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Page 26 text:
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VIDEO STAR NEW STYLES AUTO ACCIDENT BACK Clifford Uncle Clif'fy Daniel- sen has returned to his three-hour TV show on Tuesday nights. He brought back the ancient jokes he has been using for the last five years along with some new ones that he recently stole from other comedians. As guest stars he had the famous gorilla acrobatic team of Spotty, Mickey, and Duchess. They performed their stellar act of swinging from rafter to rafter on the ceiling while hellowing at tlte top of their lungs. The only casualty of this act was the cam- eraman who got seasick while following the swinging from raft- er to rafter to rafter. Another guest star was the fa- mous operatic star Joan Jenkins. She sang her renowned version of Frankie and Johnny. Of course Uncle Cliffy had to get into the act hy donning an Apache dress and strutting across the stage. He closed the show with his cus- tomary saying to all his little nieces and nephews. ill. FIRST WOMAN PITCHER Gloria Slugger O'Keefe be- came the first woman ever to play in the majors today when she pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers. The score was 5 to 1 in favor of the Giants when Slugger was waved in. Miss O'Keefe is a graduate of Tottenville High School and of Cortland State Teachers College. She is a qualified Health Ed. teacher and has taught for a num- ber of years at her former high school. When asked why she left the teaching profession, Miss O'Keefe replied that as it was too dangerous she decided to play baseball for the Dodgers. This team has always been her favorite and she has always rooted for it even when the going was rough fwhich was pretty oftenl. The final score of today's game is as follows: Giants 20, Dod- gers l. ill... SINGER MAKES GOOD Miss Jane Jenkins, alias Lenah Hone, has made her debut on the television show, Ray Prol Talent Show. Miss Jenkins is now on her way to success and the best of luck to her. FOR MEN Monsieur Harold Fries, the well-known designer of men's clothes, has come to New York with some new designs for this year. One of his new designs is a zebra striped suit with purple and fuchia stripes. Monsieur Fries was accompanied by his pri- vate secretary, Marion Reeves, who announced that the first showing of the new designs will be at the Waldorf Astoria on June 1. Everyone is invited to this showing of what the well-dressed man will wear in 1960. POET LAUREATE HONORED While touring through Europe, James Kirby stopped for a short time in London, England. While there King Daniel Green endowed Sir Kirby with the Poet Laureate. This great honor was bestowed upon him for his great contribu- tion to the Literary world, Love Lyrics. This Book includes all his works, even those started in his English classes while at Tot- tenville High School. DRAFT STARTED AGAIN Since it seems likely that there will be another shortage of man- power, women are to be drafted into the armed forces, was the statement released by General Dorothy Bundesen today. General Shirley Ellis, who is in charge of the Home Defense, added that the women draftees will naturally see action in the front lines. She be- lieves that after the enemy real- izes that there are women on the front lines they will take to cover and give up. McLEOD FOUND Tom Morrissey, a reporter for the Staten Island Advance, has returned from Pago Pago with the startling news that he has found Miles McLeod. All of you know that Miles is the well-known adventurer and discoverer. Last year Miles set out to learn the customs and habits of the people of Pago Pago and no news was heard of him since January. Tom undertook the job of tracking him down because of the story in- volved. Last May he found Miles in the heart of Pago Pago playing Canasta with his six wives. ON MAIN sr., TOTTENVILLE Today, Tuesday, Jan. 10, 1970, at 11:52V2, there was a lot of ex- citement on Main Street, Totten- ville. The car, driven by Miss Kay Jacobsen fa woman driver againi, ran into a telephone pole whiclt, when it fell, hit Miss Bar- bara Hayes, a by-stander, on the head. The police were right on hand, as usual. Patrolman Dick Ainsworth, came rushing up to Miss Hayes and asked what hap- pened. She replied, I was hit on the head by a toothpick. At this moment the little woman in the white suit, Miss Evelyn Green, arrived to carry her away. T.H.S. STUDENT LEVELS OCEANS It was released yesterday in the Scientific Journal of the World that after 20 years of con- centrated effort, the two oceans were made level, making it possi- ble for canals to be made easily. As soon as Mr. Carlton graduated from Tottenville High School he began his work. He worked con- stantly trying to find a way to make them level by a scientific and easy mechanical manner. He finally had to bring the extra water by bucketfuls from the higher ocean to the other one. Mr. Carlton probably will receive the Nobel Prize award for his great contribution to the progress of the world. Thus, renowned American en- gineer Robert Carlton, finally completed his life-long ambition. THE ALUMNI WINNER OF AWARD The Misses Eleanor Pellikan and Shirley Brower, co-authors of the best seller, How to Lose Friends and Hate People, were feted at the social held at the home of Miss Joan Kubera. The well-known hook critic Oliver Simonson was asked his opinion of the book. He replied politely, lt Stinksf' .ili SECRETARY GETS PROMOTION Miss Audrey Stryker, who works for the S. I. Oil Co., has been promoted to the position of private secretary. Her boss is none other than Richard Henry.
