University of Maryland School of Pharmacy - Terra Mariae Yearbook (Baltimore, MD)

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Senior Class Officen: Butch Wiatrak, Vice President; Tom Goelz, President; Pam Brown, Secretary; Bill Zimmerman, Treasurer. Senior Class History 1970 The day of infamy — September 25, 1967, bv the rockets red glare, and Lam ' s black hair, the first assault waves hit the shores of Dunning 1 lall, later to be known as the sur i ()rs ol the Class of 1970. Forward we advanced along the halls to the rendezvous with Big Ben. It ' s a nightmare! ! ! ! ! After a thorough briefing bv Big Ben we knew the odds were stacked against us, but we marched on. Soon to come against the lield Marshal Lamy, and his two Panzv Lieutenants. After much bloocK ' compounding and triturating, and bombardment in ' Cooper Mortars we soon marched on to the second front. Here we encoun- tered the Great White Father with Poncho and Cisco. We cut our wav through fur and skin almost losinp Private Klein in the ensuing battle. After our bones were ] icked clean, the survi- vors marched on to chemical warfare. We en- countered General No Notes Miller and his faithful Indian Guide. On the laboratory front, Seam.m I lolf was repeatedK saved from dr(mn ing in the lid.il w.iters of one Monsoon Dooley. 28

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joan l- atrlcii ricia l WUuami 1970 [A Uliam. John h immerman .J aue johnion lA o 27

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Taking a calculated risk, we assaulted Fort Ben, but due to the miscalculations of Pfc. Slide Rule Rotkovitz we received many wounds in- flicted by the bullets of Big Ben. Due to bruises, contusions, and lacerations we were transferred to the field hospital under the direction of . . . uh . . . uh . . . uh . . . uh . . . uh . . . Adele Florence Nighting Gale Ballman. The rations were poor consisting mostly of groundhog and beaver, but on this enriched diet we soon gained the strength needed for a deserved rest and relaxation. While on R R, many of us frequented the notorious Club Sominex managed by Dean Credit-Debit Leavitt, where a poor GI got his first fair shake of the war. In the distance, the clouds of war were forming for the second campaign. As we prepared to move on, we had a moment of silence for comrades fallen in action: Neil Cook, Mike Cohen, James Babb, and Kenny Hatch — all lost in action at the bloody battle of P D. We marched on to the 6th floor jungles fight- ing off Yellow Fever mosquito, Treponema Pal- ladum, Shigella Shay, Histoplasma Hodge, Pseu- domonus Snvder, and Candida Krywolap. While there, Pvt. Krastel and Pvt.. Wiatrak were wounded by the gas warfare of one Wicked Willie. Before escaping these torrid jungles, fourteen were marked for life by Shigella Shay and the swamp consumed two. Reaching dry land, we were immediately ex- posed to a sneak bio-chemical attack by Kom- mandant Nicholas Never Ending Notes Zenker and his two enzyme inducers. Known for their bio-weekly saturation raids, which proved to be highlv effective. Before his honorable discharge, Pvt. S. Freeman discovered the profits of radio- active warfare. Before long we found ourselves choking in the dust left by the chalk maneuvers of Kommandant Z, our only relief being the cool waters outside Sector 403. The night was dark; it usually is. Awakening early the next morning, we found ourselves REPOSE-ing among vast dunes of microcrvstalline cellulose, or was it Cab-o-sil? It doesn ' t matter. — Pvt. John Becker. At first we thought it was only a bad dream, but reality be- came apparent when on the horizon appeared the ears of Capt. Ralph Desert Rat Shangraw, and his foreign legionnaires. For most, the advance was slow, but Corporal Conklin turned the tide of battle with an ACE on the front line. Ralph launched a swift counterattack demoralizing the troops, but we rallied to the wounded cry of Pvt. Miller — If you don ' t know it, fake it. Advances were delayed due to mercy missions necessary to save Pvts. Weiss and Gendason from floundering in the pools of glycerin and mineral oil which were indigenous to the terrain. We are sonv to report Pvt. Gendason succumbed to the stress. As darkness fell, all that could be heard across the lonely stretches was the mighty squeak of Capt. Ralph — Think small and avoid creeping. Pushing forward, advances were unexpectedly slow due to the Hit and Run attacks of the Normadic Chieftain, Amin Jurf, and his 1001 Arabian Questions, which caused numerous side effects, including competitive inhibition of the sodium pump, rises in blood pressure, excessive diuresis, and numerous discharges of fecal mate- rial which followed each skirmish. After the final skirmish, casualties were manv but only one fatality resulted. Coming to a forest of slippery elm, we were delighted at the prospect of seeing the bare- breasted virgins that accompany the guerrilla army of Col. Ralph BULLregard Blomster. The underbrush was thick and the muck was deep, but we proceeded slowly behind the able flame work of Pvt. Max Cohen. We were forced to live off the land, resorting to a Pharmacognos- ist ' s diet of Henbane, Deadly Nightshade, My Wang (or was it his). Devil ' s Dung, Raw St. John ' s Root, and Salted Peyote Button. The spice of life was some unknown tropical bush sweet- ened with lactic acid. The yellow jacket squad, Pvts. Alperstein and Caplis, was AWOL from most maneuvers; but disciplinary action was lost in the red tape stage. Crawling out of the jungle at 8:00 a.m., manv of us required competent First Aid. The senior medical advisor was not too impres- sive but he got the job done — so he thought. After he treated us we were experts on the art of restoring respiration to any dummy we came across. Furloughs came through for all, and once again we enjoyed the pleasures of Club Sominex, but inflation had increased the prices. Having suffered through two horrendous years of this abominable war, it seemed funnv that 29