Underwood (FFG 36) - Naval Cruise Book

Page 24 text:

D D VOU EVER WONDER how one might compare a deplogmenf 'ro crvlllan life? Read on 1 When commencing this simulation remember to lock yourself inside and board up all windows with all friends and family outside communicating only with letters that your neighbors will hold for two weeks before delivering losing one out of every five Have a friend or neighbor yell MAIL CALL' at your door and in four out of five of these say You didn t get anything' when you answer 2 Surround yourself with 200 people you don t like People who chainsmoke fart loudly snore like a Mack truck on an uphill grade complain constantly seldom shower or brush their teeth and use expletives in speech much the way kids use sugar on cold cereal 3 Unplug all radios and televisions to completely cut yourself off from the outside world Have a neighbor bring you TIME or NEWSWEEK from 2 to 3 months ago and a PLAYBOY magazine with the pictures cut out 4 Cut a mattress in half lengthwise and enclose three sides Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position at all C10 inches is about rightl and place it on a platform at least six feet from the floor Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmate s laundry and sheets Whenever possible have someone take your pillow or blan- ket Cor bothl to simulate that special camarade- rie that exists only onboard a U S Naval vessel. 5 Remove all plants pictures and decorations Paint all furnishings and walls gray white or the shade of green found on hospital O R smocks 6 Since you have no doctor stock up on bandaids aspirin and Actifed which have been proven to cure every known disease and ailment known to man 7 Do not flush the torletfsb for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using the same commode After that flush once daily and pour a quart of pine oil in each commode and toilet to overwhelm the odor. Shower water should be all hot or all cold. U U l U C . . u 7 9 . . , 1 ' 3 - - cc as ' ' ' r if ' ' , . . ' 7 ' 77 ' 7 , . . . ' 5 3 , N , , . . . 9 - n , ' , 7 7 4 . - . , . . , n , i ' 4, , , ff Q , ' 5 - f uw When you get soaped up Csoap on facej, have your neighbor shut off all water. 8. Wear only approved coveralls or proper uniforms Cno special or cutoff t-shirtsj. Even thouh nobody seems to care, twice a week clean and press one uniform in the dark 017 a broken ironing board Cor towel on the floorj and wear it for four hours. On your way to change into your coveralls, catch and rip the Sleeve of your shirt on a sharp object. Curse and yell, then, wad it up and throw it in your locker-forgotten until the next inspection or watch. 9. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep shearer. Have a friend or neighbor tell you to get a haircut at least once every other week, whether you need one or not. 10. Work 18-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care if it's day-time or night-time. ll. Listen to your favorite', cassette six times a day for two weeks then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite cassette. 12. Set your alarm clock to go off at the snooze interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate alarms of watch-standers and night crew going off at odd hour times, waking you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you're tossed from side-to-side for the remaining three hours. 13. Prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that you can grope for for use none at allj, to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and Cat as fast as humanly possible. If the food contains more than one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it. 14. Prepare yourself an emergency exit that will require you to evacuate the premises,

Page 23 text:

Not Pictured LTJ G Fielder I C1 I S WJ Jackson E T2f S W2 Fournier E T 2 Franklin I C3 f S WJ Gordon ET3 WoU I ZW? SW 'Sffgfw fl A I f I : 'F Zwfhf Uwe 'ff 73 W X f fx I ff X , wx. f , , ,M f ,W ,gnf 5 f X, X .,,i, f What's up dude? ? ? I do solemely swear .' .' ! BZ Guys ! ! .'

Page 25 text:

knowing that if you exit, the biker gang that you hired will cut off your arms and legs to simulate sharks. Study a first aid book to learn how to handle wounds and control bleeding until you can quote it verbatim. 15. Study the owneris manual for all the appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals, take one apart and put it back together again. Then, test operate it at the extremes of it's tolerances. 16. To make sure you are living in a clean and happy environment, every week, clean from top to bottom, working hard all day even if it is only a three hour job, whenever and as often as possible, repeating your efforts. Then have someone tell you that you missed some dust and the f1oor looks like crap. When com- plete, inspect your work, criticizing everything as much as possible. Never be satisfied with good effort. 17. Once a day, put in a video Cwhich you have preparedj to watch a movie that you walked out on a year ago. Then, watch an episode of 'fCharlie's Angelsi' that you didn't like the first two times you saw it making sure you pause it just at the peak of A the action, so, you can sweep the floor or listen to someone tell you A what you did today. 18. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording all vital parameters Cplugged in, light comes on when door opens, etc.J. If not in use, then, log as Usecuredf' 19. Every three weeks, to simulate liberty in a foreign port, go out directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and ask the bartender for the most expensive imported beer he carries. Drink as many of these, as fast as you can in four hours, then, hire a cab to take you home by the longest route he can find. Tip the cab driver after he charges you double, because, you were dressed funny and lock yourself back in your dwelling for another three weeks. 20. Run the blender at constant high speed to simulate the constant whine of the ship's machinery and have the biker gang you hired, bang on the roof and walls to simulate men working on other levels at all hours of the night and day. 21. Buy the loudest stereo you can. Tune it between channels on the receiver and have the biker gang you hired, bang on the roof with sledge hammers to simulate launching and recovering the helo. 22. To achieve the permanent, smelly, gray, dingy look in your clothes, have the plumber connect the washer to sewer lines and throw clothing in a dark corner for two days before drying. 23. This simulation must run for a minimum of six months to be effective. The exact date of the end of the simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can expect to get back to a semi-normal life. It is also done in hope of screwing up any plans you have made or would like to make. On the last day of the simulation, remove the boards from the windows, but, do not go outside. Have your loved ones stand across the street, waving at you, at attention for four hours and look at them to simulate duty on the day of your return. NOTE: This simulation was designed for those who would like to, but, haven't had the opportunity to enjoy an extended period of time at sea. --ANONYMOUS HAPPY SAILING!