St Johnsbury Academy - Lamp Yearbook (St Johnsbury, VT)

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THE ACADEMY STUDENT in his vehicle that 1 first raced at breakneck speeds toward destinations unknown; funny thing, though, 1 always ended up in Lyndonville!”—unquote. Our international flying correspondents, Dick Miller, dashing young photographer, and his famous wife. Elaine Mooney, who has astounded the world with her sensational news stories, has brought back an amazing account of the work of Betty McClure, R. X. and Arlene Holbrook, renowned dietician. They are revolutionizing the Eskimo eating habits with their introduction of Eskimo Pies. Nurse McClure hands out pink pills to pale patients, these being manufactured by the Pink Pill Tycoon, Charles Boivin, who has made a fortune in far-off Eskimo land since he discovered the secret formula for these powerful pills. David LaMarre, Ambassador to England, has been awarded the Fleers Double Bubble Gum Award” by Albert Bubbles” St. Laurent, President of the International Bubble Gum Association, for distinguished service to the Bubble Gum Industry. President St. Laurent is proud to announce to the nation that he now has a bubble gum that is guaranteed never to leave a filling in your mouth. Mr. LaMarre's only comment was “Pop”! Miss Paula Leonard, voted best secretary of 1969, is now in the hospital with a severe case of writers cramp. When asked the cause of this distressing malady, she told the reporters that she had just completed transcribing the memoirs of Jean Learmouth, famous author. The title of the book is to be Men 1 Have Known.” Mesdames Currier, Lumbra. Mann and Bates have just announced the gala opening of their ultra swank exclusive Maison de Mode. Mine. Currier is in charge of clothes that fit the personality, Mine. Lumbra will give you a new face, while you wait. Mile. Bates is in charge of the “Reducing to Music” department. The beauteous Mine. Mann serves as hostess and model for the establishment. James Blanc is in the brig for attempting to introduce progressive jazz into the U. S. Navy Band’s rendition of Anchors Aweigh”. This occurred at a review in honor of Rear Admiral Bernard Rancour. Miss Sally Mc-Cutcheon, America's favorite drum majorette, lost control of her baton when this unseemly event took place. Her only comment was “What Happened”? Marguerite Collins and Elsie McKee are running for governor and Lt. Governor of the State of Vermont on the Woman’s Anti-Saloon Ticket. Their slogan is “Water internally, externally, and eternally”. Gerald Willey, their campaign manager, says they will have a good chance to succeed if Burton Petrie, local soda jerker. will agree to forfeit his rights to make Atomic Zombies” the night before the election. Pauline Morrison, noted woman advertising agent, has recently announced the hiring of Glendon Moffett and Gordon Page, famous male models. Mr. Page will be seen as the scrawny 98 pound weakling and Glen as a satisfied muscle-bound patron of Atlas, Inc. Marnel Harran is in charge of the complaint department. Miss Lillian Nutter’s perceptive abilities won her the 1969 screaming man contest. The chief prize was a perpetual pass to the Los Angeles Fire Department where she can hear the siren blow any time she wants to. The screaming man was non-other than that well known forty-niner. Robert Dumas. For his work he was awarded a box of Greenwood s Gastronomical Cough Drops. The proceeds went to bail out the class of '49 from its financial difficulties. Says Dumas— It was a worthy cause.’

