Shawnigan Lake School - Yearbook (Shawnigan Lake, British Columbia Canada)

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Shawnigan Lake School Magazine write on your report that you have a sound knowledge of the subject up to the point reached. Your holidays and the money you receive at Christmas can be most profit- ably spent in buying cribs, or if you prefer a more refined word keys to the various text books used, after which you can sit back in comfort and with their aid sail through Matric with over sixty percent. I hope shortly to be able to make Mathematics, French and English Gram- mar as simple, provided the editor will publish my articles. « CORRESPONDENCE » To the Editor, Shawnigan Lake School Magazine. Dear Sir: May we venture, through the medium of your world famous magazine, to put an end to a long and foolish argument which has vexed the wise men of many countries for a number of years. We refer to the question of whether Bacon wrote Shakespeare or not. It has always been remarked by all close students of the works of the so-called Bard of Avon that there are a remark- able number of references to pigs in his plays — to quote but two examples: 1st witch: Where hast thou been, sister? 2nd witch: Killing swine, and again: — 1st witch: Pour in sow ' s blood. Now a further point which has apparently been overlooked until now is the fact that the so-called Shakespeare has a daughter called Susanna. It is obvious, even to those but slightly acquainted with the Latin tongue, that sus means pig: add to this the fact that his son was called HAMnet, and we have two further conclusive proofs of his desire to tell those wise enough to understand that Shakespeare was a mere nom de plume for Bacon, or cooked pig. But why, someone may ask, did he assume the name of Shakespeare? This point troubled us for some time but we eventually solved it as follows: In Bacon ' s day the shaking of a spear (ancient spelling speare) was obviously an act of intimida- tion towards one ' s foes and was meant to put them off: he therefore thought that it would be the right name for one to use who was endeavoring to put off those who wished to know his real name. There is, of course, additional sugges- tion of his real identity conveyed in the word when we consider that spears were principally used for boar-hunting in his day. But enough of these refer- ences to pigs: Bacon was not the man to leave his work of self -revelation incom- plete, but he gives us a very definite proof of his real name in one of his plays. Now one of his plays is called King Lear, and Lear it will be noted is an anagram of the word real. So it is that in the very title of the play he lets us know that he is going to tell us his real name. Not contented with this broad hint, he states quite bluntly early on in this play Meantime we shall express our darker purpose, and a little later the significant remark is found Time shall 29

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Shawnigan Lake School Magazine « How to Succeed at Latin » I am aware that a learned scholar of one of the great English Schools has preceded me in the task I have undertaken, but whereas he expressed his ideas in verse I intend to adopt the simpler form of prose, because I feel sure that the majority of people after reading his opening couplet, you are wishful to be pat in The ancient art of writing Latin. would feel little desire to read further, and if they did they would be com- pletely put off by two lines a little further on, Ye shades of Tully and Erasmus, Teach me to use the queer chiasmus. At once they would ask, What is a chiasmus, anyway? and who are these gentlemen, Tully and Erasmus? I could not answer the first question my- self without reference to a dictionary, whilst I could only suggest that Tully sounds as though his stock-in-trade was wedding veils, and that Erasmus, if I am not mistaken, is to be ranked with Messrs. Enos, Kruschen, Andrews and others whose special line is salts. No one nowadays desires to learn Latin of his own accord: some of us have to learn it of necessity. Hence had I thought fit to express myself in verse I should have begun: The many hours I have sat in Detention to rewrite my Latin. which would at once convey to my readers what a perfect right I had to under- take my self-imposed task. The whole matter is really a very simple one. On receiving a copy of Rev- erend Kennedy ' s standard work promptly embellish the cover with its now universally recognized and revised title, The Shortbread Eating Primer, or if it is bound in green The Revised Way of Eating Prime Beef. Write also in different places on the cover the word Poison and any other witticisms which occur to you. The master will then give you what he supposes are sufficiently cogent reasons for the school remaining on the Latin Standard, but you will let them run off you like water from a duck ' s back, and refuse to be converted. Being now in the proper frame of mind for approaching the subject you turn to the verb amo at which you gaze with the feeling that it would be more fitting to learn J hate, but enquiry elicits the information that the latter word is defective. Your inward comment as to who is mentally so is too obvious to require writing down. After six weeks of unswerving devotion to amo the page parts company from the rest of the book, as the over-ripe fruit from the tree, and is never found again. This is a sure sign that you know the first conjugation and are now fully competent to study mensa. This is one of the rarer words in the language, presumably because, as the Romans were always fighting — or such is the impression derived from the exercise books — they never had time to sit down to a meal in comfort, but always took it picnic fashion. This noun is studied for the remainder of the term, at the end of which the master is able to 28

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Shawnigan Lake School Magazine unfold what plaited cunning hides. The mention of time here was obviously important, so we next turned our attention to dates. We then found that he was supposed to have been born in 1564, while further investigation con- clusively proved that this date had been used as a cryptogram in the play. The one in the date obviously refers to act one, while the five is the scene. Six and four add together to make ten, and the first letter in line ten of act one scene five is N. By similar simple mathematical processes we arrive at the letters N, A, O, B and C, which are an obvious anagram of Bacon. Sir, we sincerely trust that this brief but irrefutable proof of the fact that it was really Bacon who wrote under the name of Shakespeare will once and for all put a stop to further arguments on the subject. Thanking you, sir, for thus permitting us to bring the results of our dili- gent research to light through the medium of your enlightened organ, We remain, Yours truly, D. W. Celde, Anagram Club. COACH AND REFEREE It is laid down in the rules that the referee may not coach the players. This is an attempt to look into the mind of a referee who is also the coach of one of the contending teams. This, needless to say, is a modified version of what we find there: Break, break, break! You ' re all asleep in that scrum! And oh! that my tongue could utter My thoughts just as they come. Bad luck to that lazy forward, Who won ' t keep up with the play! Devil take that clumsy three-quarter, Who has dropped every pass today! And the heedless scrum goes on Always dribbling ahead with the ball, But oh! for the grip of a supple stick, And to speak just once, — that ' s all. Break, break, break With the ball at your feet, you scrum! But who would think that seven boys Could be so infernally dumb! —P. H. 30