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Page 12 text:
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PRE -MED AT TROY COLLEGE So Alkinoos arose, and addressing his guests, said: Distinguished Lords and ladies of the Phaiacian people, we are gathered to celebrate the graduation of a stranger accomplished in all the fields revered and practiced by civilized people such as we. He has shown us his power against our best men in boxing and wrestling. Far has he hurled the arcing discus, steady his hand with the shining scalpel: cunning and street wise is he in eliciting the essential history; deep reaching, a sorcerer, in plying the wondrous medications against all manner of disease; and. above all skill, his great spirit glows to soothe the wounded spirit of the sick, and make them love him as a healer. Here we shall eat of the sweet meat, drink the deep wine as is fit at the celebration of Graduation; and our honored guest will tell the tale of how he came to this place and time. Then we will give him conveyance to Ithaka, his home, as is the wont of Phaiacians, who give aid unquestioned to any traveler. Our sleek vessels cross the waters without helmsmen or navigator, knowing the wills and purpose of their journey, as if hy divine inspiration. So spake Alkinoos, and resourceful Odysseus arose, saying So shall it be, and I shall tell you the story without omission, starting at the beginning. Eight years past did I first set eyes upon the college called Troy with my ten ships of Ithakan men all raised from their mother's laps to speed and strength. There did we meet the parties from Mykeno; the troops of fair haired Menelaos; all the numbers of the hard-greaved Achaians come to fight for Helen, whose skin is golden, like a wheat field in the prairie, and in whom reside learning, truth, the opportunity for goodly advancement, and above all, the chance of getting to Med School. Hot were we in spirit, ready for easy victory. None prepared for years of bitter struggle, wrenching loss of dear friends whose lifeblood stained the hanging dust. Inconclusive was our battle, in the balance back and forth, our armies evenly matched. Sometimes with easy A's did we prevail in Biologos, Psychologos I and II, Art History and Frisbee 101, but then in bitter onslaught, back to the walls of our beached vessels did the Trojans oppress us. stopping the mouths of beloved companions with heavy death by Physical Kemistry, Organic Kemistry. ugly Fysiks, while all around by infinitesimal decrements were our men wasted by that C-grade-giving slayer Differential Kalkulus. Until finally, after three years in the bitter struggle and a 3.0 average, in close counsel with the leaders of all the Greeks, did I, Odysseus, propose this strategem. No more in open onslaught would we contend with the shining armored Trojans. Rather, a hollow horse would we prepare, finely wrought with gold burnished flanks, amethyst bedecked, and with six legs. Set out was the hollow horse with diverse distractions. Interests did we espouse in Islam, The Applicant' 8
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Page 13 text:
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1) Toupee: To cover receding hairline squired through repeated applications over several years. 2) Neatly-Knotted Tie indicates superior manual dexterity. Portends well for surgical career. 3) Soft, Sensitive, Well- Manicured Hands: points to obsession with cleanliness, sterility, and vigorous palpation. 4) Reading Glosses: necessary from years of reading small print of MCAT preparatory course material. 5) Sincere, Compassionate Smile: means that '.are for others, especially those who sit on admissions committee, is top priority. 6) Letter of Recommendation: from the ongressmar. who his butcher's babysitter's uncle the Chiropractor met at a party once. 7) New Suit: first one bought since Bar Mit vah. 8) Sensible Shoes, indicates disinterest with things fashionable modern, or materialistic and readiness to sacrifice one’s life for the care of the infirm, so help him God. 9) Wedding Ring: signifies stability, loyalty, and, above all a source of income for loan repayment (Marriage will dissolve just prior to Pathology boards. Wife will sue for loss of potential income, and win). 10) Ivy League Insignia: to impress unwary interviewer who just may overlook the predominance of Arts and Crafts” and Phys. Ed. courses on the transcript from Onondaga State Penal Colony. (Tie borrowed from cousin Irv, the Orthodontist). 11) Empty Pockets: needed to qualify for appropr ,ite financial aid. 12) New England Journal: next week’s copy, in ase he should desire meaningful conversation with TUH Medical Housestaff. 13) Wallet: Contents a) Picture of Mom bl Picture of the President c) Picture of the Pope (just in case) d) Picture of Mom with President and the Pope e) Bov Scout Membership Card f) Elan Membership Card g) Red Cross Certificate for donation of 1.658 pints of blood h) Prescription for FeS04 325 mg TID i) Registration for the 280Z he gets when he gets in 14) Can of Mace: given by Mom just for TUMS interview. Chinese pottery, glistening tales we fabricated of backgrounds in ghettos and chicken coops, far flung adventures in clinics (not Bordellos) in Mexico, Kibbutzim, auto mechanic workshops. theatre productions, sponsored wine drinking contests ( Thus the 2.1 average in the Sophomore year”) for the March of Dimes, research projects; and with many other glittering paraphernalia was the horse furnished, hoping that its appearance would so befuddle the admissions committees that they would grant us interviews, and we would finally come through the gates of the citadel to sack it from within. For long days did the Trojans debate over our horse, as we lay breathless within. Some said that it should be burned as an offering to the gods in gratitude for victory since the rest of the tall ships (or so they thought) had sailed off. Some thought that such a tawdry tinselled artifact should be pushed over the cliff since the stench of its smoke might offend the nostrils of the gods. But by close margin, after long discussion, they decided thus, that they would bring the horse into the city at least temporarily, to study it more closely. But one night was all we needed. As soon as the interview was scheduled we sallied forth from the hollow beast, opening the gates to all our friends who had returned. Fast work did we make of the city appearing first in rented suits, then, newly shaven with barbered locks, always with a glistening smile on our lips we feigned interest in whether embryology followed physiology. advocating grades, advocating no grades, and yes. Harvard and Stanford interviews went well but given the chance I would prefer to come here over God's own medical academy . And soon did I and my companions receive note from the Temple school inviting us to attend, and I did accept three times by mail and four times by telephono, each time my application being misplaced by the Hydra-like bureaucracy that rules in that place. And indeed my friends and I did think we were at last in clover - foolish mind that sees the end. but not the way to it — that we were all but home in Ithaka already. And extravagantly did we plunder the riches of Troy, it being our senior year. Daylong on the ski slopes and at softball practice; by night catching movies and drinking the cool beer in the world-famed bars of that town; cavorting with the deep-loined people of that place and filling to the decks our hollow vessels with the spoils of victory for our return to Ithaka. So we set sail with a fresh breeze following expecting very soon to set eyes on our families again.
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