Philadelphia Musical Academy - Da Capo Yearbook (Philadelphia, PA)

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THE PROFESSIONAL DEMISE OF MR. STILT A SHORT STORY BY MANFORD ABRAHAMSON I ' ve got it! Got what, Sir? The solution to the problem of the missing books, of course. Oh — well, bravo, Sir. The assistant librarian tried in vain for an exclamation point. He was far from inspired today. The head librarian had already tried five different solutions to the problem, and none of them had been worth all the bother. When the books had first begun to disappear, Mr. Stilt had issued a proclamation stating that anyone found attempting to run off with any of the library ' s books would be suspended. Promptly. Mr. Stilt had been convinced that the library thief would either be caught within the following few days or make no further illegal book withdrawals. For two weeks there had been no thefts. Finally, Mr. Stilt, in a moment of triumph, had taken down the proclamation. The follow- ing day, fifteen books were stolen. Three months and four solutions later, the problem of the missing books was still with them. By now, Mr. Stilt had attained a pinnacle of unpopularity reached by very few. His latest suggestion had been to fingerprint the entire student body. Objections from the students and the faculty were so many and so violent, however, that he had been forced to abandon Plan Five. Today the assistant librarian was tired of Mr. Stilt ' s plans and of Mr. Stilt in general. Not so Mr. Stilt. He positively loved himself at this moment. He assumed all the airs of a man suddenly called to greatness. It is without a doubt the most in- genious of all the plans. What ' s more, it ' ll work. Samuel, come here. I must discuss this with you privately. The assistant librarian, tired as he was, rose to hear this new solution, but Mr. Stilt, in his anxiety to proclaim the word, had dropped his temporary airs and had run over to Samuel ' s desk in the corner of the long, narrow room. Sit down, Samuel, sit down. There ' s hardly any time. We might be intruded upon any minute and must therefore make the most of these few precious moments. Alone.

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MIKE PEDICIN Quintet Villanova Jazz Festival Winners ♦-

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Of course, Sir. Samuel was slightly worried about Mr. Stilt. After all, he had been under a great strain. As head librarian, responsibility for the thefts had fallen directly on his aging shoulders. Five failures were a heavy strain even for someone as strong-willed as Mr. Stilt. Pledging his all to Mr. Stilt ' s newest plan, Samuel silently prayed that it would not be like the preceding abortive attempts to cure the library of its illness. Pay close attention, Samuel. I was sitting at my desk contemplating our plight, when it came to me. This brilliant idea. I know it will work. Well, Sir, what is vour plan? I ' m all ears, Sir, if you ' ll pardon the expression. Ah-ah. But Mr. Stilt was too busy with his plan to take note of Samuel ' s chuckle for the day. Samuel, it occurred to me suddenly that the sole reason for the failure of my previous plans was the fact that I have tried to be too fair to the bounder who is stealing the books. In his more pompous moments. Mr. Stilt fell into the roll of the English squire. I have always believed in fair play. ' Never take advantage of the underdog. ' That has always been my philosophy. And, Samuel, it was nearly the death of me to have to realize this, but I must either deny my own credo or jeopardize a career which has spanned nearly forty years. God forgive me, but I ' m going to fly in the face of my own philosophy just this once. It never failed to amaze Samuel, this heavy drama pervading all of Mr. Stilt ' s decisions, big or small. Samuel only hoped that if and when he finally did replace Mr. Stilt as head librarian, he too could imbue each situa- tion with such emotional fervor. Samuel, in my previous attempts to catch the scoundrel, I have always informed him ahead of time of my plans, almost to the letter. As a result, he remains free. In assessing my position, it occurred to me that the only way I could ever catch him would be by not alerting him of my intention to do so. Therefore, I have decided to hold a surprise spot check. When, Sir? Right now. Today. Immediately! Together we will watch for him. But we must be sly, as sly as he is. We must pretend to be busy at our desks. He ' s a brazen thief. He has stolen books right out from under our noses. He will probably not hesitate to do so again. Especially since we will look so preoccupied at our desks. Have vou considered, Sir, that he might not be back for some time, and for us to be so involved in catching him might be a serious waste of time? Yes, I have, Samuel, but I have also dedicated my soul to his capture. Vengeance! I claim vengeance!