Upper Arlington High School - Norwester Yearbook (Upper Arlington, OH)

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Why, isn't that the one and only Donovitch Clarkoff talking to Martha Sayers, the trumpet player, and Betty XV. Crane, the psychologist? Mr. Clarkoif, the former Don Clark, has become a star in the movies, playing in ghastly, goon and ghoulish roles. He is a perfect combination of Lon Chaney and Boris Karloff, Clarkoff is discussing Mr. Wm. L. Taylor, the screen's greatest lover. Mr. Taylor is pursuing Helen Pfening, who has become a nun. They say Taylor is simply pining away for her, but she will have nothing to do with him. In the lounge we find Doris and Betty Young hurling insults at Barbara Baker and Lucille Kepley. They all own rival hot-dog stands on the same street. Refereeing the match is Esther Miller, the first woman to swim across the Olen- tangy River. Here also is Betty Tu-mbleson, widow of Burjo Lamb, who was hanged for rustling cattle in Texas, and Mary Hershberger, a member of the Canadian Mounted Police. Passing into the dining room, we meet Frances Pfening, a wild-eyed evan- gelist who gives soul-stirring speeches on street corners, and Kay Denbow, who stands in the crowd and yells Amen! Miss Denbow is the former welfare worker among the Montana Indians. They are watching a magic performance given by Bloney the Great. We see at once that Bloney is none other than Joe Mechem who, in one of his acts, made Sue Flick disappear. She hasn't been seen since. Mr. Mechem tells us that this is a benefit performance, all proceeds going toward the funeral expense of Betty Isaly, Betty Crane, Roberta O'Brien, Ruth Vibber, Jane VV ood and Marylee Bottenhorn, who were asphyxiated at a slumber party last week. wandering down into the engine room, whom do we see but Dick Taylor frying eggs on the exhaust pipe. jack jackson and Roger Kennedy are close by eating egg sandwiches by the dozen. Mr. Kennedy is the man who embezzled 370,000 from his iirm and skipped off to join a revolution in South America. Mr. Taylor, being disappointed in love, agreed to go along and forget that unfaithful dame. jackson merely went along, as he expressed it. to see some of those hot South American babes. Rev. P. W. Tefft, demure little minister, is lecturing the advocates of hen-fruit sandwiches on the evils of ballroom dancing. Hovering in the background, we notice a portly gentleman with a goatee. He looks as if he would like to join the boys, but it seems to be beneath his official dignity. Why, it is none other than J. Fletcher Sisson, the former ambassador to France, who was kicked out for insulting the Prime Minister's daughter. At this point, the loud-speaker system informs us that everyone is to assemble in the dining hall. When the entire group is present, the lights suddenly flicker out and a weird figure with a candle on its nose appears. It is P. Butler Best himself! He is about to speak-- Aha! he says in a cracked voice, at last I have you all where I want you, heh-heh! I always did think this graduating class was a terrible one and would be a burden to humanity, and now I am going to wipe out the whole class, oh, ha-ha! This ship is loaded with T. N. T. and at this moment we are just one thousand miles from the moon, travelling at the speed of fifty miles a second! I have already thrown Mary Hoagland and Jeanne Yantes overboard, and in twenty seconds we crash! One-two--three-good-bye, you fools, heh, heh, heh, eleven--twelve-thirteen-stop screaming, it won't save you-seventeen-eighteen-nineteen--'' The suspense has been rudely interrupted by a loud knocking at the door! It opens suddenly and two uniformed attendants from the Insane Asylum stride in. A 'fCome along, you, says one of them, grabbing P. Butler by the collar, You ve been out long enough now. Why, hhhow dddid you ggget in here F stammers Mr. Sage, We thought we were sssomewhere out in sp-sp-space. Page fifteen

