Valparaiso University - Beacon / Record Yearbook (Valparaiso, IN)

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CLASS PROPHECY August Crosson HE other day I was offered a ride in Professor Williamsi automobile and was enjoying my- self, until we reached the corner of Green- wich and Water Streets where, due to the pre-oceu- pation of the ehauffer, we ran afoul of a lilitehing1 post on the sidewalk. After describing various geo- metrical figures in the air I settled peacefully in Pa Kinseyts lawn. While in a deep sleep on the afore- mentioned lawn, I had a Vision in which I was directed to deliver this message to the Scientific Class of 1910: ttWoe be unto them on that day, who have accused the prophets of impostureW My first vividly remembered idea was that I was watching the deciding game of the VVorld,s Championship Series, between the New York Giants and the Chiieago Cubs. The teams seemed evenly matched and it was hard to say who would win this 1935 Championship. After greeting the blue-eoated officer, Carl Brauehla, who is acting as Marshal, I glance at the frenzied crowd of bleacherites. Like the morning sun Garstkas face looms up, and Giles, Stineman, and Palmer are shouting encouragement to the pitcher of the Cubs. I hear Beverly, VVolford; Haines, and Puileyn encouraging the batter to iigive it a ride, tthit it a mile, etc. In the grand stand amid feminine shrieks I recognize the voices of Miss DeMareus and Seymour. And towering above them all is Miss Chopot, who is waving a pennant which is not torn in two. Lastly I look toward the diamond. In the box stands E. G. Galbraith in his character istie pose, hands high above his head, looking over his left shoulder at first base. He throws the ball NStrike tn, drawls the umpire, Frank B. Brown The next ball is hit by the batter but it is quickly gathered in by the shortstop and Raleigh Stone goes out for the third down. IVhen the tirst-basenian caught the ball, I noticed that he jabbed the base viciously with his foot. That look awakened oId memories and looking closer I recognized Leland Benton. He had learned that trick of being sure to touch the base back in Valpo. I left the grounds and came upon a 1 owling 1110b about to hang a poor wreteh to a tree. I was deeply grieved to see among it and apparently leaders of it such gentleinanly Seientifies and dignified business men as Edward Kupke, Harry Laskar, Edmund Cekul and Kyle Smith. Girls there are too in it. Rose Detlef, Ada Ebbinghans, Jesse Cooper, and, O horrors, Ione Gordon is shaking her tist in the via- tiinis face. I ask what has the man done that these ladies should leave their homes and occupations to wreak vengeance upon him. During a temporary stillness, Elmore Perry informs me that he has dared to insinuate that the Seientiiies of 1910 might not know as much as they thought they did. Pitying the man no longer, I went my way. Before me appeared a large building bearing the legend IiBogarte 8a Duston, Bankers. Pausing be- fore it I was greeted by Fred Fisher, who has just returned from the Pacific. He had been working on a whaling vessel. After overcoming his aversion to water, and learning how to swim, he was of service as a decoy for the whales which were shy. He said, Capt. Freeman Galbraith was a fine fellow to serve under. In company with him was Albert Craner, noted as a geologist. His specialty was fossil plants, especially ferns and rushes. His most noted discov- ery was a fossil ttclass-rush, found in the glacial drift at Valparaiso. The editor of the Fayette Daily Growler, Mr. DeForest H. Bell, entered and with him Senator H. M. Griffith who was engaged in framing a new Constitution of the United States. I entered the building and ascending to the seventh floor, after passing the Thomas School of Class-Cutting, con- ducted by Lowell J. Thomas, I entered the ofiices of Doctors Kiley and Jordan. While there, in comes George M. Hathway,wanting their endorsement for a preparation of his, warranted to remove the dis- coloration due to a blow in the eye. He says that he has the endorsement of Doctor Katherine Tseoff and the eminent surgeon, Doctor J. H. Smith. He toid me that Levant Thompson had just won the Worlds Ping Pong Championship held at Paris, Kentucky, the week before. That David Hostetler was getting rich furnishing tidawgs77 to universities for experi- mental purposes. That the talk of the town was the whirlwind speech delivered by J 0e Brown in the di- vorce ease of Frank Hutehison against his wife, Grace. Frank alleges cruel and inhuman treatment, declaring that his wife insists upon repeating her Scientific orations in her