Temple University School of Podiatric Medicine - Achilles Yearbook (Philadelphia, PA)

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 I strongly doubt it, Champ. But perhaps ... wait a minute folks ... a bulletin has just been handed to me ... It explains why they are smiling ... According to this bulletin, the class has just been informed that they can begin Round Three! • BONG • ... Ahhhh . .. The year before THE year. We’ll take it easy, won’t we? No problems, no hassles, right? We’ll all be able to concentrate on clinical learning, and, in our spare time, residency paranoia, right? After all — no more grades — who can worry with pass fail? It will be a very good year, right? Wrong, Neurology breath! This was a mathematical year; many plusses, plenty of minuses, lots of division, and binomial multiplication (read — double crosses). Amazingly, there was no equal in this equation year. The fractions were simple. You begin the year as half a doctor, and end it as three-quarters a doctor. The year’s courses demonstrated an example of reverse alchemy. Gold was turned to lead. The throwaways became major, and the Majors became Captains. Surgery was ... well, Surgery. 'Nuff said. PVD, Internal Medicine, Traumatology, and, despite the course logistics. General Orthopedics, were all B.T. courses (’Bout Time). Dermatology was a big little course taught by a funny little man who never ever removed his hat or his pipe. What was in his pipe? Comparing his lecture notes with his exams left little doubt. Speaking of pipes, we all sat in amazement watching a funny basketball player teaching us Anesthesiology. And, because our necks were cranked back so we could see this instructor — we never did find out who taught Community Health. Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, and Statistical Epidemiology ... And then, there was Neurology ... Psychiatry was a crazy (get it) mix of ballet and insecurity. Orthotics and Prosthetics was just crazy (I can see it now: Mrs. Jones, your case of Ewings can be easily treated with a SCRTC slash-two, three, four, and a prescription for MOLO, T.I.D. ) .... And then there was Neurology .... God did not rest on the eighth day as we all have been told. After He created the earth and the planets and the stars, put creatures on the earth to graze in His meadows and drink His water, created the beautiful mountains and canyons and all the lovely flora ... He created Newmans. Thousands of Newmans. Billions of Newmans. Droves of Newmans. The Bible should have read The Newmans shall inherit the earth. And all of them either taught at PCPM or were talked about by those who taught at PCPM ... And then, there was Neurology ... Podopediatrics was taught by a brash, young instuctor, who moved up and down the classroom aisles like Monty Hall. Would YOU make a deal for one of these three doors knowing that behind one of them is Blount's disease? The course was an interesting two hours crammed into one. And none of us got zonked . ... But then, there was Neurology ... Mister Rogers managed, somehow, to leave the neighborhood once a week to teach us Sports Medicine. Can you say. Basket weave Gibney dressing? Sure you can. I knew you could. A nice man. A nice course . . But, then there was Neurology. The Vietcong missed out. They overlooked the nastiest of all tortures. It was Russian Roulette with 22 bullets — eleven of which were real. But, somehow, our stalwart determination and prowess of denial got us through the mess. The postscript read: Hooray — the hostages have been freed! • BONG • All I can say about that round, Ali, is ‘Whew!’ I wish it were all you could say, Howard.”

