St Johns High School - Torch Yearbook (Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada)

Page 85 text:

HONORABLE MENTION HOW TO RITE AN ESSAY? many piple ca’nt rite essase!” so i vill give you som fondmentals Dere are too diffrent kind essase; De first is de formal soch as dis one . . . de next is informal:—Ven riting a formal essay de riter mus be akvainted mit de sobject; becos he most axpiain it to de reeder’s? in de informal essay de riter try’s to make de reeder laff soch an essay is not for adducated piple. Ven is de best time to rite an essay! some pipple like to rite essase at nite? for me de best time is in de morning at 6: a clock P.M. Bot you most alvays remamber dat no matter ven you rite de essay, you shud be tinking abot it all day—-ven broshing de teeth in de morning; ven eeting sand-vitches at noon; ven vaiting for a strit car at nite, All de time you shud be tinking abot your essay, Before riting an essay you shud be having a topic. choose your topic frum your intrests; differ¬ ent piple hev different intrests—Meenee likes kooking so she rites abot how to make blintzes. Jeam likes roller skatink, so he rites abot hocky. So meny tinks you can rite abot, fer example; de sonset; de moonshine: do ve com from de apes? Tennyson, Woods wort, end Brownstone; mine oncle’s restarant: will plese be eaternal? Odder axemples i could givink bot is no space. After you are having a tipic, tink abot wat you got to saye (den put a roff idea on paper) reed over de article end korrect all de grema- ticle mistakes end mispallings woch aspashally de spalling. Two meny piple go tru skool midout lerning how to spal, many times. In essase is no paragrafsldese is very bad arror, odder times is modifriers misplased, modi- friers shud be alvays in de same sentens as de vord modifried. Ponctuation is getting many piple in truble, efen me is sometimes getting mixed op: Also a paragraf got too hav younity, amfasis; end coherens, i vill give u an axplanation of younity—“ven in one side of de paragraf your’e saying one tink end in de odder an odder tink den der is no younity; Choherens is meaning dat every-one can on- derstand it’ even tickers, alvays; ven riting an essay never repete yourself; dis vay you vill improff de coherens. Next amfasis:—dees ees not for bigeeners. ’If you are obaying dese rules you vill be having a good essay, “if any reeder vants to kno, wot rite I’m got to rite soch a essay, I’m tailing him: for tvelf ears i’m teeching Anglish in Roshia, end if I don’ gno any Anglish, who ken,)( )(. by Amram Oilk. , Moses Dimentberg, XII-29. Page Eighty-one

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THIRD PRIZE THE DARK AGES A saying that gains truth as time passes is that “Movies killed vaudeville.” Anyone who has seen a modem film agrees that it is plain murder all right (and they don’t doubt it has homicidal antecedents). There was a time when the shadowy heroine went the full ten reels without so much as a scratch. Today though, the gentleman playing the hero thinks nothing of nestling a right hook to the heroine’s jaw, and then gently slapping her mascara from one side of her face to the other with, a sock that would conk out a bull elephant. This continues until the heroine is so panicky that she starts saying crazy things like, “If you want anything, whistle.” The director calls the match in the seventh reel, the hero is declared champion, and the extras roll up their sleeves preparatory to giving the battered leading lady a badly needed blood transfusion. Of course, there must be an excuse for all this because people don’t usually go around in¬ discriminately separating their girl-friends from their teeth. The excuse commonly known as a plot is so negligible that professional movie goers seldom bother about it and neither shall we. A professional movie-goer is possessed with few physical assets which single him (or her) out from the rabble. One of these is a well- padded, well-trained posterior. Another is a muscle-bound neck which receives its exercise bent at angles of 45°, 60° or 90° depending on what length of insanity the lady in front has gone in choosing the thing on her head. One of his more useful powers is that of split vision. He can watch the picture with one eye and enjoy himself by looking with the other at the couple two rows and five seats to the right of him. He is probably the only person who goes to a double bill and watches two shows at the same time. Double features are “come-ons” for movie enthusiasts, one of whom is born every minute. They always consist of an A picture, and a B picture. The difference between the two is that the A picture puts you to sleep immediately, whereas in the B picture sounds of falling Red¬ wood trees, old mill wheels cornin’ closer and closer, screeching brakes, and diving airplanes keep you awake. This naturally lessens the value of the B picture. Of course no bill is complete without up-to-the-minute-news-of- public-interest which includes cuties in $15,000 fur capes, and the Venezuelean Ambassador arriving for talks on the saltpetre situation, and a $38,000,000,000 reconversion scheme whereby Great American Inventive Genius turns Liberty ships into toothpaste tubes. Following this are trailers which tell us that the attraction coming next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, is so colossal and magnificent that we have practi¬ cally wasted our money by being here now, when next week this stupendous picture will be shown. As we have already paid our cash to the lady imprisoned in the glass, cage in the lobby, and to avoid this “I-am-a-Moron-feeling” we usually choose this time to let our thirst get the better of us and we slouch quietly up the aisle for a drink of water. Theatre aisles are testing grounds for char¬ acter. There is no feeling quite like that of walking alone down a theatre aisle. You feel every eye upon you. You feel like a bubble dancer at a convention of pea-shooter manufac¬ turers. Your knees feel polite. They take off their caps to each other and you sprint stum¬ bling to the nearest seat where you fall ex¬ hausted, in a state of nervous collapse. You wonder at its strange comfort for a few mo¬ ments, in which the lady underneath regains her wind, and reminds you that after all, she hardly knows you and she would like to see the picture. After mumbling apologies you begin the quaint game of “Oops sorry!” The object of the game is to walk a six-inch path, in a dark theatre, between the toes of the other contestants and the steel-backed chairs directly in front of said toes. If you step off the path you receive as a penalty either a broken toe or a punch on the nose. The punch on the nose can be for¬ feited if you can say “Oops, sorry!” in one-half a second, the time it takes for a hand to travel from side to probiscis. After you are perfectly comfortable you dis¬ cover to your horror that you have forgotten to take off your overcoat. You immediately begin to sweat and fret. Taking off an overcoat in a theatre seat approximately two feet across and two feet high is a trick that calls for the combined talents of gymnast, magician and Indian rubber man. You pull one arm, it doesn’t move. You pull at the other. It won’t budge. At this point you lose your head. Of course this solves the problem. With no top-piece you simply pull the coat over your shoulders and fold it in your lap. It’s too bad that things had to come to a head, though. Norm Hill. Page Eighty