sleep. There is doubt that the opposing council, Ferdinand Haas, can hold his own against the impetuous Brown, although all will agree that Judge Shafer is impartial and Line biased. Descending t0 the street I had a hand-bill thrust into my hand, announcing a lecture at the opera house by the worlds greatest orator, Elmer Van Bus- kirk. I was mildly surprised to see that the subject was HHow to Become a BoxerW The salient points were to be illustrated by Mr. Van Buskirk and his Sparing partner, James Curran. Repairing to the opera house I took a box seat to watch the crowd. I was surprised to see Jessica Wright, Gladys Haw- kins, Ethel Cooper, and Carolyn VVhitloek, all bent on learning something of the noble art of self- defense. I learnt from the usher, Hi H. Sewer, that they had been recently married, and I marveled no longer. After listening to a splendid address of an hours length, I decided to turn my steps elsewhere. I strolled into James Lyons, cigar store and pur-

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But be sure you know of algebra Something more than just a smatter For he calls equations six foot long WA very simple matter. ,7 When he said in heat and fluids Likewise in sound and light llNow this is Very obvious7, We prepared to sit up all night. To keep the balance it is said To equals add just equals, To vary from this often brings Somewhat disastrous sequels. We found this out and you Will too, Little Freshie young and green, When you hit the road to algebra Under Roesseler, I ween. Be sure you know your axioms, And donlt you be to long In answering all his questions, 01' he,ll sing that little song. There is B. F. Who said he7d like A eross-section of our brains, VVeTe sure held find it wonderful And well worth all his pains. If he performed the operation He7d find then Ilm quiite sure7 More than one layer devoted. To the subject of Literature. To Milton, Wordworth and Carlyle To Tennyson and his graces, To heaven and earth and paradise And several other places. Old N oah knew the animals That praneed into his Ark, He named and called them two by two For he knew them all by heart. But our Bennet With his theory Of spontaneous generation Can trace their pedigrees, Iim sure, Dowu to our present station. So if youid like to know from Which Ancestral tree youlve sprung, And Who your old ancestors were, And how this world begun, Go to Professor Bennet And Whether Jew or iiunkey, lle7ll prove to you beyond a doubt You ire cousin to the monkey. To clear away the Latin snags When deep became the Water, We had Professor Carver And his most charming daughter. Shels a loyal Scientific, Classics elen obey her rule, And Latin verbs and idioms Just radiate from her stool. He is the teacher on the Hill Of superlative degree For adjectives describing him All end in ees-t- But to teachers kind and thoughle ,Tis time to say adieu, We leave you With regrets, and With Kind feelings not a few. VVelll take With us the memories Of our dear Alma Mater, To homes throughout all this broad land, And elen across the water. In the busy life hereafter Back Will come thoughts of her To all the girls of nineteen ten Whenever fudge they stir, While all the boys will have to do Is just to strike a light, And theyill dream of her in clouds of smoke, From out that old class-pipe.

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chased a Van Buskirk cigar. Quite by accident I met my old friend, Congressman J. W. Sprowls. He told me that owing to his knowledge of Parliament- ary Law he had no difficulty, while speaker of the house, in deciding all disputed points. Together we attended the meeting of the American Educational Society. There we listened to addresses by such emi- nent scholars as Miss Gilmore, Professor of Phy- siology at Valparaiso, and Professor Amelia 0. Fisher, German at the same place. Professor Carl LaRue, Ph. D., of Chicago U. spoke on HThe New Religion7, and promised to speak on the Present, Past, or any other kind of religion the next time he got a chance. G. M. Clendenning, holding the chair of Botany at Cornell, followed him. Mr. and Mrs. S. A. Hoffman, noted educators of Chicago, were pres- ent. After noting on the program that famous chem- ist, J aeob Papish, would lecture about his new theory of matter, we departed. Going out we met Ione Borden successor to Miss Carver at Valparaiso, and Professor of Literature, Miss Elsie Mead 0f VVelles- ley. Barely had we reached the street when our at- tention was attracted by a procession carrying ban- ners with these inscriptions, HVotes for VVomenft HWe want our Rights, etc. I was flattered by the greeting I