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Page 68 text:
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Where did you put the hoe I saw you wid? It ' s gone intirely, father. Thin I ' ll break ivery bone in your body wid it if you don ' t find it. Harper (going into a barber shop) : Are you the barber who shaved me before? Barber: Yes, sir. Harper: Well, chloroform me. A. Tessin: I planted corn and what do you think came up? H. Block: Corn. Tessin: No, crows came up and ate it. Saylor: I went into the Union Drug and ordered two milk shakes and it didn ' t cost me a cent. Goodsell : Hoav did you manage it? Saylor: I drank one and let the other one ' settle. ' Freshie: I can spell bum with two letters. Sophomore: Let me hear you. Freshie: B-m-bum. Sophomore: A That don ' t spell bum. Freshie: Oh, yes, I forgot and left you out. Porteous : What are we made from? Dezelsky: The good book says we are made from dirt. Porteous: Is that so? I can see now why you never take a bath. Dezelsky: Why? Porteous: If you do your name is mud. What is the matter with you Pete? I swallowed 15 cents. Do you notice the change in me. SANITATION. Miss Morgan (History Class) : Take to the top of page 139. Pupils (In Chorus) : Oh, that ' s too much. Miss Morgan: Then take to the bottom of page 138. Miss Coney (Reading an English Paper) : The conductor was trying to break the record ringing up fares. What car must that have been? W. Stark: The Gratiot car. Miss Moreran (after someone had fully explained the Federalist Party) : Mr. Roeser. you may explain the Bepublican party. Mr. Roeser (half asleep) : Thev weren ' t the Federalist, were they? H. Block (rushing ur to the ninth grade room) : Willa rd won in the twentv-sixth round. Mrs. Miller: What was he running for?
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Page 67 text:
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VERY CLOSELY RELATED. When a man without cash or credit attempts to leave a hotel and lowers his valise out of a back window by means of a rope, it makes charity seem cold to hear the voice of the landlord below yelling up: All right, I ' ve got the valise; let go of the rope. Sit down! said a nervous old gentleman to his son, who was making too much noise. I won ' t do it, was the impudent answer. Well, then, stand up. I will be obeyed. The following is the reply of a fond father, who had just re- ceived a letter from his son, a student in his own alma mater: My dear son — Accept my heartiest congratulations. 1 was engaged to the same Miss Bunter when I was in college, and can appreciate the fun you are having. Go it while vou are young. Your loving father. Prof. Blackie once chalked on his notice board in college: The professor is unable to meet his classes tomorrow. A waggish student removed the c leaving lasses. When the professor returned, he noticed the new rendering. Equal to the occasion, the professor quietly rubbed out the 1 and the notice read: The professor is unable to meet his asses tomorrow.
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Page 69 text:
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EFFECT OF ONE TERM IN COLLEGE. When Mr. Stark leaves for college, he will take leave of his mother in this manner : Mother, I will write often and think of you constantly. When he returns, two years later, he will remark to the anxious parents : Deah mothaw, I greet you once moah! Imagine the feelings of a fond mother. HORSTILITY. A pedagogue told one of his scholars, a son of the Emerald Isle, to spell hostility. H-o-r-s-c, horse, began Pat. Not horse tiiity, said the teacher, but hostility. Sure, replied Pat, an ' didn ' t ye tell me the other day not to say hoss? Be jabbers, it ' s one thing wid ye one day and another the nixt. NEVER GET EXCITED. Boys, said a good old clergyman to the boys in the Bible Class, you should never lose your tempers. You should never swear or get angry or excited. T never do. Now to illustrate, you all see that little flv on mv nose. A good many wicked men would i get angry at that flv but T don ' t. I never lose my temper. I simply say: ' Go way. flv — go away — ' confound it, it ' s a wasp! MOSQUITO WITH A LANTERN. Two Irishmen had been fighting: the mosnuitoes in a New York tenement house. About two o ' clock they finally got to sleep. While in a half-doze a lifrhtttin bug came flviug into the rn w Jamie, Jamie, it ' s no use exclaimed Pat. Here ' s o p of the creatures sarchin ' for us wid a lantern! PRACTICE VS. THEORETICAL KNOWLEDGE. A college professor was being rowed across a stream in a boat. Said he to the boatman : Do you understand philosophy? No, never heard of it. Then one-quarter of yonr life is gone. Do you understand •geology? No. Then one-half of your life is gone. Do you understand as- tronomv? No. Then three-quarters of vour life is gone. But presently the boat tipped over and spilled both into the river. Says the boatman : Can you swim? No. Then the whole of your life is gone. ,An Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture and fo represent him standing behind a tree.
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