Princeton University - Nassau Herald Yearbook (Princeton, NJ)

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W THE NASSAU HERALD. 23 came to the conclusion that you had been misplaced by one' of the assistants. So you escaped, but in order to prevent such a catastrophe in the future, take this useful article of furniture. Darius Greene spits only when he smokes cigar- ettes, and you will do well to follow his example. Our LITERARY sAMsoNs will now please take the floor. Ethelbert Dudley W,2.l'flGld and Williaiii Gilbert Sutphen. Doc, you have an awful tongue, and the worst of it is, you can't keep it quiet. By giving away the Lit. prizemen, you developed more of the latent profanity in Judge's guileless nature than the grading system ever did. You can talk longer and say less. than George Day in a political speech. You are pretty conscien- tious, and won't read what Jack Bryan calls sexual litera- ture, on Sunday. But it was stretching -things a little, to say that you read Addison, and the other classical writers, every day of your life. U Don't you think tho, Doc ? You are as great an authority on Kentucky short-horns as Ike Taylor is on billiards. Your story in the Princezfonicm, entitled 'tLeft, wasnlt nearly so good as you thought it, and you found yourself in that very predicament when your uncle said it was the poorest thing he ever saw. It was almost equal to Trotter Woods' terrible adventure with the angle- worms. Just take this magniicent pin set with salires. Is this a Tiger I see before me? Billy, we have listened this afternoon to your 4' inarticulate wailing with a great deal of interest. You are a peculiar boy, but not half as peculiar as you would like to be. You are one ofthose who sit up late and smoke borrowed cigarettes and take a glass of plain soda in the morning to clear the head, you know. A sort of universal genius, just crowded to death with lite- rary work, with just a moment to sit down and scribble off a number of the Tiger, or a play for the Whig Hall Theat- ricals. But you shouldn't loaf around all next day telling about how much you have to do, and how you don't do it.

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22 THE NASSAU HERALD. . historian, so the job of telling the customary lies on the fellows was given to the present encumbrance. I have pro- cured a copy of the scurrilous publication for you, and have carefully marked the chapter and verse that gives Potter away so cold. But misfortunes, like base hits off our pitcher, never come single, and I'm new compelled to introduce Eddy, who is probably bored at not having been mentioned first. Ed knows hens not as handsome as Heins Welles, especially with his head shaved. I-Ie had this done, I'm told, in self-defence, to keep the girls from doting on him. ' I call particular attention to the development of the neck. In comparison with that of our Master of Ceremonies, it seems to be less abnormal, and shows a high degree of cultivation. He isn't easily bored. This was evident, when, after the Brown boys had pounded him for fifteen base hits, with a total of twenty- one, he said he didn't take much credit for the defeat. But Ed., how about the day Jim Banister beat you so badly at lawn tennis, and then told you it was hard luck, Eddy ? I believe you were bored that day. You may now describe the ftdown and out, and take this with you to practice up for Jim. John Grier has outlived his mashing days, and now deliv- ers lectures on matters of etiquette and decorum to young ladies frivolcusly inclined. In this he is as successful as Horace Emmons in his celebrated minstrel joke about the young men's intellects, or as Sleepy Wilson in an argument with the General. You will pardon me, Doc, for relating that thrilling adventure of yours in the Library, but I do so for the beneit of the unvvary. I suppose youuwere wander- ing about frantically, striving to unravel the mysteries ofthe alcoves. You were about to give vent to your feelings in a mild cuss-word, and so made a preparatory spit, which, as luck would have it, went straight through the floor, and landed on Freddy's head. No one can help admiring your presence of mind, in stowing yourself away in one of the empty shelves. Freddy came up and hunted for you, but

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24 THE NASSAU HERALD. - Then, too, you like to be mysterious. No one could ever see why you used to comb your hair as Nance I-Iallock does, unless you were writing poetry. Then for several days at a time you would walk the streets, speaking to no one, ex- cept to borrow a cigarette in an absent sort of a way. Your managementof the finances of the Lit. was not as success- ful as that of the Lit. supper, though you couldn't get Mr. Martinelli to leave the dress suits of the waiters for your benefit, and Mr. Sturtevant wouldntt let you have the night-key. ' But the crowning mystery of all was your great, un- spoken Chapel stage on The Fair Crod's Return. Who the said Fair God was, or why or when he was to return, no one could ever find out. I have solved the mystery, however, and I think you'll find he will return as often as you press this spring. In view ofthe slight benefit certain members of the Class have derived from their course, the Faculty has kindly voted them drawbacks on the fee for diplomas. These have been appropriated, as is usual in such cases, by the Treasurer to the purchase of I A FEW SUITABLE PRESENTS, which I shall now distribute. They are for Scrute Ruther- furd, Jeremiah Clinton Cromer, Phoebus Hemphill, Alf Mills, .Ieems Monroe Banister, E. Ross Jackman, Billy Baker, Walter Acker, Senator Cr. D. Browne, Abe S. Bick- ham, Darius Greene, and Burt Chamberlin. It will be seen from the mixed character of this assemblage, that in award- ing these honors no regard whatever has been had to moral character or family connections. Scrute, I suppose, hasn't forgotten the oral he had with the intellectual Princeton damsel down at a reception of the stalwart Greek Electives. He felt more than ever like answering 'C not prepared, especially when she struck ethics and psychology. She might as well have