Princeton University - Nassau Herald Yearbook (Princeton, NJ)

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24 I THE NASSA U IIERALD. 1 live on phosphorus for the next couple of centuries, eat fish, parlor matches, dmc., and begin on these. I forgot to say that in the highest flights of philosophy the Ding au Sich 7' is per- fectly at home. 'The infinite, the unknown and the unknowable are just his meat. But here is a philosopher of a different stamp '-one who deals with practical questions. He is, as you per- ceive, an Ohio man, and remarkable in that he is the only Ohioan who to-day is not holding or running for an office. I must beg his pardon for calling him a Darwinian, for that might imply that he is notstrictly original in his views 5 yet he resem- bles Mr. Darwin in not having any troublesome religious views, in loving to wrestle with the question of the descent of man, and in having framed a grand hypothesis in connection with that subject. ' His hypothesis is as follows: From the great Hrst germ to the perfect type of -manhood he finds but four steps. Hirst. From the primordial Ileibnitzian mound to the tumble- bug. Secondly. From the tumble-bug to the Ohio man. Thirdly. From the Ohio man tothe chimpanzee. Fourzfltly and lastly. From the chimpanzee to that awful height upon which, in lov- ing embrace, with arms around each other's necks, stand J ack .Van Dyke, Heineken and Fatty White. For that hypothesis I have nothing but praise, yet how, O John Charles 'Fremont, .according to it do you evolve this gum-belt upon which'D1'. Brackett kept you working for six long weeks ? Every day the Doctor added another pound weight .to the belt, and every day you remeasured it, until at last your failing health compelled you to drop physics and take history. Take it, J011115 and, in connection with your philosophical studies, resume your physi- cal researches, and report to usat the next centennia.l. Next will appear'Sam Maires, our great A r MUsroIAN, K' who, has practiced on the violin for thirteen years, with slight improvement. He used to take lessons in a place called Trentoii 3 go down there every Saturday, and come up in the Owl 3'-' until his class officer, getting wind of it, summoned Sain, alwuuggrl hilu of frequenting Trenton 3 and when Sam explained that he went

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THE NASSA U HERALD. 23 This is Hedges--a man of unspeakable depravity. I can't see where he got moral character enough to be a J. O. He is as noisy as Henderson, as cheeky as Fred Clark, and hasn't the kind, paternal look of Brotherlin and Butch Bryan. tHe has had more roommates than any other man in college, and to-day those roommates Qwith. the exception of Jack Lealj are moral wrecks--all through Hedgeis influence. Ellis, not only did you assail Leal's impregnable virtue and render thoroughly vicious the pure minds of Voorhis, Jersey here and the ven- erable f'Peter Cooper, but on last 22d of February you tried to corrupt the college in wholesale style by defaming and ridi- culing the character of X George BWV. Your profane remarks were properly frowned' upon by the Faculty. But, Hedges, don't you remember how, a couple i of thousand years ago, the Athen- ians got even with a bad old man who corrupted their youth? Know you not that history repeats itself? That to every Soc- rates, to every corrupter of youth, there comes at last a Xantippe and a bad dose of hemlock? I have tried to do the square thing by you. Williiigly would I have procured you both, but, thank heaven,.the race of Xantippes hasdisappeared, and I have for you only this draught of hemlock. Drink it this evening, and, if it don' t prove fatal, come around in the morn- ing, and I'll give you an order on a lumber yard at the basin. .Next in order come our b .- T sAGEs. The Ding an Sich and the great Darwinian. The Ding an Sichv is famous for a good many things, principally for being able to talk longer, say less and make his meaning more unin- telligible than any person-not a member of the Faculty. Some have been cruel enough to insinuate that the Ding, cite., doesn't mean anything when he talks, but talks only that he may hear the sound of his own sweet voice-and it is a sweet voice-yet I don't feel like turning him loose upon this audi- ence. For you, Weed, I had thought of getting a piece of tongue 5 but I reflected that tongue wasn' t what you needed-a little brains was your most pressing want, and a supply of brain- food would be a perfect godsend to you. Take my advice, then 5

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THE NASSA U HEIRALD. 25 on business, Dr. Atwater only said, with ja mournful sigh, Uh, Mr. Maires, they all tell me thatf, That stopped those trips. But Sam' s strong point is difficult passages from the old masters and elsewhere. There he excels. He practices them regularly. Every morning he awakens the slumbering echoes in the cellar of lVitherspoon, and a little later appears to receive the congratu- lations of his friends upon his good luck 5 a sight which moved the stony-hearted Poller Greene to express his joy in an epitaph, which I have nottime to give. Nor, Sam, have I forgotten how, in a Fresh. year prayer-meeting, you warmed up, and asked that there might be a little maiden for each one of us. Nor how the fervent amen that came from your enraptured classmates, showed what a tender chord you had touched. As your little maiden does not seem to have appeared yet, console. yourself with this one and these musical instruments Qfiddle and P. P. P. PJ Now we are ready' for Boss Ingram and William J. Gibson. Boss, besides running an extensive Sunday-school on days when it doesn't rain pitchforks, has done a great many wonderful things. I once saw him try to jump across Stony Brook. I-Ie did it in two jumps. The lirst jump left him in three feet of cold, running water. Boss excels as an ' ORATOR, though not in the same line with Governor, who, before the late election, addressed a crowd of Princeton darkies as follows: N Friends, brothers, fellow-citizens, for I guess Ican call you fellow-citizens, as the Democrats ,haven't disfranchised me yet. Friends, I come from Pennsylvany, and Pennsylvany is a mighty good State to come from. Then the Governor, as usual, jumped the track, and with sixty-three double gestures and twenty-seven single ones, pra.ised some great Republican for being, all by him- self, a brilliant galaxy of shining satellites, and wound up by describing that wonderful animal called a collateral votef' and the process of N perforation. No wonder the Democrats carried that election. Nor can Boss talk as fast as Billy Miller did about Cuba, nor does he pronounce his English after the manner of Eddy, the wild Syrian, the hungry scientif. Boss, mark Febru-