St Johnsbury Academy - Lamp Yearbook (St Johnsbury, VT)

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Cj-Utie. 946 THE PESSIMISTIC PUBLICAN VOL. 46, NO. 46 JUNE 10, 1956 4 COPIES @ 6c Goldberg Wins Honors at U. V. P. Miss Gloria Legendre, chief secretary of President C. K. Quimby of the University Vera Passumpsic, made known in an official communique to the Pessimistic Publican today, that Gerald Better - Late - Than-Never Goldberg has graduated summa cum laude from that fashionable institution. It is understood that this great achievement is being celebrated at the Academy by a one-day holiday. EXTRA PILOTS PLIGHT IN PLUTO S. J. Zabarsky and J. W. Flanders reached the planet of Pluto today in their new 2,000 m. p. h. airplane. They wired that they cannot claim to be the first people from Earth on Pluto, for to their utter amazement Make-A-Million Mayo , with the able assistance of his private secretary, Miss Bertha Lefevre, and his man Friday, Make-Som-More Muir , was already campaigning for President. Keep posted for up-to-the-minute bulletins! DARKLOOK HOSPITAL OPEN FOR BUSINESS The newest, most elaborate, and most exquisitely equipped hospital in New England, was CUTTING'S CLOTHING STORE TODAY ONLY!!!!! Jetta Ramsey—noted dress designer Buddenae Smith—model Sixth Floor not yet 46 minutes old when j two private rooms and six X- ' Ray machines had already been utilized. According to Miss Pauline Rice, private sec- j retary to Chief Physician Dr. M. , G. Sheffield, the first patient was Miss Nancy Wallis who had broken her right wrist | while giving a lecture but with the skillful attention of Chief Nurse Coombs is now resting comfortably. The second guest was Miss Irene Smith who was accidentally struck down by Miss Beverly Hol- brook's novel invention of a mechanical messenger boy. Miss Smith is the special patient of Nurse Heidger. Other employees at the institution are Miss C. Whitehill, chief dietician, and P. Bassett, head orderly. The PESSIMISTIC PUBLICAN extends the best of wishes to the staff of Darklook Hospital — and its patients. CROWD THRONGS BANKS OF SLEEPER FOR UNVEILING Four thousand six hundred people gathered yesterday afternoon on the banks of the Sleepers River, at the previous location of the city dump, when the copper statue of General Oliver Edmund Clubb was unveiled. The Honorable Mayor GRAND OPENING JUNE II BEV'S BEAUTIFYING BAZAAR Bev. Gibson, prop. Bev Johnson fingernail specialist George Allen presented a dramatic speech in honor of the General, and the statue was unveiled by Mademoiselle Anne Haney, President of the Ladies' Home Club. The poem of dedication was an original verse by St. Johnsbury's own poetess, Miss Claire Cheney, whose words were: We think this place to surely be The best and most appropriate For General Clubb, and so to he This statue we commemorate. WAIT FOR WARRELL'S WANDERING WOOERS The town is eagerly awaiting the arrival of Miss Ruth War-rell's famous band, Warrell's Wandering Wooers, which will make its first appearance at a dance in St. Johnsbury on June 18. Many familiar names are among the players — Misses -Gregoire and Creighton, and Mr. Francis Briggs, and of j course the soloist—(wait till you hear and see him, girls!) Jerry Hayes. Their dances will include both modern and square dancing — called of course by Al Caswell. COURT NOTES The Honorable Judge Hovey recently called Miss Carolyn Kimball before the court and fined her $46.00. Miss Ethell SUNNYREST FUNERAL HOME YOU SLAY 'EM, WE LAY 'EM. L. Jones, Director N. Miller, Manager ACADEMY HO LIDA Y CROC LAI MED EOR HONORED ALUMNUS 0

