding, so I answered, Over fifty years. Then you can't find any records here. All the old books were destroyed by the Chicago Ere. Great Scott! I was desperate now. All ways of finding Aunt Mary seemed to have been tried. and it was now five-thirty. 1 got out of the office some way, I never knew how. The next office was marked Dog Licenses. I burst in, shouting as I came -towards the counter, Have you a license for a dog named Mrs. Mary Bandon or Lander? ' Sixty-seven
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Page 73 text:
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A- ,, A., V... .- p. . pl.-lm... . . ... ...':::a..-mf.: :zz ..-.... J.-2.2-:xr . .......-............,.......... .... ...-....-................,...................,--.-.........,............-. -aa...-:-.4 -, , - 1 -f .af-,Y D-- .,.g:5',:,,,, 5,1,',,,,R,QLz22f?2,:z..gg2w':-ragga? 57 -::::.:-1--::r::1:: '::'::::'x:r:. ' t:::::n1r':':'2:1.rr :1:f:f'z- 1' ::r '-'-L ,T .iff H ,, :ps at - L.: . a. '- was sp ui Q, :asc 1: Q Q ' . S if 595 ' E aff K E O E if 1 53: 'T'-- I L Q ff ,- A ,.-.,f.-..z,.fWM- - W e Q 'f -19 X X X 1 J-V, . 2' f rt 4-.Ei 'i N' -4 ' X 4 X 1 I ' 53 2? 2'f41. r .rf Q' ., A Q 1 . 1 gy Ae 1 gi arg Lf..- ----- L -J' I 5 K' -it -A U 1 1 L...,.... 'L'I.'1'.f ...- ' L'.T.Z -.'.Z'F..Z'.... '... ' i :.::Z::::.::::::..Z'.12'-..-.. 2...i ' N5: -...:.---I-......N .Q .........................., ..........,...............s.. ..,. .....,...- ,....,. ..,...,.....,.,...............,....--.-...-.....-............. ,. . , jump into the taxi. But, when we got there, the fool joint had closed sixteen minutes before, at six o'clock, and the death rec- ords were barred to me. 'fDriver, where can I find the death rec- ords ? said I, coming back from my trial of the doors. Sure, sorr, at the City Hall, answered he in a superior manner. Anywhere else ? yelled I, frenzied at the poor boob's stupidity. Well, sorr, you might find some iv thim at the morgf' Nowhere else ? The undertoikers kape a list fur their biznessf' Then drive to one of them, I ordered. . Pat CI guess that was his namej drove as blidden, though I'm sure he didn't drive to t e nearest. The man in charge was quite courteous. After I had requested him to let me see the death notices for the last December, he took me into his back room, and gave me a coffin-case to sit on, dusting oif the top with what looked like a soiled shroud. I-Ie then brought out a large book. I opened it and read: December lst: Abbott, Julius-Beloved husband of Kate Abbott Cnee Murphyji. and our dear father, uncle, and cousin, at the age ofi judas Priest, said I to myself, this'll never do. It'll take me to Kingdom Come to read all the obituaries. I must read just the headlines. I then went on down the list: Arlington, Kateg Banter, Frankg Berry, Charles, and so on. I finally struck Decem- ber 17th. Here I read: Atford, Caroline: Bent, Mary, and then Billton, Zachariasf' Then, in a Hash, I suddenly remembered that it was Aunt Mary Billton, Aunt Cary Bandon, and Aunt Sarah Lander. After taking down the address, I slammed the book shut, thanked the undertaker hastily, and sprinted for my taxi, I hurriedly gave the chauiteur the address, told him he would get double pay if he got there in iifteen minutes, and made a sort of fancy dive into the tonneau. It was some ride. Pat swung round the corners so that the floor of the car sloped like the short ends of an indoor running track. Policemen hollered after us in vain. One even used his gun, but all he did was to shoot out a street lamp. Finally, at seven-twenty, we stopped in front of Aunt Mary's home. The folks must have been waiting for me at the door, for they came out at once. Mum and Aunt Mary looked very much relieved. Dad looked relieved, too, at first, but then he began to get angry. Have you ever noticed how, after people have worried about you, and you havenit come to grief, after all, they begin to get furious at you? . You graceless young reprobate ! stormed he, what do you mean, making your mother worry herself almost sick, spoiling most of our visit, and perhaps making us miss the train? VVhat have you been doing all this time? Examining some of the city buildings, said I, meekly. Dad, can you give me S7 .99 to pay the man off? I've lost my wallet. Pay him olf, nothing, snorted my father, we'll need the machine to get to the station on time, thanks to you! To finish briefly, we made the train, and also the boat. We had a very pleasant trip, but my father never quite forgave me my, as he thought, gadaboutings in Chicago. I had to take it all, for both Mum and Dad would have been terribly hurt at my not knowing all about the relatives. Upon further thought, I would suggest that in addition to learning the names and addresses of all your relatives, you had bet- ter keep an alphabetical list of them in your coat pocket, even if it does produce an un- sightly hump. Sixty-nine
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