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Page 25 text:
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FAREWELL EDITION NO REFUNDS ON TH E FALSE Pneolcnons Volume XXXZ , No. 324I FLAGPOLE SITTER FOR YANKEES Dick Vroome started his ninth week as a Hag pole sitter to ex- press his feelings against the current losing streak of the New York Yankees. His only contact with the events going on is with his go-between Red Palmer. Red brings him his food, mail and baseball results every day. Dick says he is completely content on his perch although it is a little wet when it rains. He resolves to remain on the pole until the Yan- kees are in first place again. They are now in third place but they're slowly climbing to first place. NOVELIST DOES IT AGAIN Another novel has been written by Miss Nancy lhnken, entitled FOREVER ROSEMARY. The hook has been dedicated to Miss Rosemary Lombardo who has typed the complete manuscript in three hours, fourteen days. TRIP TO UNKNOWN PLANET SCHEDULED Miss Ann Hemming and Miss Eleanor Wegener are soliciting persons interested in explor- ing the unknown. They plan to discover an unknown planet be- tween earth and Venus. Its where- abouts they cannot yet determine, due to the inefficiency of their materials valued at over two bil- lion dollars. Two of their co-workers, Misses Ellen Muoio and Dorothy Tanner, have been making startling dis- coveries about the Milky-Way. One evening when they were star- gazing they discovered that the milk had gone sour. Miss Marion Minarik has discovered that the stars are not all white but change color as you look at them. She has noticed after ten years now that many are blue, green and even red in color. FIRST WOMAN HOT-ROD RACER Miss Virginia Tromba, a for- mer T.H.S. student, rode Car 41 to victory in the July 4th classic. She had to out-race fifty other male contenders to capture the trophy and the 510,000 purse. Ginny narrowly missed crashing into the wall at least ten times but fortunately missed each time. When asked for a comment after the race was over, Ginny said that now she is free to start on her life-long ambition. This is to circumscribe the globe in her racing car. She will start on it to- morrow and we wish her good luck. CIRCUS CASUALTY Another terrible accident oc- curred last week in the circus. One of the great jugglers, Lois Fifi Alexander, from that great juggling team, Fifi and Mimi, was seriously injured. It seems that Daniel Green, the handy boy, mixed a hard ball in with the soft balls. This ball in some strange manner hit Fifi on the head. She is still unconscious and is fortu- nate enough to have the famed Nurse Jean O'Brien hold ice cubes on the bump. In answer to our inquiry about her present condition, Nurse O'Brien said, She's out cold. Joan Femenella, whose professional name is Mi- mi, has no comment to make at this time. MISSING PERSONS The renowned psychiatrist, Dr. Marion Keber, has now been missing for ten days down in the hills of Kentucky. Two days ago Gloria Teixuro and Betty Pol- hemus, famed aviatrixes, left New York in search of Dr. Keber. Miss Teixuro landed safely in a Kentucky air field but as yet Miss Polhemus has not been heard from. It is believed that she crashed into the top of Old Smokey. All these reports are un- comfirmed. SEARCH FOR LOST EXPLORER Michael Danielson, the second Frank Buck, has been lost for over three months in the dense jungles of South Africa. A searching party composed of sev- eral of Mr. D.'s friends was or- ganized by Robert Biller. The party has started to look for Mike in the Sahara Desert. Mr. B. said, Well, you know Mike! He's liable to turn up any place. - ENGAGEMENT ' ANNOUNCED Miss Phyllis Davidson has an- nounced her betrothal and forth- coming marriage to Howard Herbert. The couple have been going steady for over ten years now and have finally decided that they were made for each other. CELEBRITIES MINGLE IN FORM- ALLY Sir David Waltz Cof the fChis- holm Waltz'sJ entertained many of the celebrated aristocrats of New York at his Long Acre Es- tate. Among them was the noted Miss Belle Seguine. While there she was wined and dined fat her preference.l Also seen there was Robert Washington, the well-known au- thor and playwright. Playboy Stephen Timari was glimpsed Hitting in and out with a luscious brownette on his arm. Later it was disclosed that this brownette was none other than M.G.M. Star Miss Betty Ross. MODEL CELEBRATES ANNIVERSARY Miss Kay Birmingham, the fa- mous model from the Leta Diehl Modeling Studio, has just cele- brated her first anniversary as a model. Miss Birmingham plans on working for another year be- fore celebrating her second anni- versary.
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