University of Maryland School of Medicine - Terrae Mariae Medicus (Baltimore, MD)

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Men, I want you to think of this as your home jor the next sixteen weeks. 24

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The scene is the biochemistry laboratory. A traditional kidney function test is in progress. There is a general commotion as students scurry about clutching their specimen bottles. 1st Student: Please sir, the protocol calls for a specimen every 15 minutes. 2nd Student: Sir, we have to use it. The elevator has broken down and the stairs are being painted. We can ' t get to the one in the base- ment. Professor: No one is using my John without my permission and that ' s final! 2nd Student: (Stepping over 1st student who is writhing on floor in front of unimpressed lady lab instructor) But sir, someone used it a moment ago. I saw them come out. Professor: That was probably a graduate stu- dent. You have no right to question me any further and I ' ll have no more horsing around. 2nd Student: What we need is another head on the third floor. (He takes his place in line which has formed at the open elevator shaft.) Professor: (Looking up from book entitled, ' From Skatol to Nobel in one Easy Oxida- tion ' ) I ' ll have no pooling of results! Biochoiiistry Edward J. Herbst, ph.d. Professor of Biochemistry It ' s certainly easier getting it out than it was getting it in here It ' s certainly easier getting it out tlian it was getting it in here. A

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A group of students is huddled around a wooden trough in which hes an unconscious, unwashed mongrel dog. Three of the students are nearly covered with blood. A fourth, known as Master Control, is stationed at the polygraph. A fifth student is spraying lilac water on the entire odiferous scene. 1st Student: The trachea, both jugulars, the ureters, and the common bile duct are all cannulated. I also cannulated the vagus nerves before I cut them. How is the patient? Master Control: All systems go. Patient is A-OK. 2nd Student: Do you realize this is the third week in a row we ' ve done all this surgery and don ' t understand the experiment. 1st Student: You would bring that up . . . and I thought we ' d be getting out early today, ril ask the instructor. Sir, would you explain the experiment? Instructor: 1 lines 1st Student: I see .... Instructor: Because of the contraction of the gall bladder, the stimulation is both neural and hormonal and is dependent inversely on the diameter. To calculate the dead space, the dog in severe renal clearance can no According to our super synchronizing digital computer, we ' re in the wrong loh. Physiology W. D. Blake, ph.d. Professor of Physiology longer compensate for the anterior-posterior resting level of the inverse action potential. 1st Student: I see .... Master Control: I have lost communication with the patient. 2nd Student: Has the dog died? Master Control: No, I guess someone has just sprayed lilac water on my glasses. 3rd Student: Oh well, next week we start on the squid axon! think the tupajig is frenzying the dynamometer setting.