Sioux Falls College - Sioux Brave Yearbook (Sioux Falls, SD)

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CAMPUSTOWN CHRONIC-ILL Page 3 EDDY TORIALS They Faught for Naught Looking back fifty years to the founding of Campustown as well as looking at the inhabitants ' black faces has reminded us once more of the Civil War, that great battle between England and the Spanish colonies in which the United States gained its liberty. After due deliberation members of the staff have decided that the United States should never have entered the Civil War in the first place because it was just butting in on foreign affairs, and as our 14th president had stated before that time, Beware of entangling barbwire. Remember the policy of frigidation. In the second place, to quote prominent members of the Ladies ' Aid, Mesdames Helen Westman, Jeanne Van Brunt and Janice Van Brunt, there would be no unemployment nowadays if slavery were still in existence because all the people with dirty faces would of a natural law be slaves, and those who had white faces because they took the trouble to wash them would naturally be their masters and make them work whether they got payed or not. Refuse Congratulations, Mr. Refuse Although you have refused the position as garbage commissioner, Mr. George Koplow Refuse, we are congratulating you on being unanimously elected honorary garbage commissioner by the town janitor. The term honorary is strictly implied as meaning with ser- vice, but without salary. The people of Campustown have awarded you this high honor and we know you will not refuse it, but just refuse (the garbage) . In an interview with Mr. Refuse he stated his main objection to the acceptance of the position, and seeing that the major one could easily be done away with, we burned the incinerator. His chief objection was, I don ' t like to be incineratin ' . Nerts to the President By Bobbie Taylor A great question is before the people of the United States as a result of the new administration. Does President Franklin Delano Roosevelt eat peanuts, and if so does he prefer them salted or in the shell? It has been whispered that he eats Jumbo peanuts, and there has been much agitation among public-minded citizens about this matter since it is a published fact that this particular kind is the most expensive. Is this economy? Is this cutting down the cost of running the government? Of course, the people also realize that it would be taking valuable time if the president had to shell the peanuts, and there would also be extra work for the janitors and housekeepers sweeping up the debris. However, it is evident that no definite action can be taken on this question rat present. ANYWAY, WHO CARES! Pupils of Dr. Ethmoid to Give The Little Red School House for PTA Under the direction of their devoted teacher, Mr. Roswell Rogers, the only in- structor in this vicinity who has a Ph. D. degree, and who is sometimes known as Dr. Ethmoid, the children of Campustown model school will give a play to- morrow night before the PTA (Patented Torcher Appliances) at the Ether Waves school. The play which portrays the horrors of school life is the original work of Dr. Ethmoid, and is called, The Little Green School House. It is commonly understood that the rogue in the play is a characterization of Dr. Ethmoid in his own remote school days. The children who will take part and the roles they will portray are: Josephus Hulk, Virgil Kleespies; Sadie Gashouse, Edith Kentfield; Etta Pancake, Ida Shel- don; Spike McGuire, Ralph Matthews; and the absent minded professor, Dr. Ethmoid, of course. Dr. Ethmoid was very modest about taking the leading part, but then he said, No one can put the exact air of realism into it like I can, and if anyone else took the part the whole thing would be ruined. Other features on the PTA program will be a talk by Mrs. John G. Hein on What is the Younger Generation Com- ing To? and a short song by Marie Baumann called When You and I Were Kids, Maggie, by which time the meeting will be adjourned, we are sure. President Grant Farnsworth will preside. Extra! Mrs. Vitamin Recalls Childhood Though Sixty-five She Can Still Work and Beat Her Husband Ah yes, my childhood, said Mrs. A. B. Vitamin, when recently interviewed. It is so long ago, I scarcely remember it, but one vivid recollection stands out, and that is that every spring my mother gave me a dose of sulphur and molasses. Poor Mother, if she had only known. Now I take Vitamin fruit compound and am stronger in every way, do all my own work al- though I am 65, and still have enough streng th to beat my husband every night. Fifty years ago I rode to Mrs. Minerva Jones ' sewing school every after- noon in a buggy behind a sorrel gray mare, and how vividly I remember the time I played hookey. My conscience bothered me for months afterwards, and I never done such a wicked thing again. ' Then there were the rides John and I used to take on a bicycle built for two, and afterward we would end up with a hilarious party in which a number of us would gather around the piano to sing songs. Those were the good old days. VERSUS RHYME By Wood B. Poet I cry and cry. I wonder why I am so sad. Guess I ' m mad At the world. With flags unfurled 1 11 go on and on Until the cruel life is done. And with the earth I ' m mingled. Hope I ' ll make good fertilizer. If Girls Would Only Know I can ' t understand why he doesn ' t call me up. Poor girl, I thought, should I tell her. And then I decided to take the risk. Someone had to tell her why she was ignored by all the promising young men. My dear, I said, You are one of the prettiest girls I know. Your complex- ion is fair and smooth. Your eyes are big and blue. Your teeth are white and pearly. Your hair is dark and curly. BUT you don ' t wash you stockings in Sweet Scent Soap. It is so simple and convenient, and you know every man can tell when a girl uses the wrong kind of soap on her stockings. — Adv.

