Western Union College - Pilot Yearbook (Le Mars, IA)

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KANGAROO COURT Time: 9:00 P. lli. a certain evening. Place: Re-union Hall. judges: Hancer and Olson. Defendant: Clyde Schuler. Prosecuting Attorney: Omar Koch. Executing Attorney: Soph. Class. jury: Riter, Gillis, Van Devender, VVoods, Rockwood, M. lliiller. Case duly tried and defendant found guilty of breaking Freshman rules and girls' hearts. 4 Punishment: Run around block with chair on back. Take a short jaunt into the rural section and 10 licks with a paddle. HANCER-VVICHELT LAVVSUIT Wichelt sues Hancer. Mitch Ado About Nothing. Treaeherous white rat escapes shackles and overpowers guinea pig owned and oper- ated by I-lancer lk Reynolds Co. Guinea pig instantly killed in the combat. Prosecuting Attorney: Gillis. Defense Attorney: Reynolds. Time of murder: Unknown. Time of trial: February 31, 1950. Stipulation 55000. Hanccr's bond 550,000 CStil1 in jailj Page 107 -.A

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THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN Postponed classes. Zech not practising guitar during study hours. Everybody at Chapel. Hancer playing a poor game of basketball. Reynolds giving a serious speech in Literary. Rockwood taking a girl to Wernli Hall. Aaron Miller not vamping girls. Freshmen that should be professors. Professor Fireoved missing a class. A PILOT Editor without something to do. THINGS THAT NEVER FAIL M1'. Zuehl without a story. Rockwood making a basket in a game. VVieland not getting a letter every day. YVichelt's Ford. Being awakened forty times a night in Union Hall. Wava not happy. Bleasdell sleeping in class. NIr. Hix's smile. Chapel Services. Kuehner singing in Chapel. REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF BACHELOR OF HEARTS 1. Coeducational high school education. 2. Thirty-six hours of campustry. 3. A minor of at least eighteen hours. Private work. Twelve of eighteen hours must be done on iron fence. Higher grades given to students sitting on barbed wire. 4. Nine hours of social science. Courses in gossip, telephone conversations required. 5. Unlimited hours of laboratory science. Courses in Wooing, Proposing, Rejecting. Periods three hours each Friday, Saturday, and other open nights. 6. A minimum attendance of thirty-six nightsg more if any are failures. 7. Two years in art of physical perfection, St1'CSS being placed on care of beauty of face. If after two years of this, you think you are not accomplishing anything, you better go hang yourself. 8. Twelve hours of foreign languageg language of the moon, and language of love required. 9. If not engaged at end of four years no degree will be given. Page 106

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HELPFUL HINTS When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. Put your troubles in a pocket with a hole in it. George VVashington and Abraham Lincoln were both born on holidays. Burning the midnight oil doesn't help much if it's cylinder oil. Is your head a hair farm? Pep without purpose is pitlie. Bury your failures as the doctors do. The hen is the only animal that can produce dividends just by sitting around. Beauty is only skin deep-and many people need peeling. A college degree does not lessen the length of your ears. It only conceals. VVhy pray cream on Sunday and live on skim milk the rest of the week? The man who thinks he .is hard boiled is usually only half baked. Turn that No around and go ON. The surest way to become hard up is to take things easy. Anyone can catch a bouquet but it takes a good man to stop a brick. An egotist is an I specialist. If you can't smile, imitate someone who can. Many men are always busy like a pig's tail but never do anything. There are too many cranks in this world and not enough self-starters. The less you have, the more there is to get . Noah was six hundred years old before he knew how to build the ark-don't lose your grit. Stick a pin in your future and nail a lid on your past. Opportunity calls once at every man's door, but hard luck is a whole lot more sociable. Height of laziness: a fellow who gets up at tive in the morn.ing so he can have more time to loaf. The highest degree any college can offer is that of MAN. Usually the fellow who thinks he is the whole cheese, is at least a piece of it. If men grew as tall as their ideals were high, some of them would never be able to see over the gutter curbstone. The man who loafs .in college has crust to ask for dough. Two soles with but one squeak-that's love. Don't be a carbon copy of somebody else-make your own impression. Keep your temper-nobody else wants it. When trouble meets you half way, hop over it and keep going. In the orchard of opportunity it is better to pick the fruit than to wait for it to fall. Inspiration without perspiration is merely dissipation. Be a live wire and you won't be stepped on. Don't oversleep if you want your dreams to come true. He who can bottle up his temper is a corker. Milk of human kindness beats cold cream for wrinkles. A frozen look doesn't cut any ice. Life is not a goblet to be drained, it ,is a measure to be filled. Why freight a tub of words to express a spoon of thought? VVe do not count a man's years until he has nothing else to count. If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold. Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down. Flirtation is attention without intention. If you l.ie down with dogs you will rise up with Heas. Marrying a goose does not assure one a bed of swan's down. Page 108