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CLASS PROPHECY JUNE 1949 Introduction—We are deeply indebted to the United Federation of World Scientists for lending us their newest, extraordinary, stupendous, collossal invention, The Radar Futur-scope”. This amazing invention enables us to peer into the mysterious future to perceive the brilliant achievements of the illustrious class of ’49. When Miss Caroline Bailey, famous child psychiatrist, was asked recently to what she owes her tremendous success, she answered simply, “My success lies in the fact that I was once a child myself”. Peg Bosworth known to her exclusive clientele as “Pegine” has just announced the opening of her million dollar fashion salon, featuring her new creation. This beautiful serene blond from Peru has revolutionized the fashion world with her fringed jeans that can be converted into glamorous evenings gowns by the simple process of draping forty yards of gold lame material around the wearer, not forgetting, of course, to let the fringe show. Bob Sargent, head of the advertising firm with the famous slogan, “It you want advertising with a zest, come to Sargent’s and we’ll give you our best”, is slowly driving his competitors to ruin with his new and now famous “advertising-less-advertising”. His competitors say he is unfair, but the general public loves him. Mr. Sargent says his next step will be to start “commercial-less commercials” on the radio. Mary Hart, famous linguist, has recently returned from Egypt where she deciphered some private letters of King Tutti-Fruitti III, whose tomb was opened last May in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and sixty-nine. One of the first letters Miss Hart translated had to do with subscriptions. The letter was a request from a certain individual named Elwin Twombly to buy advertising space in a publication called “The Commencement Issue of the Academy Student”. It seems this Mr. Twombly needed some money to get this publication printed. Lorna Stone, famous tennis star of Garden City, L. I., has recently completed her world tournament. Miss Stone has managed to walk away with every tennis honor known. All sports writers agree that her fast, accurate serve and technique of making her opponents run all over the court, rendering them breathless, is the secret of her fabulous success. Bette Wheelock, wife of a chain-store king, has recently invested a small fortune in an independent newspaper in which she plans to tell the world about the private lives of private people. Keith Spaulding, famous television technician and inventor of the twelve dimensioned colored television screen, recently told reporters that he still strives to build “bigger and better ones . At the moment he is working on problem 123472-30-4BF which he hopes will bring, in flesh and blood reality, the famous stars of radio, screen, and television, into American homes. Mr. Spaulding states that the training he received from a certain Mr. Ranger has helped him in his discovery of distributing human cells, thus making it possible for television stars to be in every home at the same time, (haii-tastic, isn’t it?) Roland (Sib) Dumas, racer and daredevil driver, recently told the members of the Daring. Dashing, Dauntless Drivers Club”—quote—“I owe my success to a Mr. . Bixby, who in my youth loaned me his car. It was 21

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JUNE 1949 John Tirrell has signed a new contract to replace “Spike Jones”. John says “the same old jokes will he told”. Jane Tillotson has contributed her newest composition, “Chemistry Blues.” Miss Cramton is the author of the feature “Killing the Classics”. Courtland Goss sends a dozen rather stale eggs to the first performance along with his congratulations. Cort says, “I always try to please my customers”. David Hatch has just completed his coast to coast trip, walking on his hands. His comment to the press was that he had seen the United States from a different point of view. Sports Flash:—Ritty Hale has just broken all college basketball records recently in Madison Square Garden when he bucketed the amazing total of 263 4 points . . . Larry “Stretch” l’erry, star of the Kalamazoo Striped Socks is conducting a school of sliding and base running. Says Mr. Perry, “I owe it all to MacLeod’s rigorous training. Ronnie Crawford bas just signed a $50,000 contract with the Montreal Canadians. He is the highest paid star in the National Hockey League. Ken Robinson lately returned from Antarctica where he discovered the eleventh radio-active element. When asked how he did it, he replied “I don’t know, just lucky, I guess.” He left his colleagues, Joyce Atherton and Richard Willoughby at Glacier Manor. The former is engaged in teaching Russian to the penguins. Willoughby, noted penguin fashion designer, is introducing new look sports wear to the penguins. Pat Boylan is now residing in Reno so that she won’t have to make the trip back and forth. She just can’t seem to make up her mind. Jackie Amidon has just left for Paris to take up a position as superintendent of a knitting school. She is to teach women how to make sweaters for their poodles. She will be accompanied by Velma Urban who will give French lessons to the French. Paul Roy, the mathematician, has shocked the world by his unusual theories. He believes that higher mathematics should be forbidden. His reason, The higher you go, the less you know”. His scholarly fiancee, Margaret Emmons, has just been awarded the Nobel Prize in Science for proving that C39A (XYZ)57-|-Ca306??? Dottie Weeks has succeeded the antiquated Dotty D’Amour of the movies and is now combing her waist long tresses to match her sarong. Katheleene Cote and Joan Ronnett are employed as personal hairdresser and wardrobe mistress, respectively. Miss Irene Bullock has succeeded Mr. Victor Bixby as Driver Training teacher at St. J. A. I intend to carry out Mr. Bixby’s policies in every way”, was her first statement. Lynn Thompson is writing an “Advice to the Lovelorn” column in the Dartmouth “Jack-O-Lantern”. She and her husband are residing in a two Quonset hut on the campus. Helen Clothey and Aline Williams are nurses in lower Slobovia while Donald Wood is a mortician. They work under the slogan of “We slay them, and he takes them away”. Buzz Stearns, Marilyn Moulton, and Nan Dean, co-owners of Sloward [onsans, are slowly driving the Boston brand of Howard Johnson out of business. 23