University of Massachusetts Lowell - Sojourn / Knoll Yearbook (Lowell, MA)

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mon one-class absence excuses. For several absenses the student must come up with less trivial excuses such as, i'l've been having personal problems, l was going to quit school but changed my mind, and the all-purpose excuse, l had mono. Professors aren't really interested in why the student missed class anyway-hejust wants to know when the work will be made up. After all, why do you think professors tell you how many unexcused absenses stu- dents are allowed in the first place? Many students feel their college experience is not com- plete if they haven't live in a dorm. Unfortunately for them, here at the University ofLowell we don't have dorms, we have Hresidence halls. For some strange reason the ad- ministration has done away with the don'ns. lt is thought, however that the two experiences are similar. Roommates. By whim of some computer hidden away in the Dean of Housings ofiice, students are paired off as roommates. Unlike some schools that try to match up compatible roomies iSimular to computer datingl the Uni- versity of Lowell throws names into the computer and each student comes out assigned to a small cube inside of a bigger cube. Those students who are not fortunate enough to get a room are then put on Tl'lE WAITING LIST. WHILE SENTENCED TO wait for an inderrninate amount oftime, these students miss out on some of the finer points of residence hall life. While each hall has its own peculurlari- ties, they all have two things in common. The least danger- ous is the weekly visits from the Lowell fire department for the FIRE DRILLS. Fire drills occure with tno pun intendedl alarming frequency, and seem to have a propensity for Thursday nights. Students are rudely jarred awake by the steady bleating of the fire alami and forced to stumble, bed-clad, down the stairs out into the night. As if this were not bad enough, once the firefighters, fully equipped with axes and rubber coats, deem that there is no fire, students must haul themselves back up the stairs to the comfort of their beds. This is an especially traumatic ordeal for those who live in Fox hall upper towers. No one enjoys trekking up 18 fiights. The second is THE MEAL PLAN. For anywhere from 5600.00 to 5900.00 students can buy little plastic cards with their names and pictures on them. The little card allows students to eat specified food at specified times. The average meal consists of mystery meat with gravy, water-logged vegetables, super spuds, cookies, cake or choice of carbohydrate, and a non-alcoholic beverage. All students who live in the residence hall must purchase the meal plan. Meanwhile, at Bogus and Leitch , some lost soul is trying to get into the building, but can't, because he lost his SENSOR CARD. Sensor cards were designed to keep non- residents out, and to a point have succeeded, except that they also keep residents out. Some students choose to live off-campus in buildings oumed by people called SLUMLORDS. The average slum- lords own vast amounts of properties and makes vast amounts of money by renting to students. Typically, the average student apartment has ugly paneling on the walls, rotting linoleum on the kitchen floor, moth-eaten rugs on the remainder of the floors, leaky plumbing, mice, and rooms the size ofa Fotomat booth. The apartment experi- ence is supposed to give the student a taste of real-life responsibilities. ln all actuality it teaches them to stay in school so that they won't have to live in a college apart- ment forever. Other students live at home and are called COMMUTERS. Commuters are often pitied because they have to get up early to drive into school, and face a drive home at the end of the day. ln all actuality commuters do not dread the drive to and from school. Their true nemesis is the parking lot: they face a daily battle called PARKING. The Early Student Gets the Space is the motto of the commuter. For 55.00 a student can purchase a parking sticker from the campus police. This, however, does not automatically guarantee the student a parking space. Left to their own devices, commuters invented the game create a space, which is also known as creative parking. The rules ofthe game are very simple. After traversing the lots for a Hlegal 6 .fi-r 'C 1 ff 3 51 . I s . -ff 'Stiff-'-'ff N.,,H,,,f

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fx 'X College, it's notjust 'lgoing to school , it's a way of life, an adventure. But make no mistake-it's not all wild times, there are plenty of maddening frustrating moments along with bouts of sheer boredom. These are all part of what some like to call continuing education. Some elements of the college experience are sharply restricted by where you live-the dorms, an apartment, or tperish the thoughti at home. Others, however, are univer- sal to all who attend tto qoute one cynical professori the temple of learning. Consider if you will the chaotic phe- nomena known as REGISTRATION. No one can escape the world of white IBM cards, pink registration cards, blocked schedules, cancelled classes, and of course the gargan- tuan waiting lines. And woe to the student who owes money to the bursar or has an overdue library book. These poor souls get a quick lesson in How to Talk Your Way Out of Anything. The good news is that registration only occurs twice a year. The bad news is that registration is followed by an equally discouraging event called BUYING BOOKS. The object of this game is to buy all the books you need while spending the least amount of money possible, and of course, avoiding the treacherous lines both inside and outside the book-store. The tricky part is doing this before the book-store runs out of the books that you need. Occasionally a student survives both registration and buying books only to find that he wants, for some reason or another, to switch classes. This is called ADDfDROP. Addj Drop can get seriously complicated because step one often requires a student to be in two places at once so that he can drop one class and add another, and of course both classes meet at the same time. lndustrious students quick- ly leam the lesson, How to Forge the Professor's Signa- ture. Step two involves finding your advisor so that he too can sign your addfdrop slip. Some students actually suc- ceed in their quest, while others leam i'l'low to Forge Your Advisor's Signature. The semi-final step in this process is making a pilgrimage to that great mecca-The Registrar's Office. Here the student is once again confronted with seemingly endless lines, which lead up to semi-automated secretaries who will stamp your addfdrop slip to make them i'Of'licial. South campus students often find the cross-river trip too disheartening and for this reason have come up with the idea of a Designated Dropper fDDJ. The DD is usually paid by those who realize he is venturing to the North. The final step of addfdrop is taking carbon copies of the addfdrop slips back to all the people whose names the student probably forged, and consequently he will probably skip this step. Once a student had completed tand forgotteni addfdrop, it comes back to haunt him. The Bursar, a diety close in rank with The Registrar, sends each student a pretty pink bill charging him 55.25 for each of the pretty blue slips he gave to the semi-automated secretaries. Sooner or later the student plows his way through the prelilminaries and actually GOES TO CLASS. Going to class tdo not pass go, do not collect 5200.007 is a great past time of college students everywhere. lt can be played two ways depending on the status of the course. lf a course is re- quired, the number of students enrolled in the lecture out- number the number of seats in the lecture hall two to one. lfa class is an upper level elective, the amount of seats will outnumber the students three to one. ln the fonner of the two, a professor's creativity is challenged. He must think of new and exciting ways to scare off, or flunk out two thirds of the class. Fortunately for unfortunatelyi this practice is generally restricted to freshman engineering and physical therapy classes. ln the latter of the two, a student's creativ- ity is challenged, he must discover ingenious ways to con- vince the professor he is attending classes, even if he is not. This brings us to another great past-time of college stu- dents known as SKIPPING CLASS. There are no mles for skipping class: it can be done anytime, for any reason, and as often as preferred. A student is expected, however, to pay the consequences if he still has not leamed How to Talk Your Way Out of Anything. Skipping class is not so much of an art form as are the reasons for doing it. 'ill was sick, my grandmother for some other relativei died, my car wouldn't start, and ul overslept are examples of com- 5 l

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