Temple University School of Podiatric Medicine - Achilles Yearbook (Philadelphia, PA)

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 Well, Champ, I'm afraid it is. You see we have to return to our network stations briefly for a new game show. EXTERN. EXTERN — READ ALL ABOUT IT! DEPT. This was an embarrassing game show that even Chuck Barris turned down, The Extern Lottery. (Applause, applause) And now. your host and Master of Ceremonies, Art Fleming. (Applause, applause) Thank you, audience. As you know the Extern Lottery is a game where the ability to concentrate pays off. And the student who receives all of his or her first-choice programs wins the grand prize — seven million dollars!!! (Applause, applause) And as you all know, contestants, this has never been done. So here we go folks, let's play the Extern Lottery. (Applause, applause) . . . I’ll take Northlake for fifty. Art .... YOUR HIT PARADE DEPT. Here you'll find enough diversion to keep this prose minorly interesting. Okay, now EVERYBODY! GOIN’ WITH IT (to the tune of Ballin' the Jack ) First you take your test pad And hold it tight Skive it to the left And bevel to the right Add some Naugahyde so they look real nice Then pour yourself some Bourbon (Throw away the ice!) Stick ’em in the wrong shoes And then you say “Listen, little lady These don't work anyway And then you charge 'em so much That they go throw a fit And that's what I call Goin' with it If the patient then says, My feets still ache Look ’em in the eye And proceed to make A Molocovered insole (affix it with glue) And you'll find that Dr. Hymes Will be proud of you. If you crave some more dough Then use (J.M.O.'s Make sure you squirt some Voltex On the patient's clothes And if your patient says. You're a dumb little twit You just say, Look. I'm goin' with it Cavus pads and heel pads. They make good sense Specially if you owe a few Car payments. And the patients love 'em Cause they look real fine. (These dummies think they work It’s matter over mind!) Use these little tips And watch your practice grow If someone asks you who said so Just say I don't know! If you take my advice In a Rolls Royce you’ll sit ’Cause you were always Goin’ with it! WONT YOU COME HOME BILL BOWMAN (to the tune of Bill Bailey ) Won't you come home Bill Bowman? Won’t you come home? Things here are too damn right! Remember that air conditioner You set on High On that cold winter night? And all those lights were working It’s not the same (Like a beer that has lost its foam)

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 I strongly doubt it, Champ. But perhaps ... wait a minute folks ... a bulletin has just been handed to me ... It explains why they are smiling ... According to this bulletin, the class has just been informed that they can begin Round Three! • BONG • ... Ahhhh . .. The year before THE year. We’ll take it easy, won’t we? No problems, no hassles, right? We’ll all be able to concentrate on clinical learning, and, in our spare time, residency paranoia, right? After all — no more grades — who can worry with pass fail? It will be a very good year, right? Wrong, Neurology breath! This was a mathematical year; many plusses, plenty of minuses, lots of division, and binomial multiplication (read — double crosses). Amazingly, there was no equal in this equation year. The fractions were simple. You begin the year as half a doctor, and end it as three-quarters a doctor. The year’s courses demonstrated an example of reverse alchemy. Gold was turned to lead. The throwaways became major, and the Majors became Captains. Surgery was ... well, Surgery. 'Nuff said. PVD, Internal Medicine, Traumatology, and, despite the course logistics. General Orthopedics, were all B.T. courses (’Bout Time). Dermatology was a big little course taught by a funny little man who never ever removed his hat or his pipe. What was in his pipe? Comparing his lecture notes with his exams left little doubt. Speaking of pipes, we all sat in amazement watching a funny basketball player teaching us Anesthesiology. And, because our necks were cranked back so we could see this instructor — we never did find out who taught Community Health. Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, and Statistical Epidemiology ... And then, there was Neurology ... Psychiatry was a crazy (get it) mix of ballet and insecurity. Orthotics and Prosthetics was just crazy (I can see it now: Mrs. Jones, your case of Ewings can be easily treated with a SCRTC slash-two, three, four, and a prescription for MOLO, T.I.D. ) .... And then there was Neurology .... God did not rest on the eighth day as we all have been told. After He created the earth and the planets and the stars, put creatures on the earth to graze in His meadows and drink His water, created the beautiful mountains and canyons and all the lovely flora ... He created Newmans. Thousands of Newmans. Billions of Newmans. Droves of Newmans. The Bible should have read The Newmans shall inherit the earth. And all of them either taught at PCPM or were talked about by those who taught at PCPM ... And then, there was Neurology ... Podopediatrics was taught by a brash, young instuctor, who moved up and down the classroom aisles like Monty Hall. Would YOU make a deal for one of these three doors knowing that behind one of them is Blount's disease? The course was an interesting two hours crammed into one. And none of us got zonked . ... But then, there was Neurology ... Mister Rogers managed, somehow, to leave the neighborhood once a week to teach us Sports Medicine. Can you say. Basket weave Gibney dressing? Sure you can. I knew you could. A nice man. A nice course . . But, then there was Neurology. The Vietcong missed out. They overlooked the nastiest of all tortures. It was Russian Roulette with 22 bullets — eleven of which were real. But, somehow, our stalwart determination and prowess of denial got us through the mess. The postscript read: Hooray — the hostages have been freed! • BONG • All I can say about that round, Ali, is ‘Whew!’ I wish it were all you could say, Howard.”

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Please say it’s a lark I liked working in the dark! Bill Bowman woncha please come home! Won't you come home Bill Bowman? Won't you come home? Your stunts were kinda neat. It’s now the middle of summer It's ninety degrees You'd best turn on the heat. The coffee machine is working It’s really sad. There's no rust on any chrome. Say you'll come back up I liked coffee with no cup! And now, a real song written by Irving Berlin in 1924 feelings during the Summer of 1980. Bill Bowman woncha please come home. Oh please come back Bill Bowman! Won’t you come home? The cjocks are all set right Remember that rainy evening You said Don't fret This building's sealed tight! That's when the leaking started And we called you up -You fell asleep on the phone! Come back for Goodness sake I liked working in a lake! Bill Bowman woncha please come home r his Music Box Revue. Incredibly, it captures our LAZY — Irving Berlin (1924) Lazy, I wanna be lazy, I wanna be Out in the sun With no work to fce done. Under the awning they call the sky Stretchin’ and yawnin' I'll let the world go drifting by. I wanna peep through the deep Tangled wild wood Counting sheep 'till I sleep Like a child would. With a great big valise — full Of books to read Where it's peaceful While I'm killing time Bein' lazy. CLASS STRUGGLE DEPT. IV ROUND FOUR This is Howard Cosell once again with my analyst, Muhammad Ali, ready for the big Final round. I see you got your toupee groomed during the break, Howard. Yes, Ali. Several PCPM faculty members told me where to go. I’ll tell you where to go, Cosell. Tell me, Champ, what do you expect to see in the final round of this nip and tuck brawl?” A lot of nipping and tucking.