Ramage (DDG 61) - Naval Cruise Book

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Coming Home A WARNING to famil and friends.. You will soon have your loved ones at home again. They have been living in an extremely crude environtnent for quite some time and will require time to adjust to their former lifestyles. The key to help them through this difficult time is Patience. Remain calm if they mix mashed potatoes with chocolate pudding. stir coffee with a finger or ballpoint pen, or call as though someone was going to steal their food. Bear with them if they walk out to the back patio and throw the trash 'over the side' into the yard. Don't be alarmed when they walk through a door and duck their head and raise their feet because it's not a neurotic condition, it's just the way they've been walking for the past couple of months. Show no surprise if they accuse the grocer of being a thief. argue with the sales clerk about the price ofeach item, or try to sell cigarettes to the newsboy on the low. Their digestive tract also requires some adjustment. For the first week, all vegetables must be boiled until they're colorless and falling apart. Eggs must be tinged with a shade of green and be runny, bacon nearly raw or overcooked, and all other meats must be extremely well done. Have beef for the first five or six days, calling it roast beef the first night, braized beef the second, beeftips the third, beef stew the fourth, etc, If milk is served it should be at room temperature and slightly diluted with water. lf they prefer to eat meals while sitting next to the trashcan, don't be concerned, they've grown used to the smell. and that it may take awhile for normal tastebuds to return. The first few nights, wake them every three or four hours. Tell them they are late for the mid-watch in the backyard. They'll understand because they've been doing somethingjust as crazy for the past couple of months. Under no circumstances should they be allowed to get a complete nights sleep during this critical adjustment time. Their daily routine may seem strange to you, especially when they wake everyone at six in the morning screaming Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out! Just smile. nod and make sure everyone is up and on the back porch at seven ten for muster, instruction, and inspection. Then late in the afternoon, humor them when they walk around the house closing all the windows and doors reporting to you that modified zebra is set throughout the house. After sundown. don't argue with them when they yell at you for opening up the window blinds while 'darken house' is set. Their language may seem foreign and you may not understand all the terms they use. It isn't necessary that you do,just smile and be pleasant. Some of the terms you might hear are: 'turn-to'. 'sweepers sweepers', fmen working aloft', 'this is a drill', 'freshwater washdownf 'FWDXAFT VCHT is secured until further notice' NEVER make favorable references towards the leadership structure. To do so will illicit an extremely loud, violent and profane outburst which will continue for hours and even days to come. The bathroom is quite possibly the most dangerous place in the house for your returnee. Before their arrival. strip the bathroom of all accessories such as towels. bathmats, and any other toiletry items. Crack the mirror and run water on the fioor. Toilet paper is optional. but if it is furnished it must be placed in a puddle on the floor. Wait until they're in the shower soaped up and turn off all the water for fifteen minutes. All of these precautions are imperative because if they walk into a bathroom which is complete with the above mentioned items. they may shrink into a corner and curl into a fetal position, wide-eyed and shaking. If this happens, there are only two proven and accepted methods of snapping them out ofit. Yell either f'Mail Call or Liberty Call. In either case. stay clear ofthe doorway. 7 jf X .. ,,... , ' VV 'Y W ia . 1 W H f '7-fZ74l1Q,Tr' ff f. M, ..v, . . w, A 0. '15, .ac r 5 UW M ' zigzag fi . W f V,,. fs f y .cn , Qc g- - , . a ' 4 . Q. X QL I, Vw gui' .. . .. X fi

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ie Want to know about it? Tr this .... L. . . p 5 15 Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet r oor with a ctirtarril. Havc sorncouc whip open the curtain about three hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight ru your tacc and say Sorry, wrong rack. I 25 Renovate your bathroom, which should now be called the 'Head'. Build a wall across thc middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you showcr. uiakc sure you shut off the water while soaping up. 35 When there is a thunderstorm in the area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are nauseous. Have a supply of crackers readily available in your pocket. 45 Put motor oil in your humidifier and crank it to 'High ' ' ' ' ' - f 1 1 A 'ddle of the 55 Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played during tic nu c night. Have your famiy vote on what movie to watch and then show a dirleient onc. ' ' ' ' ' 1 h ' t da f 65 For Engineering: Leave your lawnmower running in your living room erg it ours '1 . y 75 Have the mailman give you a haircut 85 Once a week, blow compressed air into your c imney, ma 1 g onto your neighbors house. Ignore their complaints. 95 Buy a trash compactor but use it once a week. Store up the garbage on the other side of the head. 105 Make up your family menu a week ahead of time, and do so without looking in your cabinets h' k'n sure the wind carries the soot or refrigerator. 115 Set your alarm clock to go off at a random time during the night. When it goes off, get up and get dressed as fast as you can, being sure to button the top button of your shirt and stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into your backyard and uncoil the garden hose. 125 Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. 135 Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee per pot and allow each pot to sit for at least five hours. 145 Invite eighty-five people to come over and visit for a couple of months. 155 Install a florescent lamp under your coffee table and lie under it to read books. 165 Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or bang your head on the sill everytime you pass through one of them. 175 Lockwire the lug nuts on your car. 185 When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan when it's in the oven. Spread the icing really thick on one side to level off the top. 195 Every so often, throw your catfdog into a swimming pool and shout Man overboard, starboard side!! Then run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans, and dishes off the counter and onto the floor. Yell at your wife andlor children for not having the kitchen stowed for sea. 205 Puton the headphones for a stereo but donlt plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a stung. Go and stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular, Stove manned and ready. Stand there for three hours, then say once again to no one in particular, f4Stove secured. Roll up the headphone cord and put the headphone and paper cup in a box. 1 . ,.-ly. 1 I -4-.

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