University of Virginia - Corks and Curls Yearbook (Charlottesville, VA)

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was hungry, and then she reached into this shopping bag she had with her and pulled out a container like they give you when you take out stuff at a delicates- sen. She also had a little plastic spoon, and when she took the top off the contain- er, she started eating cole slaw. Hell, there must have been a pound of it. She saw me watching and offered me some. lCole slaw is very good for you, young man, and it also gives a nice shape to your legsf she said to me. I told her to for- get it, that I was happy just watching her. Well, and by now I was looking for an emergency escape window, she finished the cole slaw and started to 'chew on the container. I thought that by the time we got into D.C. she would have eaten the whole thing . . . I,Ve had nightmares about that woman ever since? IiPhelps, if there is anyone who can throw the bull more excessively than you, Yd have to hear him to believe itfl Martin chuckled. uOne look at Phelps and you can tell he does many things to excess? H.T. snickered. Bob Fletcher, always the great Habless defender of flab, added, IiWell, that mid- dle-aged bankeris body of his has gotten more lovin, than most of us dream of. Charlottesvillels version of King Faroukfl uI guess this Mid-VVinters we wont have to worry about Rhett Cleghornels ex- cessiveness. Do you have the strength to lift that whiskey sour, or are you just going to hold it all night? Martin Vanderslice asked Rhett. Rhett turned with a scornful look and said, Since I plan to be a member of the faculty here, it has been one of my major interests to learn of some of the traditional attitudes of the faculty. As a matter of fact, excessive drinking on party weekends deeply worried our saintly faculty of old. The once extant Virginia Temperance League imposed upon any University student seen and reported drunk in public a fine of one dollar for his first offense. Consequent offenses brought progressively larger assessments until a persistent violator might stand to lose as much as a hundred dollars on his fifth offense tCod forbid that there ever be such a reprobatel This scheme soon proved ridiculous since clandestine drinking continued nonetheless. So the administration, with the Temperance Leagues endorsement, decided to abandon the fine and simply make all University sponsored dances ipledgedl af- fairs. This meant that no one who had drunk anything alcoholic after noon could attend a dance that night. IVhen you entered the dance floor, you were in es- sence pledging not to have imbibed that afternoon. The dances L..;ually lasted until 6:00 A.M., after Which everyone migrated to a delightful breakfast at the Southern Railway Station. This limited consumption is far more preferable to todayIS horror shows with which I am sure you are thoroughly familiar, Vanderslicef IiTherels no doubt about it, Rhett, you should have been a pedagogue in an ear- lier era. For instance, I can just see you meting out to Coleman May, a young man whose case is an archetype of faculty ridiculousness. I found, while trying to avoid studying in the Library, that in the 1840s a young man, Coleman Chrisholm May, Esq. was brought before a committee of the faculty for certain of his habits. The dialogue as it read in the minutes went much as follows: ii IMr. May, we hear you have been drinking too muchf I WVell, professor, itoo much is a relative term. As a matter of fact, my doctor prescribed whiskey for my healthf I Have you found it beneficial, Mr. May? It Very much so, professor. A month ago I ordered a carton of whiskey delivered to my room on the West Range. It took the help of three husky slaves for me to carry that carton into my room, and now I can lift it all by myself

