Upper Arlington High School - Norwester Yearbook (Upper Arlington, OH)

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fThus Decree the Fatesj fAll characters and names mentioned in this article are purely ficti- tious, any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.j Twelve long years of work for us, and yet the memory of that first day is very clear as I sit here in study hall this beautiful spring day and realize that not only do I have spring fever but also, only one more short month of school. My drowsiness makes it difficult to realize that any of us could ever amount to anything, even though soon we shall be out in the cold, cold world making our respective names. I wonder what we'll all be ten years from now, twenty, forty years from now ..... Our skyliner is making fast progress across the foot hills of the Rockies. Pilot Willis Fidler well knows the tricks of flying, for we have had only three forced landings since we left Chicago ten hours ago. Not a bad record-eh? Among the many passengers I seem to recognize a few. I notice Miss Ruth Goodwin, world renowned international buyer, who even now is on her way to Shanghai to buy the International Con- cession. We talked together a few minutes before we were joined by another former acquaintance, the Honorable Mary Ann White, recent ambassador to the Fiji Islands. Our conversation turns to the celebrity upon the ship, Joie de Fitz-Henri, who is too sophisticated now to speak to her one-time classmates. Miss Fitz-Henry has recently won first prize in a Glamour Babies contest in Hicksville, Ohio, and now she is on her way to Hollywood for a screen test in the Gigantic Super Ultra Studios, which are under the business management of William Knoderer III, and the film direction of Mr. George McClure. Our little chit-chat is interrupted by air hostess, Barbara Miller, who brings us disquieting news, Eugene Millikin and Richard Folk are off again. These two famous inventors have recently devised an air ship that flies without wings, controls, motor or fuel. It has just one disad- vantage, once off the ground, it can't be brought down. Its two inventors are still circling the globe in their test flight. Tsk!! Tsk! Again the plane veers wildly, the motor sputters and the ship glides toward the ground-another forced landing in the heart of the wild mountains, but our able pilot easily brings the plane down upon a meadow, smashing only the wings, undercarriage, and nose. HDon't worry, folks, says Fidler, 'Til have her fixed in a jiffyf, As we open the door expecting to meet a grisly bear, lone cowboy, Tom Fallon, bids us welcome to the Dude Ranch of the Palmer boys, sons of the late proprietor, William Francis Arthur Benjamin Harrison Xavier Palmer. A group of persons with familiar faces comes to meet us. Here is .loan Galbraith, head of the Insane Asylum of Kokomo, Indiana, where she contracted rickets and had to have her teeth extracted by a famous dentist, Dr. Ironhead Murphy. She is talking with Phyllis Nash, a cow- girl, and a group of others who seem to be discussing the recently de- ceased Marcia Overbeck who started out on a promising career as dieti- tian, but died when she first tasted her own food. Also in the group is grief-stricken Mrs. Mary Jean Tice Lorey, who has recently returned from Pongo-Wongo, Nyasaland, where her explorer-husband, Dick, had zealously taken up the white man's burden and tried to civilize the heathen black of Pongo-Wongo. Here Dick had a rather uncomfortable experience with the natives. In fact, it is said the old boys ate him. Page Twmzty

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12:30 3:30 ..... Back in study hall where we try in vain to concentrate .... 1:30.. . Chemistry lab with its overwhelming odors and surprising explosions .... Here heroes are horn-and frequently exterminated . . . Now that we are here, we don't want to leave . lillflt' .YiIIl'ff'L'lL

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As Miss Goodwin and I proceed to the ranch house, we find every- thing in an uproar because a marriage has just taken place between two notables of the county. One, indeed, is none other than honest Diamond Jim Andrew, candidate for President-uthe people's choice, born in a log cabin, reared in the gutter, running on the '6Nutzy ticket. Against him is Virginia Forsythe on the MTheatre ticket. He is marrying Rhitah Jeanne Brown, freshly divorced in Reno from her fifth husband. The ceremony was performed by the Honorable Reverend Wm. T. Heath and was broadcast over the international network of the Derringer Broad- casting Studios as a publicity stunt to encourage romance. This mar- riage once again dampened the spirits of Robert Maynard, millionaire playboy, who has spent the best years of his life pursuing La Brown. Music for this ceremony was furnished by Maestro Wilce and his uPlas- tered Pipers, featuring Phil Miller and his roughhouse rhythm and that flaming torch singer, Jean Hubbard. Nestled in a secluded nook, Fran Wagenhals is eagerly devouring the pages of the best seller, g'I'Iow to Win Men and Influenza, by co- authors Pat Nielsen and Caroline Felker. Imagine our surprise when we recognized even more persons in the crowded lobby. Her Highness, Vicontesse Jayne Colliope Weathers, is discussing politics with the great screen lover, Michael Valentino Khourie, who is vainly trying to introduce a more intimate topic into the conversation. Near by, Daniel Dale Dupler, Big Ten coach, is discussing the latest news of Arlington's 35th consecutive victory over Grandview with Siz- zling Sluggerw Crane, world flyweight champion, and Ed Shaffer, tennis chump who is at the ranch recovering from a nervous breakdown after losing the Davis Cup for the ninth time. My attention is called to the three barons of the underworld. Two of them, HFish Facei' Jarvis and his gun moll, uToots Grover, have just worked out an infallible system to beat the numbers racket fdivide the number of coins in your pocket by the time of day, multiply by the mile- age on your speedometer, add the number of years you've spent in prison, divide by the age of your first wife when you shot her, and you have itj. The third member of the trio, Baby Face Cameron, is pitch- ing pennies with the proprietor of a flee circus, Bill Smith, who pitches while he scratches. In the ranch house, Bob McElree is proudly showing off his many tattooed figures collected in odd spots of the world. Martha Edge, famous for her reducing diets, Mademoiselle La Meuser, latest toast of Paris fand we don't mean burntj, and that lonely cowboy Tripp were vaguely looking on. Dr. Robert H. Hamlin, Ph.D., D.D., B.A., B.S., B.M., Esg., Professor of Philoprogenitology, is in an animated discussion with bespectacled Joyce Tefft, famous archeologist and author of the treatise, MThe Re- spective Progress of the Science of Cosmetology in the Civilizations of the Antediluvian Man and the Pithecanthropus Erectusf' As I stopped to exchange a friendly word with them, I learned that Don Schiesswohl had lately embezzled three million dollars from his firm and had skipped to Mexico to finance a revolution, and that Robert Anstaett, Walt Disney's crack fcrackedj beauty specialist, went also to get a close look at those tough Mexican senoritasf, As I mounted the stairs to my room, whom should I bump into but Marge Mochel, the only woman undertaker in the States. She recently CCon.finued on page 975 Page Twmzly-one