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Pag 2 CAMPUSTOWN CHRONIC-ILL WHO WaS WHO Fifty EARS aGO Ingvold Blap, One Tomato Man — Founder and first mayor of the village. When Ingvold (That was his name but his descent is decent) Blap said to his family, Let ' s Campus on that hill, the town was founded and named all in the same breath. One Tomato Man was an appellation given him by the Indians who were angry because only a single tomato grew in his garden, and the Indians were very fond of tomato coctail and tomatoes too. (Red skins, you know.) Josephus Percival Adolphus Tonic is still living with us today, as are Josephus, Percival, and Adolphus, Tonic ' s three pet hares. Tonic is hair to the heir tonic millions, and his favorite ad is, Put hair tonic on a linoleum floor and in the morning it will be a rug. Little Tooth Ruthless — Little Miss Toothless brought fame to our town several years ago when she won a beauty contest sponsored by the Consolidated False Denture Manufacturers of America. It will also be remembered that the child won fourth place in the Perfect Baby contest held by the Condensed Milk company when she was two months old. Ulp and Gulp Hansom — Twin grandsons of Ingvold who really started factory business in Campus- town by inventing gum. Gum was useful as glue, an instrument adapted to picking pockets, for furniture ornament, and for paci- fiers for persons with lugubrious tendencies. Mrs. I. Gos- sipea — One of the ladies with whom Ulp and Gulp ' s invention came in very handily. Mrs. Gossipea believed in doing things in a big way. Why have bak- ing powder in cakes, her twentieth century phil- osophy would lead her to say, when it ' s only a teaspoonful any- way. What good could that little bit do? This tendency of hers led to the establishment of a bake shop by certain philanthropists and dypspeptics. Isee Icy I. C. Ice — Former ic eman, but he had to be fired because of his conscientious qualities. Icy can be found any time you want him down by the smelting plant looking for the piece of ice he lost as he stopped to talk to the fireman twenty-five years ago today. Mr. Scarrington — Mr. Harrington, no one remem- bers, was first editor of the Chronic-Ill during the period when that paper made such excellent fire material. His policy was education for the masses, and we are sure that masses of flies and mosquitoes were edified by the learned words as the papers flew into the garbage can or were used to make kites to glide through the ethereal waves. First Baseball Team — As soon as nine men had congegrated i n Campustown a baseball league was formed. Reading from left to right are: Ma- yor Ingvold Blap, Ulp and Gulp, Mr. I. Gossipea, Josephus Percival Adolphus Tonic, John Smith, Mr. Pocho- hontas. Isee Icy I. C. Ice, and Mr. Scarum. If you can only see two people, your eye- sight is bad. If you can see them all, it ' s worse.

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Page 4 CAMPUSTOWN CHRONIC-ILL Cnmpiistown €iii iddei s Smear Srwish Braves Grab Trophy In Intersection Meet Forced to Return it Though ; Gain 14th in 15 School Tourney By Roswell Rogers Sweeping firsts in all track events with No. 4H Fuller brushes, Campustown col- lege track team ran off with the trophy for the annual intersectional track meet However, the team was apprehended and was forced to return the trophy. There were 15 schools entered in the meet, and Camputown college placed fourteenth. Captain Jacobson got off to a good start in the two-mile, but was forced to run five and a half miles before he could nose out Jimmy Durante for first pla:e. Brennan made the best time in this race, Cagers Win Laurels in Punktana Clash By Wiley Christopher In a thrilling battle by a huge margin, the Campustown cagers trounced the Punktana Puny Peewees in an unrecorded score on the athletic field. Punktana took the floor and ruined a perfectly good basketball contest, asd Bill Teddy Brennan sank a basket Teddy followed by Great Jack Harrington tossing a char- ity. This left one only basket, and Karl Fritz Frantz made it. k Braves Charge Fighting for all the Braves were worth, Phillip Fuzz Peirce was called for charging — he jus: won ' t pay cash. Edward Shimy Shimkat dropped in a bucket but it wouldn ' t sink. This ran the count up to six (downs) . Big Gus Marvin Helfert took the tip-off (of his finger) as Johnny Hoot Gibson was called for traveling (to Missouri). Francis Frannie Peckham broke-his dribble (not New Year ' s resolution). Grant Squeak Farnsworth played the role of the dare-devil when he went over the line and back. LeRoy Sonny Clare scored while Roscoe