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HONORABLE MENTION RENDEZVOUS AT INFINITY The advent of the atomic bomb has started all sorts of people prophesying that we shall all be blown to eternity. Eternity means un¬ limited time. In contrast infinity means simply unlimited, time and space. If we went to one we would no doubt go to the other. Up and coming young scientists like ourselves would buy the double ticket just for the curiosity of seeing the place. I argue that the trip is impossible, but let us attempt it and discover if such an extended journey is impossible. Let us borrow an atomic bomb from our benevolent government and set it off in my back yard with all those desiring to take the trip gathered, around. I shall assume that the majority of passengers starting for infinity unlimited would go in parallel lines since they would be impelled either straight up, or down, as the case may be. Also, since the travellers are motivated by re¬ leased atomic energy, I assume they would be travelling at speeds approaching the speed of light (186,300 miles per second), because upon the explosion of an atomic bomb, everything is dissipated into light. Therefore let us extract the electrons, from our bodies, label them so we may put the correct number in the correct places upon arrival, and send them off at the speed of light. The protons and neutrons would slow down to approximately 150,000 miles per second, due to friction in the atmosphere. We (the protons and neutrons) are now on our way to infinity travelling along parallel lines relatively close to each other. The back seat driver reminds us not to get whipped by the tail of that comet, although it has only one, not nine, and to wave hello to some electron and positron acquaintances resting between Castor and Pollux. After travelling for 9, followed by the zeros on ticker tape produced from several forests, years, watching our parallel courses cross and almost collide just at the entrance to minus infinity we have arrived home. We come in for a gentle landing on eartl , Inertia’s ticket had completely expired beoam a of friction in spaces so full of magnetic lines f force, that they attracted a cloud of wanderir ? nickel and cobalt molecules. Our electrons r - turned safely 51,652 years ago and we must no pay the wholesale rate of $4.95 (regular $5.0() a year for a safety deposit vault in which the were stored. This would impoverish us if v, a had not left our last week’s allowance (5c) i l the bank before we left. The compound intere t has made our fortunes. Like all travellers we like to meet our frienc ; again so we sink a shaft through the debr:; above the cemetery and descend to see then . We don’t dig the shaft of course but merel • have a rocket ship take off from the spot chose i for excavation. The blast forms a perfect! ■ symmetrical hole of the right depth, even fusin ; the silicon around the edge so we will not b troubled with shoring. Why they haven’t changed a bit, but to ou consternation they inform us that we didn’t g to infinity or even eternity. They say that upo our departure we would have begun to sprea in a cone. This is deduced from the fact tha the intensity of light and the volume of soun vary inversely as the square of the distance, am being loose matter we probably would have gon the same way. We find that we are not her but are spread thinly over the face of the uni verse. Not so thinly either for according to Ein stein’s relativity correction for mass: Mo M = - (v)= 1 —(—) ( c ) M = the mass of the body in motion. Mo = the mass of the body at rest. v = the velocity of the body. c = the speed of light. It is intuitively obvious from this equation that when “v” approaches the speed of light the denominator will be 0. When the denominator Page-Eighty-two