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K SENIOR CLASS PROPHECY P. Butler Best, Ph.D., B.A., B.Sc., M.A., P.U., Esq., hereby requests your presence, as a member of the Senior Class of 1935 of Upper Arlington High School, on his first trip to the moon in a rocket ship of his own design. Present this card at the entrance of Toadstool Cave on April 30, 195 5, at 3 :oo P. M. and you will be conducted through a secret tunnel to the private landing Held. P. S.-Have no fear of danger as Mr. Best has been studying the principles of rocket ships for about three weeks and knows all about them. QThese invitations printed through the courtesy of the GRAVENVAULT INSURANCE COMPANY. Take out a policy on your lifej Having debated the question of risking our lives on such a journey, we at last decided to place our trust in P. Butler. Even now we are emerging from the secret tunnel and are about to ascend the gangplank of the ship. Entering with us is Mr. Lynn Doctor, of Doctor and Latham Cough Drops, Guaranteed to kill all coughs or coughers and seven cents back on the bottle. Upon inquiry Mr. Doctor informed us on the side that Mr. Latham had died in a paroxysm of coughing. At the top of the steps is none other than Muriel Younger, the six-day bike champion. Entering the cloak-room, we run into Jake Dauben, the notorious gangster, a'nd his lieutenant, George Miser, former drug-store cowboy, who is trying to gyp a slot-machine. My, but it's good to see all these familiar faces again. Over in the corner Rosemary Reed, a telephone operator, is talking to Betty Snook, first woman senator from Podunk, and Lanora Wilkin, Arizona cow-girl. A porter now appears and tells us to hang on, for we are about to start. With a whir and a rattle and a few unimportant explosions, we feel ourselves picking up speed. Feeling rather sick, we make our way to a porthole where We encounter Bob Knoderer, matinee idol, and Shirley Tice, foreign-language author- ity, also feeling none too chipper. Close beside them, Katherine McKinney, editor of the New Y crrk Times, is chatting with Mary Arant and Eleanor Allen, cele- brated opera stars. Strolling into the recreation room, we meet Bill Albrecht, who rose to fame as an eccentric dancer. Mr. Albrecht is enjoying a game of pool with Harry Sage, rapid-fire sports announcer, Bob Bottman, beer salesmang john Schwartz, a promising barber, and Wayne Sharp, whose rural instincts finally got the better of him and drove him back to the farm. On the other side of the room Mar- celline Miller, the artist who draws the internal anatomy of worms, flies and fleas, is playing ping-pong with john Taylor, the famous daredevil who jumped off the Statue of Liberty with an umbrella in his hand. Over in the corner we see an attractive couple who seem to be very much interested in each other. Well, who should it be but Miss Betty Thompson, ardent junior League worker, and Campbell Graf, dashing young man about town. Watching them with jealous eyes is Margaret Schleckman who gained fame with Barnum and Bailey on the flying trapeze. It is rumored that Mr. Graf jilted her for Miss Thompson. Attracted by a noisy braying across the room, we notice Ferris P. Copper arguing with Mary Wall, the author of The Use of Hieroglyphics and Sedatives Among the Ancient and Prehistoric Peoples of the Euphrates Valley. Mr. Copper, you know, is the renowned chemist who invented Thusum Tablets, which rejuvenate and put new life into one. Page fourteen

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Page sixteen Navy , replies the attendant, This crate has been setting here for two months now. This guy Best built it and he imagines he takes trips in it to the moon. He got away from the Asylum last january and we just now got the lowdown on this place. Come along, Napoleon. And the attendants depart, dragging the wretched P. Butler Best by the ear. After some time the guests recover from the shock and take themselves off, one by one, to muse over the happenings of the day. Foremost in each one's mind is the familiar adage so frequently quoted by our old friend Mr. McCullough, which, in plain words is: Every great genius is a bit teched in the haid l RICHARD TAYLOR. THE CLASS WILL OF l935 We, the Class of Nineteen Hundred and Thirty-live, being of sound mind and intellect do hereby state and publish these outstanding vices and virtues as our last will and testament, and do bestow them upon our underclassmen: Bill Albrecht leaves his profound philosophy of wimmini' to Ted Held. ,lack Jackson wills his resolute industriousness to Pete Albanese. Joe Cooper bequeaths his Carniverous Cavern and its ineloquent effer- vescences to Dix Reeves. Jack Dauben wills his brother to Admiral Byrd, and hopes his next trip will be long and far. Bob Knoderer consigns his power over Miss Schultz to Joe Ryan. Joe Mechem wills his ankle taping job to some poor, poor man. Phil Tefft leaves his Essex to the T. A. C.'s. tlts practically theirs now.j Barbara Baker passes her stentorian voice in English classes to Birdie Schmidt. Marylee Bottenhorn leaves her Golden Locks to Angela Cahagen. Marcelline Miller says that she leaves her knack of blushing and looking flustered to Kay Franks. Betty Jane Snook wills her gift of gab to Herb MacKenzie. Betty Thompson wills a few cylinders to Mr. jackson's Jenny. Don -Clark wills his interpretation of rhythm to the Arlington Band. Harry Sage hands his curly locks down to jim Hayhurst. Mary Arant wills her pull with Mrs. Davis to John Hoagland. Campbell Graf leaves his Joe Penner hat and manner to Bob Snyder. Roger Kennedy passes down to Frank Howe, along with the football cap- taincy, the pleasant task of listening to the ravings of 3,591 assorted alumni. CEach guaranteed differentj John Taylor passes his Rowdy sense of humor on to jimmy Walker. Mary Hoagland leaves her big words to Bob Nosker, for future reference in Virgil. Pat Pfening wills her stately stride to Tootey Scott. Dick Taylor wills his art of thinking up stunts to Beverley Gabrio. Betty Jane Crane bequeaths her volubility to Ruth Smith. John Sisson wills his faculty for stringing teachers to Dean Palmer.