Brick Harrington counted (ten) for Campustown. Good at Marbles Robert Bobbie Winters was outsand- ing (marble) player. Captain Rookie Rayl held the forwards down to the count of ten. Are you telling me, cried the des- pondent basket maker, no wonder my business is shot all to pieces with every- body in the country making baskets. You see it in the movies and newspapers and everywhere. Coach Iustagohere Wins 28 Trouncings Having proudly led the Campustown athletes ' feet through paths of glory, Ccach I Ustagohere but Igotleftie Olsen can now settle down to a peaceful winter mourning. He has achieved in the remarkable foot — bask — tractor season nine undis- puted victories in which games he was larger than the opposing coach; 28 de- feats (Our coach isn ' t any too big) ; and three non- decision debates with the referee. Oh yes, he casually says, I played here when I was a child. Oh mercy no, there wasn ' t a team then — just me. I was a champion debater in those days, but now I ' m mar- ried Ole Olscn orobably due to the fact that he managed to run only the first hundred yards. In the high hurdles the timekeeper clocked Farnsworth at 16.2 (minutes), and Farnsworth clocked the timekeeper right back; so Farnsworth won second place in the middleweight boxing section. Helfert tossed the discus 506 ! 4 yards, but he was later disqualified when it was learned that he had tossed the timekeeper ' s watch, which the timekeeper had lost dur- ing the boxing exhibition. No Pilot License In the jumps Harrington flapper his ears vigorously enough to fly over the bamboo pole at 4:3 2, which wasn ' t good enough to win 12th place, but it was good enough for Jack, especially since he was operating without a pilot ' s license. Iverson got stuck on the bar in the pole vault at 10.4 !4, and would be there yet if Clare hadn ' t miscued and knocked him off with the javelin. Winter vaulted under the bar twice when it was 12:7. Hujhes and Werle started to burn up the cinder path when the officials weren ' t looking. The officials continued not to look when they discovered it was on fire with the hope that their day ' s work would soon be over. However they were foiled as W. Taylor and Beveridge slowly tram- pled the fire out with their breath-taking two-mile pare. Heave Shot Davis was going great guns in the mile race and was sure to win five points for dear old Compustown, but he quit on the fourth lap when he discovered that Bar- Nose out Pink Team In 9th Inning Rally Rayl, Abraham, Peirce, Werle, Helfert, Gibson, Squeak, Make Prize Breaks By Wiley Christopher Playing before a strong Swish green and pink eleven, the Campustown Braves won a 3-2 victory in a beautiful ninth inning rally under ideal weather conditions of snow, sleet, hail, and rain. The green tornado chose to receive; so Rookie Rayl kicked off on his own 40- yard line. Umpire Artichoka lowered the flag at half mast, and in the mad scamble the strecher boys, Doc Billion and Big Shot Martini, watercarriers, took Referee Antifair off the field. Anyhow Chief Maher made the tackle (fishing) on the 35-yard line. Win 5 yd. Loss On an off-tackle smash, Stub Abraham broke through the (chalk) line and threw the green ball toter for a 5-yard loss. Hassifat, Swish fullback, picked up two-yards (sticks) through center, but fumbled the ball and Bill Potticary recovered (from the flu) for Cam- pustown. Is Hero Fuzz Peirce was saying some numbers, and Jude Werle circled the entire field for exercise and a three pound loss. On the next play Big Gus Helfert passed and Whata Man Bostic bid two clubs. Hoot Gibson hit the line on two feet. This being the fourth down, Kenny Rost, Darling Winter, Hot Shot Norris, Mike Strahon, and Edd e Rouk kicked out bounds in mid-field. The first quarter ended with the score: Swish 0; Campustown 0. Execute Sleeper The Hi 0 packers discovered their mistake, and returned the referee to the gridiron (something in a theatre). Swish took the pigskin in midair, and on a spinner play the entire center spun the ball while the quarter back called out a number, which happened to be the one of Squeak Farnsworth, back, and he (Continued on page 137) ton was keeping up with him. Raveling then took up the banner and carried it to the chalk line amid the admiring cheers of Junior. Rayl became ill trying a high jump, and consequently he scored a few points by heaving the shot. Bassel, who wasn ' t quite as sick, ran Rayl a close second. Koplow, Frost, and the Rice brothers were doing pretty well in the half-mile until a neigh- boring farmer happened to pass by. Now they ' re hitched up to his plow, and Coach Olsen is ahead 40.