University of Maryland School of Medicine - Terrae Mariae Medicus (Baltimore, MD)

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iVJluicc to tilt oung ' THE KWtCAL- ECHOX. ClA£ i OF ' IOOM Doctors’ Spare-time Activities; or, How to Fill Up Those Yawning Empty Twenty Minutes of Unscheduled Activity Every Day a. Sleep. b. Nap. c. Doze. d. Call home and see if your kids recognize your voice. e. See how many bills have fallen behind the refrigerator. Stack them neatly. Put them back be- hind the refrigerator. f. Take the car to the garage to get those bizarre noises and billow- ing black smoke fixed, only to have the mechanic say, “If this was a horse I’d shoot it and put it out of its misery.’’ g. Go to the grocery and stock up on frozen dinners. h. Call your parents. Tell them you’re still alive. 4

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Dr. Rieux resolved to compile this chronicle, so that he should not be one of those who hold their peace but should bear witness, so that some memorial might endure; and to state quite simply what we learn in a time of pestilence: that there are more things to admire in men than to despise. None the less, he knew the tale he had to tell could not be one of a final victory. It could be only the record of what had had to be done, and what assuredly would have to be done again, despite their personal afflictions, by all who, while unable to be saints but refusing to bow down to pestilences, strive their utmost to be healers. Camus

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Real Doctors Don ' t Eat Quiche What do they eat? Medical Students live on a solid diet of humble pie, fed to them day after grueling day by Residents and staff. Residents are more nutritionally sophisticated; they make sure to get the U.S. minimum daily require- ment of each of the four basic food groups: 1. Nicotine: They are careful to smoke at least three cigarettes between every surgical case. 2. Caffeine: By residency this ac- tion is a reflex. Every time they sit down, they drink a cup of cof- fee, which helps to keep them conscious (if not alert and ori- ented). 3. Carbohydrates: Residents get the required load of refined white sugar by eating a dessert with every meal — including break- fast and midnight snack — for “extra energy.” 4. Food preservatives: They eat all meals in the hospital cafeteria, where food preservatives sprin- kled with artificial coloring is the main ingredient of every dish. Real Doctors are nutritionally finicky and will eat only: 1 . Haute cuisine 2. Nouvelle Cuisine 3. Good Chinese or Thai food Real Doctors go to the hospital cafeteria only for coffee, and then rarely (the secretary usually runs out to the comer deli for it). CA«=pe H£ CAf?eoMWTe$ ftaaD You ' ve got to start sometime. Why don ' t you operate on thb one? A surgeon, an internist, and a family practitioner go duck-hunt- ing. The surgeon sees a duck, shouts, “Duck!” and shoots it down. The internist sees a duck, shouts, “Duck! Rule out quail! Rule out pheasant!” and shoots it down. The family practitioner sees a duck, and blasts it out of the sky with a round of machine-gun fire. As the tattered carcass falls to the ground, he remarks, “I don’t know what the hell it was, but I sure got it!” 5