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hillls Royal Yacht tobacco, his head surrounded by the vein-blue smoke clouds of his own making, in his right hand a copy of Ayn Rand,s Atlas Shrugged tthe book mark had not moved in two Weeksl, he glanced at his umbrella, which he kept unopened even in the rain, leaning against a corner of the room. In any discussion of Richard, it should be stated at the outset that he was uniquely offensive. At times, his gall was poetic. Conversation to him meant arguing in circles. A self-admitted scholar of Herodatus and Hegel, he was indeed a Midwest- ern marvel. It was not until he opened his mouth that you could tell he was a native of Des Moines, Iowa. Having thoroughly read the Playboy magazine delinitions of what a first yearman should wear, smoke, read, and think, Richard only regretted that the philosophy department failed to offer a course in Hugh Hefneris philosophical discourses. He found life absurd but failed to accept his own absurdity so that it might be meaningful. If only I could circle the square, he often thought. Eight young men within four walls. Of different backgrounds, different habits, different thoughts. The phenomenon of the bull session has been and always will be the great common ground, the great equalizer. The Thursday night before Mid-WinterIs weekend. In twenty-four hours traditional concepts of time and space would be frozen. But tonight let us have the calm before the storm. iiHey, H.T., who you got comin, to see youiw Phelps laughed. ITm going to see if I cant snake something. Hell, Mary Jane was going to be Hying up from home, but with the weather like this, I told her to wait for Easters. Wait till you see her, H.T. said. iiYeahf, Martin began, II bet sheis just a great honey. Really hot for you, huh, H.T. iiWhoIs your date, slob? H.T. triumphantly stated. iiSharon Lewis, from Hollinsf Martin smiled. Thatls the one you had down for Openings. After that weekend itis amazing that you would get her to come again? Richard said. Much talk about incoming dates. Private delusions of grandeur. Strategies, strate- gies. Things to remember: go to the ABC store, cash check, pick up shirts and suit, get cigarettes tnon-filter, she wont want to smoke any, let her buy her owm see if they let you make reservations at the White Spot, get a bottle of Listerine. IH.T., let me have a smoke, will youtw Phelps asked. H.T. went over and gave him a cigafette. Phelps lit up and suddenly started laughing. IiWhatis so funny, now? H.T. asked defensively. IiDonlt worry, H.T., Tm not laughing at youf, Phelps began. I was just thinkin, about this old woman I met on a bus up to D.C. my first year. You wouldnlt have believed it. She sat next to me and when I took out a cigarette, she asked me for one. Very polite about it. So I gave her one. Well, then I looked at her and she was smiling at me, mouth wide open, and the only tooth in her mouth was this long sharp tooth right in front. I lit a match for her, but she said no thank you, and just bit the Hlter off the cigarette and threw the tobacco part on the floor. And she was so damned happy just Chewin, on that filter all the way to Warrenton that I offered her another one. Then she started talking about how all cigarettes tasted the same to her and did I think she would get cancer. And when she closed her eyes to go to sleep she took out the two filters and put them in her lap. When she slept, that one tooth came over her lower lip and looked like it would draw blood from her chin, if she only had one. She didn,t sleep long because she a

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'The faculty, 3 little stuffy towards this remark, gave the following punishment to Mr. May: He could only keep liquor in his room if it was four feet above the ground, and that after a certain hour he would have to retire, and after which he may not touch the floor to retrieve any liquor; it was meant to keep Mr. May to a limited amount of indulgence. This punishment was later removed; it was de- cided not to interfere with Mr. Mayls habits. This decision was brought about because of the ingenuity of Mr. May. To circumvent his punishment, Coleman took a mule into his room, put a bottle of liquor on the mantlepiece, tied the rnule to his bed-post, and got into bed. When he felt thirsty, he untied the mule, mounted from his bed, rode to the mantlepiece, took a drink, rode back, tied the mule and got into bed. He did this repeatedly with his feet never touching the floor? Phelps spoke up at this point saying iiVVell, Cleghorne, you talk about students drinking here but you don,t hear too much about the old time faculty boozers. One of the deans had an impressive reputation for nipping whenever he got the chance. As he was short on secretaries, he hired a student to work part-time in his oilice. One afternoon the student assistant came barging in just as the dean was pulling a flask out of his desk drawer. Not in the least taken aback, the dean exclaimed, iBest damn hair tonic in the world; as he vigorously rubbed it into the few remaining hairs on his head? After this story Phelps came out with a loud laugh and slouched back into a listening position. Cary Randolph seemed to take this gesture as a cue. As he stood by the roaring fire he boasted that the incident of whiskey on the Deans head couldnlt match the time bourbon anointed the noble skull of the President of the United States. uLate one November, President Coolidge was witnessing a heated Virginia- Carolina brawl on an unusually cold afternoon. Fellowship and ferociousness, however, were not enough to combat the bitter forces of Old Man Winter, and some of the Virginia partisans were forced to take stronger measures. With only seconds remaining a guy named Swyback scored for Carolina to win the game. The play was run on fifth down, and the ball carrier stepped out of bounds in the process of scoring, but the final score stood. The Virginia fans erupted, Coolidge was hit in the head by an errant bottle, and the Carolina football team barely escaped to its dressing room without loss of limb. Recently, fans of other schools have been known to throw unopened beer cans, but let it be said that VVahoo fans have never been known to hurl an unemptied container. You might be in- terested to know that this scene took place during the prohibition era? nIs that right? Thatis amazing? For the first time that evening Fletcher showed some sign of life, and, as everyone in the room well knew, these stirrings 0n Fletcherls part were induced by that magic word iifootball. iiYou know, I re- member reading somewhere that football, as we think of it, was first played at the University around 18873, : Yeah, Fletch, is that something that all the grant-in-aid boys have to learnPT, Vanderslice remarked with a sardonic smile. Nevertheless, F letcher continued undisturbed. uBut the games were not very popu- lar with the student body. Realizing a dire need for some sort of stimulus at this stage, a guy named Leny from the Law iDepartment, suggested erecting:r a wall around the playing field and charging a gate fee. Sure enough, curiosity soon won the day, and a marked increase in attendance guaranteed the games future status. About a year later an athletic association was formed to organize and to coordinate the different sports activities. Leny deservedly was made its president. It was at this juncture that Virginia athletes first began wearing the orange and navy bluef'