University Medical College - Scalpel Yearbook (Kansas City, MO)

Page 185 text:

T ine' 1 ' i Evuggeatn-Eherapine Or It Pays to Advertise. It was a gala day in the City of the Kaw. A committee composed of the foremost citizens of the town, in their frock coats and silk hats, met the Washington Special as the President of the United States stepped from the train. Long rows of automobiles were waiting at the depot carriage entrance, to take the Chief Executive to Convention Hall, where thousands were in waiting to congratulate him on his good judgment in se- lecting navy surgeons to command the hospital ships of the navy. The procession of machines was headed by a limousine containing the President and Dr. Skinoky-the president of Kansas City's leading bank. The buildings all along were festooned with national colors. As the President's party swung into Walnut street at Ninth, cheer after cheer went up from a crowd out in front of a large building which had red, white and blue electric lights ornamenting the second floor. The Chief Executive nodded to Dr. Skinoky his appreciation of the cordial recep- tion and commented on the beautiful arrangement of colored lights on Convention Hall. Dr. Skinoky assured him that this was not Convention Hall but was the Fudge Building and that the different colored lights were simply the decorations of the suite of offices of Dr. Claude J. Von Witten. Then Dr. Skinoky related the story of how the advertising doctor is made. Five years ago, he said, there lived in Pee Dee, Mo., a model youth by the name of Von Witten, who earned his daily bread by honest toil in the coal mines of that vicinity. He was considered the best Workman on the track and when pay day came his envelope fairly bulged with his fortnight's earnings. The merry maidens of the camp soon learned how industrious this lad was and they longed to know him better. One evening as young Von Witten was returning from the mines, carrying his dinner pail, his pick swung over his shoulder and his oily cap jauntily placed on one side of his head, he met Lottie, the Poor Saleslady. Claude smiled and threw out his chest as he saw Lottie, but he failed to notice a small pebble in his path, which betrayed. him at this eventful moment and turned his foot, suddenly sending him sprawling in the dust. The dinner pail rolled down the road but his pick fell on his hand causing a small wound. Lottie, seeing he was hurt took her kerchief from around her head and ban- aged the injured hand. The couple then strolled down the road together. Lottie seemed worried, finally -she said, Claude, why don't you study to be a doctor, so you can wrap up people's hands when they are hurt, instead of trudging along working yourself to death and never getting any pleasure out of life? The youth brightened and said, t'Well, I had never thought of that, though I have read our Family Do-ctor Book through several times and I found it very interestingf, They talked this subject over for -several even-ings, finally Lottie convinced him that he would soon be rich if he would go to the city and get in some big d-octor's office. It would only be a matter of a short time, she thought, until patients would flock to him and when his fortune was made he would return to Pee Dee and make her his own. The next pay day at the mines he bade all of his old comrades good-bye and took the train for the city. There he found he could get a paper route to Day 1115 GXDGHSGS through the first year in the Medical College. The first year he arose every morning at four o'clock and peddled his papers. Aft- 'ii 1 sl l , ,1 1 ii itil fl iz ,MZ W ii rj, tif l i T l i i l Q I i l 1. I l R l i l in VE y 1 4. I i F -i i .l l ? tif il. 1-ilu ll ,ll ,Li Vi- ,4 i it ll V M1 i'I' ,ill fi' llc' l ll,

Page 184 text:

f,.1 ,, Q11 '11 1' 1711111 1 A' 1, 1 111 . 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 111 1, l 1 - 1 11 1' 1 1 1 1 11 1 . 11 111 si Y 11 1 11 1 1 111 11 V 1 1 '11 1 1 1 1,1 1,'1'11 1111 1 '115 1 11 .1 1 111 1 111 1 1 111 1 1 M11 11 1111 111111, 211 111 1 Y' 1 11 11 1 111 '11 11 111 1 11 31 1 111 13 11 .1, 1l 1 1 1 '1 11 1 1 ,1 ' 11 1 , 1 1 1 1 11 ' 1 1 E l 1 511 1 11 ill 1 1 1 .1 1 ii Q 1 1 ' 1 1 1111 1 11' . 1,111 1 1: 1 1 1 1 , 11 , X ' 1 I 1 1 - 111 1 1 113 1 1,1 1, 1 1 1 1 111 11 1 ' 1 1 ll 1 1 1 1 111 1 111 1 1'12 2 11 1111 1 lah 1 1 11 1' 11111 1. 1 1 11 1 . 1 1 15 QE k f 1 , iid ,1 4 ,,,, g wir c WHAT QQ e1N w f 'WO W' I 'Nw is l ' 'X-gp' ,- WQ 7 f .. 1esiiSfLiaT's' at ' 3555! WI sse- :i ' is 7 fa-si-favs 1 N11 .-,- 11Wi'i Q:45 9' 55,45 s if 'F' V! SQ ' 1 TI 1VI1LI.E?C. . 1 L The Gold Dust Twins we here por- tray Are seen at College every day. They keep the Lamp of Knowledge bright By working hard from morn till night. Their places would be hard to fill, 1 For therefs no one else like Kid and Kil. Here we place on exhibition A likeness of the Class Physician, His name is Worley, and God wot There is no subject he knows not. In pathology he especially shines, But is also skilled in other lines. Of surgical instruments he has a ton And knows the name of every one. So send for Worley when sick abed And then cheer up, you'll soon be dead. ND HND WL THE C101-D Due-r 1-wms. f- ' - 1 F 1 . X. 1'1!'!'lQ?l1fFllif1111ll lv X1 -1-Q xx -.- -Q ' 1 E 1 1 1 1 viii! 41 gee NN' 1 X :XX Q, - 1 X' .ff 5 3' PEIEEEEEE 3 SQ i:'ui5'x Fw f--Es A 5 s 1 .4 125551: -E-:H E p 5 1 'wifi- luhi 1 v- ' N915 :mins 5.452 X 'J 111111 'ff X ' Xy ffw 111111 X f N, 1 1 ' sl X xx 1 X E 1 N1111 iw X Q11 1 mai! 1 NK cf X X X X1 2' N -1 filiiw cS'+ ! 5Y vw 1 mx ' 1111 1 I X X N! X I I r 1 4 Z gif X ls. T 1V11LL'E'.Pi.. ' xw' 1 1 1 s 1'

Page 186 text:

er breakfast he would study until school time. He gave no attention to anything but his work and his studies. The result of his first year's work was that he passed in all of his subjects except five. He applied a little more steam and succeeded in getting through on the second examination after having been tutored for two months during the summer. The remaining month of vacation he decided to spend in Pee Dee. He, there- fore, sent the following notice to his home paper, The Weekly Pee Dee Pifflef' t'Dr. Claude J. Von Witten formerly of this city, but now one of the leading physicians and surgeons of the State will be at the Pee Dee Hotel for three weeks and all of the sick and afflicted will be cured of any disease if they will call on this wonderful doctor, who effects the most marvelous cures. Dr. Von Witten charges only S150 for the first treat- ment, all other treatments will be paid for when patient is cured. Do not fail to con- sult this doctor as he will be here only a short time as he has offices in sixty-five of the principal cities of the country. As there had never been any regular physicians in Pee Dee, Von made money fast. In fact when he returned to College the second year he was very much transformed in appearance. Instead of the homespun and Scotch cap of Freshman year, he appeared in the latest creation that exclusive tailors and haberdashers could furnish. Von finally came to the conclusion that it was useless to attend lectures-that knowledge of medicine was not what was necessary to make money in this age of graft cures. He resolved to invent some new method. He quit College before the Sophomore annual examinations and put up a modest office in the Fudge Building. Von Witten found that Eddyites and Dowieites had worked the religious fanatical fake cures until that field was covered, he therefore rented more office space and advertised his sup- posed wonderful discovery which he called Suggesto-Therapinef' He hired all of the surplus stenographers and advertising agents in the city to send out circulars until the whole second floor of the Fudge Building was filled with his self-praising bureaus. The m-oney began to roll in so fast that he is not only the largest bank depositor in the city but has erected five twenty-story buildings on Tenth street in addition to the fact that he has just furnished fifteen millions to the government for the Panama Canal bond issue. To get back to Lottie, the Poor Saleslady who helped to mould his career-she waited in vain for him to return and claim her, but alas! Von had fallen in love' with Edna, the Pretty Typewriter. This so enraged poor Lottie that she began reading Science and Healing and in order to wreak revenge on her former beau-she rushed to Kansas City and started a rival cure concern in the Whelat Belt Bank Building at Thirty-first and Roost avenue. L As soon as Von found Lottie was getting part of his graft he gave up Edna, mar ried Lottie, consolidated their offices and both lived luxuriously ever after. H. T. M. Dr. Robinson: 'tSuppose your room-mate should wake you in the middle of the night and you found he was delirious what would you do? Forner: I would give him -a teaspoonful of hydrocyanic acid every half hour un- til he became quiet?