Saltus Grammar School - Yearbook (Hamilton, Bermuda)

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12 Questionnaire for (Im)Possible Entrants This is an age of Gallop Polls, I.Q. Tests, and statistical informa- tion of all sorts. Much of this is a burden, but it might be nice now and then to be able to discover what is behind — or in — the mind of Mother ' s Joy and Father ' s Hope about to enter the modern school. A practical list of questions is appended. 1. What do you intend to be? Have you made up your mind? Have you a mind? 2. Do you intend to graduate? Have you any idea what the word means ? 3. After you leave school, will you be maintained by your brains or your relations? 4. Is your ultimate intention to do something for yourself or the community ? (Use a dictionary to find out the meaning of community) 5. If Little Abner is your favourite reading, go home and ask your parents to send you on a farm. 6. Who are (a) The Pope; (b) President Eisenhower; (c) Sir Win- ston Churchill? If you score nought, you are not the stuff that Alumni are made of. 7. Do you usually wash after rising in the morning? 8. What is a comb? 9. Have you started referring to girls as dames ? If so, follow the instructions for Question 5, only choose a city as your back- ground. 10. Are you used to being beaten at home? If not, don ' t you think this would lend variety to your life? 11. Which of your parents does your homework? (This is most im- portant, in order that the source of the incorrect information should be punished). 12. What proportion of the food you carry about with you do you (a) eat; (b) throw on the ground; (c) put in the trashcan? If the answers to (b) and (c) are more than a quarter, follow the instructions for either Questions 5 or 9.

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11 The Chamber of Horrors A library is normally an unexciting room, reminding one of one ' s ignorance and misspent years. At Saltus, it ia anything but that. Ad- ministered by a member of the staff known as The Bookworm , duo to his violent attacks upon that pestilential little caterpillar, and two henchmen, one distinguished by all the essential attributes of a Town Crier, this room is certainly the most dramatic centre of the school. It was early realized that it proved a convenient refuge for those who disliked fresh air, or wished to do each other ' s homework, and steps were taken. Eventually, there actually entered some who wished to read a book. Their sense of direction was elementary, witness the boy who, having been told where A was, and to follow the clock, returned some five minutes later with Please, Sir, I can ' t find J! That being so, it was most necessary to make the school familiar with a room containing books. The Upper School had a Quiz, the answers to which could only be obtained by searching the shelves; thus, to the surprise of many, it was found that the London Times had been present for weeks, that the illustrations to A. A. Milne ' s books were quite delightful, and that Bermuda actually had its own authors. Then there came the Extra Fatigue Squad, designed for the Habit- ual Evildoer. The Bookworm foolishly volunteered to accept a batch of these menaces, and week by week they arrived to do their worst. One week they would De-bug the books, but were found to be incap- able of recognising a bookworm when they had dislodged one; the next, they would be put on to gumming damaged books, the highspot being the earnest and regular attendant who succeeded in gluing together two volumes from different shelves, and the copy of the Times put on the table to protect its surface. The normal limit for retaining books is a week, in the interests of others; but we still have our dreamers, who discover that they Have kept two volumes for five weeks, and are faced by the equivalent of The National Debt. Our chief worry is the amount of empty space on the shelves, and how much better the room would look if all the Un- wanteds at home could be given to the school for the general good! THE BOOKWORM .

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13 13. Are you allowed to go to bed before midnight? 14. How do you normally address a master — Bud; Hiya; Say; Sourpuss? — in any case, can you recognise a master? 15. When in the presence of a lady, do you (a) stand up; (b) lie down; (c) leap in the air? In each case, why? 16. How much pocket-money do you usually carry? If in excess of 50 dollars, please call at the Masters ' Common Room between the 17th. and the end of any current month. 17. Have you a girl-friend? If so, is she married or single? (The legal department will be interested). 18. Have you read a book? 19. Is your father in Real Estate? If so, would six years ' good re- ports make life easier for you — and the Staff? 20. Do you cheat systematically or spasmodically? (Use a diction- ary for the long words). Graduation Day at Parnassus (By ' Courtesy of Mid-Swamp Clarion and Tennessee Trumpet.) This historic ceremony took place on Thursday, December 16th., in the main Cowshed of Farmer Squash ' s property, before a large and appreciative audience of parents, staff, pupils, and alumni, with the addition of the Headmaster and Governing Body at the Milking End, and Buttercup, who, being in calf, could not safely be moved. At the commencement of the proceedings, the Headmaster rose to announce that the School Song would not this year be sung indoors, as the condition of the building gave rise to some anxiety. He then called upon the Chairman of the Governors, Senator Hayseed, to say a few words. The Senator rose, absent-mindedly reversing the hour- glass, and delivered himself of a Super-Gettysburg, in which he found time to include the Christmas attractions of his Dry-Goods Store, Russian propaganda, and his opinion of the Brooklyn Dodgers. There was a slight interruption at this moment, while Farmer Squash, who had been sitting with Buttercup, left hurriedly to phone the Vet. With one quarter of the sand to go, the Senator remembered Par- nassus. He announced with evident pride that he had lambasted the