Princeton University - Nassau Herald Yearbook (Princeton, NJ)

Page 20 text:

WAsHrNGToN's BIRTHDAY ORATION. I9 tragically exclaim, 'K Paraskovopolis has beaten Greece, but I have conquered the worldf' I Such modesty, and in a man so great. U I did it with my little l1atchet, cried George 'Washing- ton, but Pigeon Wreiin said, with my good right arm I smote them, hip and thigh. just as the noble knights of the Crusaders scattered death and destruction around the walls of jerusalem, thus did I hurl the town muckers to the four winds of heaven. Then peacefully imprinting the Sesquicentennial kiss upon the rescued maiden's brow, I gallantly ushered her down johnts alley. Therels 'fPoke Evans, the man of iron nerve, who dares to call a ten cent bet on aces full of queens, and grace- fully informs the Mills Meeting Committee if they want to hold a prayer meeting in his room, he does not give a damn. H Poke Evans and good old solid English are inseparable, and so is Sankey and that 'Varsity P. How about that? Please show it to the ladies, Sank. Oh, I see you are all dressed up to-day. It's too bad, Sank, that you cannot wear it, you would feel so proud! They do say, Sank, that you wear 'varsity monograms on your dress suit, and even dye that mustache a delicate orange hue. It was a proud moment for Lord Dunraven Ira Allen Sankey when he first donned that ,varsity sweater and stood before the assembled multitude Hthe observed of all observers. Prouder was the moment when Fred Smithwon his first 'varsity cap. The-first chance Fred got he wore it home to astonish the nativesfand advertise the fact that he was a Princeton man. But H pride goeth before a fall,l' and Fred tumbled in the jersey City station, when a 'chollie' boy addressed him brusquely, U Porter! Porter! come lift me blawsted luggage into me bloomin' cartf' Loyalty is a very good disease, but there's danger in the remedy. Willie Wilson never takes any medicine for his trouble, for lying is chronic in Williels case.

Page 19 text:

18 THE NAssAU HERALD. H We meet lneath the sounding rafters. Yes, yonder are the same old rafters, and here are we to commemorate the birth of him who was First in War, Second in Peace, and Third in the Hearts of his Countrymenf' a When George hrst clapped his optics on this mundane sphere he was but a mere youth, but, unlike Bunnie Hutch- inson and Marbles, attained the full stature of manhood at the age of sixteen. These two diminutive brownies, after getting outside of large wads of sterilized milk, H-O and them fat'nin' foods, tripped gaily gymward in hopes that vigorous exercise might add perchance one cubit to their stature. Mr. Goldie did not see it that way. He threw them both out, and left them to nurse their poor bruised bodies, remarking to Ned Shortz, the shot-putter: those tow11 kids will be the death of me yetf' ' Geo. Washington,s early life was spent in throwing cold hands with Pop Keener, and chasing the fleeting deer over the virgin hills of Virginia. Spot Stahl never chased any- thing but a can. Washington made Cornwallis eat such large, luscious slices of American crow, that Shi Thompson's grandest feats of gormandizing would be as the iiame of the light- ning-bug to the glorious effnlgence of the noon-day sun. W'ashington showed that he was a good sailor by tying the British Lionls tail into any number of hard and difficult knots, and Bill Church told me on the quiet that it would be fourteen thousand seventeen hundred and ninety-six years before he would get them untied. Georgels name will be handed down to posterity, but let us not forget that Ninety-Seven has lasting -names,--names that will not only be written high upon our Country's tablets of honor, but also be left unerased on Jimmie Calhounls slate. W3Sl1i11gtO11 was a great man, but so was Robert Garrett. For did not Bob, after the Athenian games

Page 21 text:

zo THE NASSAU HERALD. There's an Ananias for your money, a real polished eighteen karat, gilt-edged, up-to-date bender of the truth. It's no trouble to show goods, and here's one of Wil1ie's maiden efforts, for the night was young when it was told. 'K Fellows, a strange thing happened to me while I was duck shooting on the Great Salt Lake, in ,Utah. The morning was stormy so I took a can of oil to keep down the waves. The oil worked like a charm until the sneak- box sprung a leak. I was half a mile from shore. Deep water was under me. All seemed lost. HA sudden thought cam.e to me. I emptied the can, placed it to my lips, and sank to the bottom as the boat went down. Feeling some- what tired after my exertions, I sat down upon a rock to rest. Then, taking a long deep breath from the can, I walked to the shore. The air tasted a little oily, but I could not complain, as that air saved my life. Willie, the Lord loves a cheerful liar. Maybe Washington did not lie, but I'll bet three sus- pender buttons and one of Padgett's brass knuckles against Mother Bedford's propensity for boot licking that 'he smoked, and it was cigarettes at that. Speaking of smoking, I am reminded of Hick Smythls first trip to Trenton. After looking over the I' Cotel' House, Hick took a cyar N down town to see the elephant. He soon hankered after a smoke, and, pushing open the doo ofa segar stoo H, 'fbotel' a cigar. Here I-Iick's trouble began. That cigar refused to smoke. A mustard plaster could not have drawn harder than Hick, but the cigar was obstinate. His southern mad got up and he rushed wildly back into the store, only to meet the re- mark : 4' Bite the end off, sonny. Hick took the kind advice, and then discovered an alcohol lamp on the show- case. . l Leaning over the flame, Hick started his bellows working for all they were worth, but the only thing he succeeded in