Saltus Grammar School - Yearbook (Hamilton, Bermuda)

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14 pants off the Headmaster, Doctor Garlick, for stealing apples from his orchard forty-five years ago. There were faint signs that the Head- master was not amused. He then worked himself up into a lather of eulogy about Parnassus; he was proud to be called an alumnus of such a college; it was one of the inspirations of his life to be called an alumnus; doggone it, he almost wished he knew what the word meant! He recalled the time when he and Patty Griggs of the Post Office were the only pupils; Patty and he were — but at this moment the Vet arrived, and an interval was declared while Buttercup gave birth to her calf. On the resumption, there was a distinct odour of applejack, and the Headmaster rose to review the School Year. He spoke of the distinctions gained by Parnassus pupils at home and abroad; seven resident in Europe had been deported; Elmer Knickerbocker had been made a life-member of Alcatraz; Shirley Guggenheimer had recently divorced her fifth husband, and Earl Hoggins was third deputy body- guard to Senator McCarthy. Doctor Garlick then passed to the school ' s record of work, and stated with pride that all pupils now had slates, and he was hoping the Director of Education would be able within the next year or two to prevail upon Hiram P. Crackenbusch, the owner of the quarry, to have some pencils cut. Of the 75 pupils, 28 could definitely read words of two syllables. 52 were full-time, and 23 attended when they were not farming or looking after the baby. The Average Age of the school was slightly lower — 34, owing to the sad death of Floyd Washington Chalmers at the age of 92. In the Athletic Field, Amanda Wilks had been second in the Corn- Husking Contest, and Lincoln J. Arnold Junior had lasted two rounds in the preliminary eliminations to find an ultimate challenger for Rocky Marciano. They would all be glad to hear that his injuries were not fatal. At that moment Mrs. Mareotti, whose two sons, Paul and Barna- bas, 48 and 45 respectively, were graduating after thirty years at the college, set up an all-time record from the Cowshed to her home, from which a column of smoke was seen to be rising. The prize-giving was temporarily adjourned while those present formed a bucket-chain and put out a brisk fire in her kitchen. The Parnassus Choir, dressed all in white, with the exception of Dulciebelle Winters, who had had laundry trouble at the last minute, then grouped themselves at the Cheese-Making End, and rendered the School Song Floreat Parnassus (which they pronounced (Flooreet).

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13 13. Are you allowed to go to bed before midnight? 14. How do you normally address a master — Bud; Hiya; Say; Sourpuss? — in any case, can you recognise a master? 15. When in the presence of a lady, do you (a) stand up; (b) lie down; (c) leap in the air? In each case, why? 16. How much pocket-money do you usually carry? If in excess of 50 dollars, please call at the Masters ' Common Room between the 17th. and the end of any current month. 17. Have you a girl-friend? If so, is she married or single? (The legal department will be interested). 18. Have you read a book? 19. Is your father in Real Estate? If so, would six years ' good re- ports make life easier for you — and the Staff? 20. Do you cheat systematically or spasmodically? (Use a diction- ary for the long words). Graduation Day at Parnassus (By ' Courtesy of Mid-Swamp Clarion and Tennessee Trumpet.) This historic ceremony took place on Thursday, December 16th., in the main Cowshed of Farmer Squash ' s property, before a large and appreciative audience of parents, staff, pupils, and alumni, with the addition of the Headmaster and Governing Body at the Milking End, and Buttercup, who, being in calf, could not safely be moved. At the commencement of the proceedings, the Headmaster rose to announce that the School Song would not this year be sung indoors, as the condition of the building gave rise to some anxiety. He then called upon the Chairman of the Governors, Senator Hayseed, to say a few words. The Senator rose, absent-mindedly reversing the hour- glass, and delivered himself of a Super-Gettysburg, in which he found time to include the Christmas attractions of his Dry-Goods Store, Russian propaganda, and his opinion of the Brooklyn Dodgers. There was a slight interruption at this moment, while Farmer Squash, who had been sitting with Buttercup, left hurriedly to phone the Vet. With one quarter of the sand to go, the Senator remembered Par- nassus. He announced with evident pride that he had lambasted the

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:15 This was sung with the last verse in unison, with an unrehearsed con- tralto solo from Buttercup. Just as the choir was about to begin its usual selection of solos and glees, the Headmaster interrupted the programme to welcome the Director of Education, who apologised for being nearly two hours late, but explained that he had had an accident to his tricycle. When a seat had been found for him, Caroline McGuffy sang ' Cherry Ripe , a sure winner since she firs t rendered it seventeen years before. Appropriately enough, just as the Parnassus Male Voice Quartet was delivering itself of Mary, Call the Cattle Home! a fiery face with red whiskers appeared in the doorway, and requested the assem- bly to get out of here, as the milk-truck collected at 6.30. The Gradu- ation then dispersed into groups for gossip and refreshment, and two fights broke out; one between Eleanor Rafferty and Lucinda Bates, for a reason which was not clear to either of them, and one between Duke Mangold and Preston Winterseed as to whether they were tenors or contraltos. The Headmaster then remembered that the Graduation Ceremony had been accidentally forgotten, but, as the Cowshed was now fully occupied by the herd and the hired hands, and only two pupils had, in any case, qualified, it was decided to leave the presentation until the following year. As the moon rose over the Coca-Cola factory, and the bullfrogs in Stinking Swamp began their nightly chorus, another great day in the history of Education drew slowly to its close. Gub. Solve this Shakespearean Quotation For some time past, the senior forms of the school have been asked to pool their brains to solve a number of tests; one, for example, con- tained the names of 24 members of the Upper School, given in the form of Crossword Clues. A week was all that was necessary, in most cases, but one defeated all efforts for a fortnight, and then a very broad hint had to be given. It is repeated below in the hope that the younger members of the family, who by this time know the answer, will allow their seniors to writhe in their anguish. So as not to be too unkind, it must be made clear that there is no code employed, that