Princeton University - Nassau Herald Yearbook (Princeton, NJ)

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30 5 THE Nassa U HERALD. is there any record of it. Yet I don' t think there's much foun- dation for the story that Billy was born in the first geological ages5 that he used to heave chunks of Silurian rocks and bits of Devonian sandstone at the first reptiles 5 pitched pennies with the Cave-dwellers5 and when the coal deposits of Pennsylvania were being made, he was there making himself generally useful, boosting the megatheriums up apple trees, to keep them out of harm, s way, and still allow them to enjoy the performance5 that he played foot-ball with the plesiosaurs against a picked team of trilobites, echinoderins and salamandroids 5 that he sold the game for a twelve-dollar office to a big gasterpod, who was trying for the third time toget in a clam-shell I that did not fit him 5 and that the Billy which we now see is but the dried-up stalk or sawed-oif stump of some primeval, giant. Caddy Vinton started that story, and it sounds just like his old hermit. yarns- I don, t believe a word of it. Billy, fill out this birth-certificate. Billyis not old: he's young and tender 5 not half as tough as Smike Johnson. Yet if you're afraid to risk eating Billy, take any of the other fellows, Paton, Scribner, any of them 5 but please spare me our three I t I FUNNY MEN, 5 Cnr wits, Stanley, Vlforl, and Cavin, and send them up 5 I have something nice for them. I don' t remember where I ever saw three more intelligent faces. I hardly ought to have called Stanley with this crowd, for heis only witty when not hungry, and always hungry 5 but I knew he, d like to come along with Eli. They were once such close friends 5 listened to each other, s oft-told, ,long-winded, rambling yarns and ancient, pointless jokes 5 visited' each other, and, I'm sorry to say, some of us, at all hours of the night, and never knew when to go 5 and when shipped in Soph. year, they lived together in Philadelphia for a whole month-water-crackers twice a day, and pick your teeth in front of the Continental. Then jealousy arose 5 each grew envious of the other's growing reputation as a wit5 they quar- reled. Stanley took a new departnre5 became tone 3 3' hong-lit an ulster because, as he told the tailor, 4' all toney tellows wbre

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5 THE NASSA U HERALD. 29 rampant roaring lion, seeking what he may devour. He got his title from a place not a thousand miles away from New York City. That night -the Duke had on his War-paint and feathers 5 and, presuming that helll be on the War-path again to- night, I got 'him these. I Howard Bratton is the next. This delicate-featured female is, .as most of you have surmised, 'Her Majesty, the Queen of the Cannibal ,Islands Jersey, get the old .lady a chair 5 'give her- this fan and smelling-bottle, and let her sit down While We get her some more things. I hopenone of you fellows in the front seats Will try to make af' mash U on her Majesty5 but I can't trust any of you,,eXcept Schirmer, Who, since his little episode With Duncan, has been very shy of K mashesf' 5 For your Majesty I have a dainty little gift 5 in fact, three bona fide live missionaries! You don't believe me ? Then I'll show them to- you. 'Will MacGarvey, please get up on a piece of paper and see that Leal, Cliphant, and Billy Miller are sent out here. Here they are, all Warranted' fresh: a feast fit for the gods lf' Take ' em. Youid better eat Cliphant as soon as you get home 5 he'll make a nice meal for a quiet little, tea-party of four or five. You heathens ought to hate him, for oh l but he does hate you- sends you Greek Testaments, Truth-Seeker, tracts, and all such things, to Worry you 5 amuse yourself with these. Before- you make Way With Jack Leal, let him get off the ffManiac. ' He does it up in more style when he-has this dressing-gown on. I Would ask Jack to favor 'us with it now, but there is no lounge here for Butch to.craWl under again 5 and Cow Warren, too, might get scared, run over to his room, shut his door, pull his bed up against it, and act as' he did when the burglar Was in the N Nassau. J ack will make you a fine homjoininy,j pie --and you're quite fond of that. He Won, t taste of bad tobacco and Whiskey, like Cliphant or Gregory, the man who takes chemistry and fusil oil. And Billy, there 5 Won' t he make a splendid strictly orthodox, A No. 1 veal pie! Feel his ribs. And right here I'd like to correct a general impression that exists in college in regard to Billy Miller's age. ,T is true no one remembers his birth5 nor- 0

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THE NASSA U HERJILD. 31 ulstersg ' and when the rats ate that ulster, it broke Stanley's heart. Eli has never changed in the least. VV ill not you two gladden our hearts on this great day by being friendly again and kissing each other, or at least by shaking hands. At any rate, Stanley, take this volume entitled U How to' get Strong -not too strong, but just strong enough to play first base on the Uni- versity Nine. And, Eli, although I know 'you're anxious to tell us of Moriartyis ghost that goes 't Oi, Ai, Ouf' But we' ve heard of' it a couple dozen times 5 we know it by heart, and it's as long, though not as pointed,'as 'Linn's ears. Take these new joke books, and this which I trustpneeds no explanation. Now, Cavin here, is ravishingly comic at all times-chiefly at examination times. His jokes are of a practical sort. His kindly humor comes sometimes from his coat-pocket, and some- times from his sleeve-in either case, equally enjoyable. Since he has been in college, he . hasn' t had a fair chance to show just what a man of his genius can do. He is a master in his art, and has a great crowd of imitators. He is a model, his wit is simple, delicately finished, never personal. VV hy, he would not for an instant think of comparing the head of any member of the Faculty with the top of a full-grown cabbage plant, nor would he ask 'Blee to explain his Here and There. 'And 'on Wednesday he will no doubt get his reward, a dip., a trophy of his skill and power as a genuine humorist 5- to-day he will get these. QCrib, with atty's astronomical cuffs, dtcj Now, my dear classmates, to you and this patient aunience, I give my last gif't+a long-needed-Rest.