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STATISTICS {Uli£ z fcade.mij Student If you had seen a football game in the early fall of the year you would undoubtedly have seen one, Joe Average, of the class of 46. This rugged lad without, of course, his heavy pads and prickly jersey, tips the scales at a hefty 158 and hovers above the lowly underclassmen from the lofty height of 68 inches. And if you had continued your interest in our sporting ventures, you would probably have attended one of those basketball classics staged by our willowy maidens on the local gym floor. Sally Average of our illustrious class of '46 would have been the most progressive participant on the floor. With poise she carries her chubby figure of 123 pounds on a frame extending 65 inches above terra firma. Each week Joe manages to remove about $3 from the family funds to spend for a couple of shows or perhaps an ice cream soda after a tough day at baseball practice. For her little necessities Sally needs only $2 each week for in many cases hers is a big share of the three cartwheels Joe angles from his Dad on Saturday nights. After the evening meal has been duly masticated and providing indigestion has not set in, Sally relaxes with the local paper, the Caledonian Record, and scans through the ads of the cinema column hoping to find that Greer Garson or Van Johnson, that vitalized he-man, is coming to the local movie house soon. The sporting page of the New York Times ' seems of more interest to Joe who eagerly devours the averages of each of the league leading batters while his chemistry formulas lay unheeded on a nearby table. Life, Readers Digest, and Time are vho magazines most frequently read by the Averages. Both Sally and Joe have brown locks, and blue eyes which look forward into the future with expectancy and confidence. They belive that four years at the Old Academy have provided them with the essentials needed to grapple with any higher institution he or she might attend, or perhaps with the problems of life itself if college is not their desire. Like most Vermonters, Joe and Sally take their politics seriously, and their views are generally Republican. Joe is set in his opinion that there will be no war for him in the next decade but like a good Vermont conservative he believes that some system of military training should be adopted. The Vermont census ten years hence can be sure of only 13 classmates of Sally and Joe. The rest intend to inhabit communities now unknown to them, but 17 proud members of the eternal class of '46 plan to send their children to St. Johns-bury Academy for their secondary education. Compiled from actual statistics. H. S. 10

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'Ufis. c faadzmy Student Fifield, court stenographer, j reports that Miss Kimball had carelessly bumped into a tree I while driving at 100 m. p. h. down Passumpsic way. NOTICE Since my wife has left my bed and board, without just cause or provocation, I will no longer be responsible for any bills contracted by her. R. L. Smith. ACADEMY NOTES Admiral Joseph Cotton who recently returned from Pago Pago gave a very interesting talk in chapel on his thrilling experiences. Principal Stewart Gibson has announced the appointments of two new teachers to the Academy staff for next year. Miss Brenda Buckland will be in charge of the history department, and Mr. Ronald Benoit will teach chemistry and will serve as Dean of Boys. In response to the numerous inquiries, Mr. Gibson stated that there has been no honor roll at the Academy since the class of '46 graduated. BOOK REVIEWS Miss Jean Pillsbury has completed her new children's book, The Bounding Maine, and sales will begin next month. Place your order now. Success has at last found its wending way into the heart of Miss Avis Hoyt who now has found herself in the highest bracket of the income tax payers since the rcent publication of her book, My Diary, 1942-1946. Make It A MORRIS MORRIS AND MORRIS CO. EASY CHAIRS AND SOFAS LOCAL NEWS (Special Edition by Miss J. F. Benny) Miss Marjorie Leavitt has returned from Lake Deadstill where she visited Miss Martha Jean Canning at her summer home. She returned with the news that Eleanor Moore has opened a lakeside hotel at Lake Bullseye. Miss Frances Adams has been ill for a few days, after eating various pills she concocted to immune herself to the mumps. Miss Mary Nolan has acquired a position as private secretary to the Sultan of Zanzibar, i. e. Paul Hawley. East St. Johnsbury is still listening to the heedless cries of Miss C. Chase, who has been campaigning for mayor of that metropolis for ten years. Henry Goss is home on a vacation from his position as skiing instructor in Switzerland. He reports that his chief assistant, Miss C. Nelson, met with a catastrophe on a high slope, and is recovering now from a broken toe. Although several years late for his personal use, today Jack Morrill laid the last spike — a gold one, at that — in his private railroad from Woodstock to Fairbanks Cottage. Miss Jeannette Allen, R. N., leaves tomorrow to assist Dr. R. C. Cramton at his work as the famous missionary doctor leaves again to give aid among the natives of the North Pole. Florence's Flower Shoppe. Orchids @ $46.00, clover 46c. Florence Buxton, Prop. advt. GAFFNEY S GROCERIES Special Today — SAUERKRAUT 46c a pound Irene Marcotte recently won a prize of $46.00 for her painting '46”, or Ye Gads! — What's That? Misses Charlotte Kimball and Margaret Vear have returned from an extended visit to the 1 South Pole and we have heard rumored that a book of their experiences will be published any day now. Keep it in-mind: it ought to prove interesting! The regular town buses will shortly be done away with when the Misses B. Reynolds and M. Warren put into operation their Electric Eagle System. WEATHER REPORT (Up-to-the-minute reports by Laura Irwin) Hot air such that has never been felt since the year that the class of '46 was at the Academy is expected in the near future. BIRTHS Congratulations are due Magister G. S. Newell whose pet skunk, Stinky, has become the proud mother of quintuplets! DEATH The community extends its utmost sympathy to L. A. Nelson on the death of his six new cows. TODAY ONLY CASSIDY'S COZY THEATRE THE FIGHTING F O R T Y - S I X Starring Adrien Daigneault and Laura Lou Merriman Produced - Directed Costumed By S. W. White 12