Princeton University - Nassau Herald Yearbook (Princeton, NJ)

Page 25 text:

THE NASSA U HERALD. 23 This is Hedges--a man of unspeakable depravity. I can't see where he got moral character enough to be a J. O. He is as noisy as Henderson, as cheeky as Fred Clark, and hasn't the kind, paternal look of Brotherlin and Butch Bryan. tHe has had more roommates than any other man in college, and to-day those roommates Qwith. the exception of Jack Lealj are moral wrecks--all through Hedgeis influence. Ellis, not only did you assail Leal's impregnable virtue and render thoroughly vicious the pure minds of Voorhis, Jersey here and the ven- erable f'Peter Cooper, but on last 22d of February you tried to corrupt the college in wholesale style by defaming and ridi- culing the character of X George BWV. Your profane remarks were properly frowned' upon by the Faculty. But, Hedges, don't you remember how, a couple i of thousand years ago, the Athen- ians got even with a bad old man who corrupted their youth? Know you not that history repeats itself? That to every Soc- rates, to every corrupter of youth, there comes at last a Xantippe and a bad dose of hemlock? I have tried to do the square thing by you. Williiigly would I have procured you both, but, thank heaven,.the race of Xantippes hasdisappeared, and I have for you only this draught of hemlock. Drink it this evening, and, if it don' t prove fatal, come around in the morn- ing, and I'll give you an order on a lumber yard at the basin. .Next in order come our b .- T sAGEs. The Ding an Sich and the great Darwinian. The Ding an Sichv is famous for a good many things, principally for being able to talk longer, say less and make his meaning more unin- telligible than any person-not a member of the Faculty. Some have been cruel enough to insinuate that the Ding, cite., doesn't mean anything when he talks, but talks only that he may hear the sound of his own sweet voice-and it is a sweet voice-yet I don't feel like turning him loose upon this audi- ence. For you, Weed, I had thought of getting a piece of tongue 5 but I reflected that tongue wasn' t what you needed-a little brains was your most pressing want, and a supply of brain- food would be a perfect godsend to you. Take my advice, then 5

Page 24 text:

22 THE Nassa U HERALD. but, George, your scissors can discount any pen. By the unani- mous opinion of the college your deportment was held to contain the best4-in fact, some thought the only good-English in The Przfncetomian. Often, indeed, you managed to punctuat-e whole' sentences, getting even the period in its proper place-a thing' almost unknown- in they other departments, for I understand it was the custom of - that magnificent board of editors to omit about two-thirds of the commas, periods, quotation marks, Sac., in certain numbers of their paper, and then put them at random into the next number, thus giving your paper the spicy, devil- may-care appearance that every true college paper should have, Some think Blee' originated this idea, and I' m inclined to give him the credit for it, and give you-mucilage and shears. You saw how dignified Dunning Was. The same dignity will now be sh.own by two of , his BROTHER Enitronis, Fine ananedges. i 1 This is the only man in college that has a Greek consciousnessf' How he came by it I know not. I hope he got it honestly. i Tis to the use he makes of it that I would call your attention. It has made him the greatest philologist in college. A single example of his work may sufhce. He took the old root gig, the stem a of the Greek word 25000-H 2500-0-which you know means either a goose-gizzard or something half-way between a sardine and a 'fsnoozerfi He traced it into Chinese, where it means green hair-dye and lots of it 3 then into Choctaw, where it stands for a man who blesses a five-cent plate of ice cream before he eats it, and so on through all languages. Yet with all this work he's had time enough to take lst for four straight years, and be managing editor of The PQ'-in,cetonia.o1.. Next Wednesday he'll try to palm off a lot of gibberish and slang for ai Latin salutatory 5 but most of you will be too sharp to believe him, Another gift I intended for you, but you will have to solace yourself with this club with which the Trinity exclmnge- editor used to belabor every issue of your paper. Now, whileLI attend to Hedge's wants will you be kind enough to send Weed and that multitudinously-named young man, John Charles Fremont Royer, this way ?

Page 26 text:

24 I THE NASSA U IIERALD. 1 live on phosphorus for the next couple of centuries, eat fish, parlor matches, dmc., and begin on these. I forgot to say that in the highest flights of philosophy the Ding au Sich 7' is per- fectly at home. 'The infinite, the unknown and the unknowable are just his meat. But here is a philosopher of a different stamp '-one who deals with practical questions. He is, as you per- ceive, an Ohio man, and remarkable in that he is the only Ohioan who to-day is not holding or running for an office. I must beg his pardon for calling him a Darwinian, for that might imply that he is notstrictly original in his views 5 yet he resem- bles Mr. Darwin in not having any troublesome religious views, in loving to wrestle with the question of the descent of man, and in having framed a grand hypothesis in connection with that subject. ' His hypothesis is as follows: From the great Hrst germ to the perfect type of -manhood he finds but four steps. Hirst. From the primordial Ileibnitzian mound to the tumble- bug. Secondly. From the tumble-bug to the Ohio man. Thirdly. From the Ohio man tothe chimpanzee. Fourzfltly and lastly. From the chimpanzee to that awful height upon which, in lov- ing embrace, with arms around each other's necks, stand J ack .Van Dyke, Heineken and Fatty White. For that hypothesis I have nothing but praise, yet how, O John Charles 'Fremont, .according to it do you evolve this gum-belt upon which'D1'. Brackett kept you working for six long weeks ? Every day the Doctor added another pound weight .to the belt, and every day you remeasured it, until at last your failing health compelled you to drop physics and take history. Take it, J011115 and, in connection with your philosophical studies, resume your physi- cal researches, and report to usat the next centennia.l. Next will appear'Sam Maires, our great A r MUsroIAN, K' who, has practiced on the violin for thirteen years, with slight improvement. He used to take lessons in a place called Trentoii 3 go down there every Saturday, and come up in the Owl 3'-' until his class officer, getting wind of it, summoned Sain, alwuuggrl hilu of frequenting Trenton 3 and when Sam explained that he went