Rutgers Medical School - Aesculapian Yearbook (Newark, NJ)

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JEFFREY OPPENHEIM The entire right half of me was cold. Right toes, right leg, right torso, right arm, right hand, right fingers, right ear, right scalp - all frigid. I will pretend nothing un- usual has happened and it will go away, I said, but it didn't. Three days later, my entire right half was covered with goose pimples, which I tried to conceal by presenting only my left profile to family and public. I began walking sideways, left half forward. It was very awkward at cocktail parties, where people kept trying to maneuver around to my goose-pimple side. It was also very cold. My left side remained as warm as ever, but the cold on the right side intensified. When I clutched a drink in my right hand the ice cubes got bigger instead of melting. I saw a doctor. He was de- lighted. You must be a very rich man, he said. Far from it, I told him. 'Then you are in way over your head, he sa-id, his de- light fading in a frown. With X 3 'sx ig 'gl'- x 5 . . w ' ' . 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You mean back on my feet. On your foot, said the doctor. In a semi-ectomy, we remove the patient's entire right half. I asked how much a semi- ectorry cost. If you have to ask, the doctor said, you can't afford-one. I told the doctor how much money was in the bank. I-Ie became' irritable. You'ves got some nerve, he said, coming in here with a case of dexter fridge when you can't even afford a mild heart attack. James Grashow Dexter fridge Russell 'Baker I apologized. You wouldn't go to Cartier's with a pocket- ful of subway tokens and expect them to sell you a dia- mond necklace, said the doc- tor, 'fbut you walk in here without enough money to af- ford an infected pimple and you expect to walk out with a sem-i-ectomy. It angered me. I said, I-Iah! I d'idn't need his super- luxury semi-ectomy, I would go to England where they had socialized medicine and get one free. Don't be foolish, he cau- tioned. Stay in America where you can get the best medical care in the world. What good was the best if only the richest could af- ford it, I asked. 'I'he doctor's tone changed. My boy, he said, be rea- sonable. Don't take on ill- nesses like dexter fridge, coronary thrombosis and kid- ney failure if you can't swing them at the bank. Be modest. Put enough money aside to pay for something in your in- come range and when you come into the hospital with it, you'll come with the as- surance that you're going to enjoy the best medical care in the world. In the end he was kind I-Ie went over current hospi- tal and medical costs with me, analyzed my financial situation and suggested that in five years, if I was frugal and took no vacations, I would be -able to afford cata- racts, a peptic ulcer or a com- minuted fracture of the shin bone. The family, as you may imagine, was not pleased when I told them what we were saving for. Why should I be entitled to wallow in the excellence of American medi- cal care when nobody else had even had a trip totVen-ice, they asked. Families can be terribly selfish when the luxuries are being parceled out. As I write this, I amwear- ing half an Eskimo suit lined with half an electric blanket. It covers my entire right half. This is very comfortable in the privacy of the writing cell, but when I wear it in the streets, as I must, people stare disconcertingly, particu- larly in the summer when my left half is clothed in light linens. I hope soon to be free of it. An extremely rich woman who has had, done and seen absolutely everything wrote recently that she heard I have a very expensive case of dexter fridge. She wants to buy it so she will have something to talk about in Nassau after her semi-ectomy. If her price is right, I may be able to afford both a fam- ily trip to Venice and a new strain of viral pneumonia. I

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JOHN MUELLER May 16, 1948: The Beginning. Englewood, N. J. June 1966: High School Diploma Morristown High School Morristown, N. J. June 1970: B.A. Rutgers College Rutgers-The State University New Brunswick, N. J. May 1973: M.M.S. C.M.D.N.J. - Rutgers Medical School Piscataway, N.J. June 1975: M.D. . C.M.D.N.J. - Rutgers Medical School Piscataway, N. J. The Future: Family Medicine CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE lf a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, He learns to fight. lf a child lives with ridicule, He learns to be shy. lf a child lives with shame, He learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, He learns to be patient. lf a child lives with-encouragement, He learns confidence. lf a child lives with praise, He learns to appreciate. lf a child lives with fairness, He learns justice. lf a child lives with security, He learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, He learns to like himself. lf a child lives with acceptance and friendship He learns to find love in the world. - Dorothy Law-Nolte . ,W . 1 .il in 'vhs' 'NA 1 , A ls

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