Saltus Grammar School - Yearbook (Hamilton, Bermuda)

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13 13. Are you allowed to go to bed before midnight? 14. How do you normally address a master — Bud; Hiya; Say; Sourpuss? — in any case, can you recognise a master? 15. When in the presence of a lady, do you (a) stand up; (b) lie down; (c) leap in the air? In each case, why? 16. How much pocket-money do you usually carry? If in excess of 50 dollars, please call at the Masters ' Common Room between the 17th. and the end of any current month. 17. Have you a girl-friend? If so, is she married or single? (The legal department will be interested). 18. Have you read a book? 19. Is your father in Real Estate? If so, would six years ' good re- ports make life easier for you — and the Staff? 20. Do you cheat systematically or spasmodically? (Use a diction- ary for the long words). Graduation Day at Parnassus (By ' Courtesy of Mid-Swamp Clarion and Tennessee Trumpet.) This historic ceremony took place on Thursday, December 16th., in the main Cowshed of Farmer Squash ' s property, before a large and appreciative audience of parents, staff, pupils, and alumni, with the addition of the Headmaster and Governing Body at the Milking End, and Buttercup, who, being in calf, could not safely be moved. At the commencement of the proceedings, the Headmaster rose to announce that the School Song would not this year be sung indoors, as the condition of the building gave rise to some anxiety. He then called upon the Chairman of the Governors, Senator Hayseed, to say a few words. The Senator rose, absent-mindedly reversing the hour- glass, and delivered himself of a Super-Gettysburg, in which he found time to include the Christmas attractions of his Dry-Goods Store, Russian propaganda, and his opinion of the Brooklyn Dodgers. There was a slight interruption at this moment, while Farmer Squash, who had been sitting with Buttercup, left hurriedly to phone the Vet. With one quarter of the sand to go, the Senator remembered Par- nassus. He announced with evident pride that he had lambasted the

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12 Questionnaire for (Im)Possible Entrants This is an age of Gallop Polls, I.Q. Tests, and statistical informa- tion of all sorts. Much of this is a burden, but it might be nice now and then to be able to discover what is behind — or in — the mind of Mother ' s Joy and Father ' s Hope about to enter the modern school. A practical list of questions is appended. 1. What do you intend to be? Have you made up your mind? Have you a mind? 2. Do you intend to graduate? Have you any idea what the word means ? 3. After you leave school, will you be maintained by your brains or your relations? 4. Is your ultimate intention to do something for yourself or the community ? (Use a dictionary to find out the meaning of community) 5. If Little Abner is your favourite reading, go home and ask your parents to send you on a farm. 6. Who are (a) The Pope; (b) President Eisenhower; (c) Sir Win- ston Churchill? If you score nought, you are not the stuff that Alumni are made of. 7. Do you usually wash after rising in the morning? 8. What is a comb? 9. Have you started referring to girls as dames ? If so, follow the instructions for Question 5, only choose a city as your back- ground. 10. Are you used to being beaten at home? If not, don ' t you think this would lend variety to your life? 11. Which of your parents does your homework? (This is most im- portant, in order that the source of the incorrect information should be punished). 12. What proportion of the food you carry about with you do you (a) eat; (b) throw on the ground; (c) put in the trashcan? If the answers to (b) and (c) are more than a quarter, follow the instructions for either Questions 5 or 9.

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14 pants off the Headmaster, Doctor Garlick, for stealing apples from his orchard forty-five years ago. There were faint signs that the Head- master was not amused. He then worked himself up into a lather of eulogy about Parnassus; he was proud to be called an alumnus of such a college; it was one of the inspirations of his life to be called an alumnus; doggone it, he almost wished he knew what the word meant! He recalled the time when he and Patty Griggs of the Post Office were the only pupils; Patty and he were — but at this moment the Vet arrived, and an interval was declared while Buttercup gave birth to her calf. On the resumption, there was a distinct odour of applejack, and the Headmaster rose to review the School Year. He spoke of the distinctions gained by Parnassus pupils at home and abroad; seven resident in Europe had been deported; Elmer Knickerbocker had been made a life-member of Alcatraz; Shirley Guggenheimer had recently divorced her fifth husband, and Earl Hoggins was third deputy body- guard to Senator McCarthy. Doctor Garlick then passed to the school ' s record of work, and stated with pride that all pupils now had slates, and he was hoping the Director of Education would be able within the next year or two to prevail upon Hiram P. Crackenbusch, the owner of the quarry, to have some pencils cut. Of the 75 pupils, 28 could definitely read words of two syllables. 52 were full-time, and 23 attended when they were not farming or looking after the baby. The Average Age of the school was slightly lower — 34, owing to the sad death of Floyd Washington Chalmers at the age of 92. In the Athletic Field, Amanda Wilks had been second in the Corn- Husking Contest, and Lincoln J. Arnold Junior had lasted two rounds in the preliminary eliminations to find an ultimate challenger for Rocky Marciano. They would all be glad to hear that his injuries were not fatal. At that moment Mrs. Mareotti, whose two sons, Paul and Barna- bas, 48 and 45 respectively, were graduating after thirty years at the college, set up an all-time record from the Cowshed to her home, from which a column of smoke was seen to be rising. The prize-giving was temporarily adjourned while those present formed a bucket-chain and put out a brisk fire in her kitchen. The Parnassus Choir, dressed all in white, with the exception of Dulciebelle Winters, who had had laundry trouble at the last minute, then grouped themselves at the Cheese-Making End, and rendered the School Song Floreat Parnassus (which they pronounced (Flooreet).