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students win money by debriding neuropathic feet while blindfolded. THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DIS-KNEE- The premiere show presents the classic Film. -The Mark of Sore-O . Buster Kwell Crabbe stars as a podiatry student with a short fuse and dull blades who gets a kick out of challenging his patients to duels with Hyphercators at twenty paces. 60 MINUTES- Weekly news program about students waiting for clinicians' signatures. HUSK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY- Science-fiction series about an astronaut, who in 1985 takes a tour of a Maxim factory, slips and tumbles into a processor where he is Freeze-dried. Five hundred years later, he is revived and finds himself on a planet of ointment worshippers where he becomes king. STEDMAN TURNS IN HIS GRAVE DEPT. Despite the fact that we heard the word “Surgerize every other hour, be it known - there is no such word. Keeping in this saphenous vein, here are some more words that are commonly misconstrued. ANATOMY- Surgical procedure for the removal of gnats. KENELOG- A diary kept in a dog hospital. GOAT- Gout in Canada. P.V.D.- A communicable disease of small, green, round vegetables HELOMA- How you greet your mother on the telephone BREAD- What the Japanese patient did when he was debrided. PODIATRY- A shrub from which you pick podias. NOTES TO YOU DEPT. ... MEMO TO DR. V. MANDRACCHIA .. . You continuously mentioned how you wanted to be remembered in our yearbook as the man who could not pronounce MOLYBDENUM . You always said, I can see it now. 'Mandracchia can't say Molybdenum. Mandracchia can’t say Molybdenum.' Well, sorry Dr. M., we will not stoop to that level of suggestion by mentioning even once that you cannot pronounce Molybdenum. CLASS STRUGGLE DEPT. Ill ROUND THREE Welcome back to the arena, folks, for the third round of this marvelously dramatic altercation. We would like to keep you informed, up close and personal if you will, of what happened just after the bell ending the second round. In an episode of incredible mettle, the faculty simultaneously exchanged their trunks. Then suddenly, some left the stadium to move on to different rings and new battlegrounds, and others just retired to the corner and wandered about aimlessly. I don't know, Howard. It didn’t look too aimless to me.” Did I ask for your opinion, Ali? Anyway, fans, follwing the bell ending the second round, the class made a sudden dash to a huge, sprawling Ivy League university where they were locked up in rooms either cold enough to store meat or hot enough to broil it. We're not too sure about what followed folks, but our sources tell us that the class was interrogated until they confessed all basic medical science knowledge. We do not know if they were tortured at all — but we do believe so from the look on their faces as they left the rooms. Look Howard, the class is reentering the stadium. Right you are. Champ. And every single one of them is smiling. Maybe they all just had sex.

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 Well, Champ, I'm afraid it is. You see we have to return to our network stations briefly for a new game show. EXTERN. EXTERN — READ ALL ABOUT IT! DEPT. This was an embarrassing game show that even Chuck Barris turned down, The Extern Lottery. (Applause, applause) And now. your host and Master of Ceremonies, Art Fleming. (Applause, applause) Thank you, audience. As you know the Extern Lottery is a game where the ability to concentrate pays off. And the student who receives all of his or her first-choice programs wins the grand prize — seven million dollars!!! (Applause, applause) And as you all know, contestants, this has never been done. So here we go folks, let's play the Extern Lottery. (Applause, applause) . . . I’ll take Northlake for fifty. Art .... YOUR HIT PARADE DEPT. Here you'll find enough diversion to keep this prose minorly interesting. Okay, now EVERYBODY! GOIN’ WITH IT (to the tune of Ballin' the Jack ) First you take your test pad And hold it tight Skive it to the left And bevel to the right Add some Naugahyde so they look real nice Then pour yourself some Bourbon (Throw away the ice!) Stick ’em in the wrong shoes And then you say “Listen, little lady These don't work anyway And then you charge 'em so much That they go throw a fit And that's what I call Goin' with it If the patient then says, My feets still ache Look ’em in the eye And proceed to make A Molocovered insole (affix it with glue) And you'll find that Dr. Hymes Will be proud of you. If you crave some more dough Then use (J.M.O.'s Make sure you squirt some Voltex On the patient's clothes And if your patient says. You're a dumb little twit You just say, Look. I'm goin' with it Cavus pads and heel pads. They make good sense Specially if you owe a few Car payments. And the patients love 'em Cause they look real fine. (These dummies think they work It’s matter over mind!) Use these little tips And watch your practice grow If someone asks you who said so Just say I don't know! If you take my advice In a Rolls Royce you’ll sit ’Cause you were always Goin’ with it! WONT YOU COME HOME BILL BOWMAN (to the tune of Bill Bailey ) Won't you come home Bill Bowman? Won’t you come home? Things here are too damn right! Remember that air conditioner You set on High On that cold winter night? And all those lights were working It’s not the same (Like a beer that has lost its foam)