received from Miss Graham, and Miss Slusser the leaders, and following their example, the banner bearers, Laura Milburn, Ora Callaway, and Delia Morris did likewise. Miss Quinnell assured me that Joan of Are believed in VVomen7s Rights, and Miss Anna Kloekow wished to deliver a speech in German advocating them. As the procession passed by Miss Donnelly, who was standing near, invited us to hear a lecture delivered by Miss Lelia Budd. Hearing that it was a temperance lecture my friend Sprowls refused to go, so I must needs go alone. On my way I passed a ttStone it yard and saw the world7s greatest sculptor, Calvin P. at work on a statue of Doctor Lester K. Strait in memory of his invention of a hair tonic warranted to grow hair on the chin. Needing a button on my coat I entered a shop which above the door said ttTaylortl but when she saw it was lead, Lenora sent me next door to see the ttPlummerY, While there, I heard distinctly these words, HWhat has this got to do with the Church and State in England. Well it has got this to do.77 I looked around and saw Klin'ias reviewing a Scientific oration to be delivered as a toast that night at a banquet held in honor of Mr. Lonsway, a high dignitary of the Mormon Church, who had just arrived from Utah with several of his wives. Mr. Klimas wished me to vote for the Soeialistie ticket at the next election, declaring that their line up was not any worse than any other. As near as I could I obtained it. It was as follows: Matthias J. Fredd, Mayor. Charles F. Erwin, Comptroller. Adam Dambrauekas, tity Treasurer. Casimer J. Mikolaitis, Sam Jurow, Charles Vidi- kas, Aldermen. Stasys Szafrounaekas had been proposed for some office but unfortunately the gentleman making the nomination speech, Mr. Walter Bell, had developed a severe attack of loekjaw and so his name was With- drawn. Dismayed by the horrible fate of Mr. Bell, I beat a hasty retreat. Soon I was attracted by the peculiar antics of a group of people down the street who were making sundry sudden gestures with their hands. Drawing nearer I recognized among the crowd Messrs. MeCrum, Lucas, Harry Miller, and Ir Ving; LaRue, and Misses Mary Strait, Ida Reekten- wall, and Moorman, working under the direction of Scott Knoll. I learned that he was now conducting a school of fly catching, an art which he became adept in at Valparaiso. his pupils were now out doing field work. Collaring the instructor I preserved many flies 7 lives, while I chatted with him of old times. He invited me to dinner with him7 telling me that J esse W. Ault and his wife Alyce lived in that neighbor- hood, and that I should also meet Mr. and Mrs. John- son, formerly a Miss Steunkel. I declined as I had already accepted an invitation of Mr. Robert Pfan- stiel to dine and meet his wife known to me at school as Miss Harmon. I said good-bye to Knoll and entered the tiWhite Crow Laundryt, conducted by Clarence Quick, ttShirts cleaned and delivered while you waitY, There I picked up a magazine, tI was waiting, you seey and read a famous poem by Miss Mae Chauncey and glanced at an article by Mattie Baird, the noted Mathematician, on The Fourth Dimension In the mWhois Who and 'Why,7 column, I found men- tioned G. G. 'Winter, Governor of Ohio, and J. G. Fer- guson, one of the greatest lecturers on the Chautau- qua platform. I was interested by a treatise written by Myra E. Jones on Halley7s Comet7 and an adver- tisement of how to learn Latin seans'ion by corre- spondence, address R. R. Bell. Having only a few minutes before supper, I Visited the large W. A. McKnight Chemical Manu- facturing Co. Mr. McKnight introdued me to his private secretary, Lena F. Take, and calling his office boy, A. L. Asheraft, he directed him to show me about his works. I met and spoke to H. L. Hess and then was introduced to' the head chemist, Otto E. . Linderman, B. 8., of Valpo, Ch. E. of Boston NTech.H Mr. Linderman spoke a few words to his assistant, a tall, lean, black haired man, and then remained talk- ing to us. Something in the assistants bearing seemed familiar, and I wished he might turn around that I might see his face. My wishes were about to be gratified when, due to his carelessness, something went wrong with the apparatus. We ran for our lives and as the report of the explosion died away, I saw where the assistant stood a pair of enormously large feet, and then I knew. A voice thundered. HWoe be unto them on that day who have accused the prophets of e-Y, I opened my eyes and found myself gazing into two blue eyes through two pairs of spectacles while a gruE but kindly road said, ttO, Ah-h. He,s all right but it was a narrow escape.