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Page 11 text:
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“But I’m scared. In a few months I’m going to have to do something . . . what? Grad school, a job, the draft, get married? My whole future seems like an empty void.” Strong. Impulsive, Clashing words. Of talent, intelligence. Of surging activity. Words of the depth-seekers caught in an establishment. Not independent. Yet not at home. Not doing what they want. Yet learning how to do it. Not an enduring, stable world. Yet running from a childhood one and not yet there to live in dreams. Words of man in limbo. And it can be great! Life, good. I, young. Mud puddles, picnics, handsome boys, pretty girls, black coffee, strong talk. A wonder sense in living. The time to see. The imagination to create. Openness to feel. Flexibility to adapt. Desire to experience. Freedom from years. Address me Fascination. Joy. Mystic. Magnificent. Winner of hall fights, wooer of women, spring, wind, schemer of schemes, Pied Piper pro tem. PMOC - ME. The college man. Who learns. Who knows. Who under- stands. When the scattered bits fly together and coalesce, I am propelled illimitably up. Yet in the next day, the next hour, I am overwhelmed - stumbling, tumbling, pressed down. Learning is beautiful. Studying is not. Burning eyes, humped shoulders, numb feet, and cramped hand. Incomplete notes. Unattainable book. Cup empty. Light dim. Procrastination. Despair. Dependence is warm security. Indepen- dence isn’t. It’s a precious me dying. A coat too heavy and as yet too big. A ba- lance between need and stoicism too pre- cise. And in the shadow the always Why- Who-am-I? hiding. If I am not what I was and not what I am going to be, who am | now in this undefined day? Does it even matter? Loneliness, ambiguity, the weight of im- portance. Weariness, pressure, tears, pain. Sure! But excitement. Birth. Teleological joy. a —— as
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Page 10 text:
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6 hose first days in Jernigan Hall were really bad - Man was I homesick! Every- thing was so completely weird. Endless cafeteria lines for hamburger, 11 x 14 matchbox rooms, eccentric roommates. . . a completely different world.” “Courses... learning . . . professors. . . peers - the whole free, changing thing. I love it! College can put me on top of the world. It’s not an all-the-time deal, of course, but when I’m up, nothing can touch me. I take care of myself, go where I want, do what I choose, structure life for myself.” “It was just like someone hit me between the eyes with a sledge hammer. | couldn’t believe it! I’d been out on my own, to Viet Nam - free, responsible, adult. And sud- denly I’m surrounded by all these kids away from home for the first time in their lives, studying subjects like how to make a tooth- pick house. . .” “I get so fed up with the whole bitssleal never have another methods course that would be too soon. All I want is my own classroom, real children, real problems and [ll find answers - I just can’t wait to get out on my own.”
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