Temple University School of Law - Restatement Yearbook (Philadelphia, PA)

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The Commonwealth capped the climax by placing on the stand their “star” witness, FRANCIS CHAPMAN, Esq., Dean of the Law School since 1902. The Dean qualified as an expert witness, incidentally informing the Court and Jury that during his career at the bar of over 35 years, he had never yet lost a case, oh, yes. except one and in that case the judge didn’t know but that would be contempt of court. When counsel for the accused asked the Dean whether the defendants did or did not acquire any knowledge of the Rules of Stephen, the Dean’s shoulders characteristically heaved with subterranean merriment. In response to questions of counsel regarding his Evidence Examinations, the Dean replied that he considered them so easy, and the answers so obvious, that he could hardly be warranted in using them as a gauge of the students’ intellectual development. Asked for specimen question, the Dean presented the court, jury and assembled Fungozos with the following choice selections: Tresspass by Sancho Panza (the great Hungarian Rhapsody) versus Sir Geoffrey de Bouillon in the United States Small Cause Court for the Eastern District of Mesopotamia, Southern Division. Sancho Panza had the rights of piscary in the Dead Sea. Desiring to export salmon to Alaska, the said Panza applied to Sir Geoffrey De Bouillon, a corporal of the Afghanistanian Trench Aviation, for a ship’s manifest so that the freight train with said fish aboard, could immediately clear the town, as those of the populace remaining unsuffocated had risen in rebellion. Mr. De Bouillon, who was nattily attired in the fatigue uniform of the I. W. W , was about to grant the manifest, when he was offended by one of Mr. Panza’s pet fish barking at him. Dr. De Bouillon manifested his displeasure by refusing to grant the manifest. As a result, the enraged fish lost its voice, and Panza brings this action. On trial of the cause, the defendant attempted to prove that he was acting in self-defense, and offered in evidence his ruined uniform. The court overruled the offer and non-suited the plaintiff. The defendant, his compassion aroused, appealed, (a) Why shall the court rule and how come? (b) As part of your answer, give a three-word exposition of the Pennsylvania Rule as to Parol Contemporaneous Evidence, (c) What in the world has this to do with the Evidence, anyhow? The Dean additionally mentioned that he had also instructed the defendants regarding Habeas Corpus, Corpus Juris, etc. “Ethical Teachings of the Runners,” “Ways of Not Obtaining Legal Business,” “Methods of Starva-,S tion,” “What Every Young Lawyer Should Know,” etc., are a few titles of lectures also delivered bv the Dean.

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of the defendants (another bad break for them). The witness, finding no resting place for his elbow which supported the cup of his hand wherein reposed his chin, called for a table or rostrom. With this supplied, the witness was enabled to continue. MR. COMBER, impelled by the force of habit, commenced to quiz the jury on the Law of Divorce in Pennsylvania, by Bossard. He quickly checked himself, however, and went on with his testimony, which was to the effect that he had lectured to the defendants on the subjects of Domestic Relations and by what methods a husband can dispense with supporting his wife. He discussed such questions as Cruel and Barbarous Treatment, confirming the view of one of the defendants, MR. CURRAN, the gentleman from Delaware County, that one coat alone would constitute cruel treatment, as for example one blow of a hatchet. On the whole, his testimony certainly did not greatly aid the cause of the defendants. WALTER H. CHAPMAN, Esq., My Nephew,” after obtaining from His Honor a cough-drop for his throat trouble,” swung one leg over the balustrade surrounding the witness box, thereby displaying a combination cubist-futurist design of pastel shades. He proceeded to testify that he had once given the defendants a lecture on Pennsylvania Practice, including the subject of Replevin. He could not identify any of the prisoners, saying that he had not seen them frequently enough. MR. CHAPMAN explained that while he had intended to testify at greater length, his doctor had ordered him not to speak longer than one hour, so, burying himself in a huge fur coat, he resumed his seat. A number of the defendants, numbering among them MISS GA- ZELLE,” “MY LORD,” DADDY D1NAL” ROSE, “ORTHOPIIONIC’ LONG-LEGS,” KRAMER, CAR-WORTH. SWEET” SALTER, et al, moved for a severance with regard to at least part of the crime. In support of this motion, depositions of one EDWIN SCOVEL, F2sq., and ALBERT E. BURLING, Esq., were produced. The substance of the testimony of these gentlemen is that they instructed the above-enumerated conspirators in New Jersey practice and procedure in the following courts: Small Cause, District, Orphan’s Law and Chancery. Were we otherwise “moved” by this motion, the fact that both the above gentlemen are not only New Jersey lawyers, but also are graduates of Temple University Law School, would render any tears we would shed of the crocodile variety (a crocodile being a large, thick-skinned reptile which weeps as it devours its prey and which bears a striking resemblance to many of the defendants).

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And now, it seems this desperate group of individuals played their most daring card. They attempted to hoodwink the faculty into believing that they had not studied law by partaking of various extra-curricula activities that are inimical to concentrated study. Accordingly, they chose as their leader for this purpose, JOHN J. COLLMER, a man endowed with a reappearing moustache. Then, in order to give the impression that a gay old time was being had, they did nominate, elect and constitute, MARIE ROSE MAGEE, Assistant City Solicitor extraordinary, as Vice-President. HARRY ROSEN-BLUM, the “note” worthy chronicler of the pedagogical pronunciamcntos, was ordained as Secretary, and GEORGE PHILLIPS, the famous mimic, as Treasurer. It was decided to give a big banquet at which all the faculty were to he entertained, and that then and there they were to put said faculty in such good humor that it would be impossible for faculty to do other than believe in their complete innocence. MR. SPOFFORI) was chosen as Head Banqueteer, and a capable staff assisted him. The conspirators also decided that they would issue a hook containing the full pedigree and life’s story of each and every conspirator, their famed deeds and achievements, and containing their photographs (we hesitate to say likenesses”), which book was to be used as evidence in disproving any case against them. The famed “Archbishop” WmmSmme2 LEON “Happy” “Handshaker” ROSE, yclept “Rab-bey” was designated as Chief Compiler, and “SAM” WORTH, moving picture magnate, he chose as his Business Manager. Their desire to publish a printed record was prompted by a realization of the fact that this would probably constitute the only publicity the subscribers would ever attain and their yearning for some sight of their names and achievements in print took this form. Some of the defendants’ own evidence is rare and damaging. For instance, MR. BENJAMIN BELLET, esteemed Thespian, on the stand replied under cross-examination as follows: Q. What is marriage? A. Mv dear Sir, marriage is an ethereal contract of two heavenly souls, we might say. Q. What do you know about marriage? A. Virtually nothing, we might say. Q. If A is married to B, and A should slap B, would she be justified in leaving A? A. Well, that all depends—if B was of such a vicious temper-ment as to justify Mr. A’s tapping her in the countenance of a nature