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Page 27 text:
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PREFACE WE WOULD LIKE IX) PRESENT AN IMPRESSIONISTIC SURVEY OK THE BEGINNING STUDENT’S INITIAL REACTION TO THE COMPLICATED, SOPHISTICATED, OMNISCIENT, OMNIPOTENT, OMSIPRESENT, OMNIVEROUS SOCIETY THAT COMPRISE COLLEGE LIFE. Move, you hulking peasants! Let roe off this mobile mix-master. Have you no respect for the enthusiasm of youth? This is my day to carve a niche for myself. I have a date with destiny. Ah, there it is -crouching guiltily ’midst the magnolia trees. I’m all agog. Not scared exactly; just a little unsteady. This is the seat of the learning I desire, and those are the heights of erudition to which I aspire. This is probably the most auspicious occasion of my brief career. What do I do now? I don’t even know what I want to study. Well, - all of human knowledge has its roots in speculation. The speculative science is Philosophy. From this, it seems to follow that my first stop should be the Philosophy depa rtment. So... ...here I am, and a fat lot of good it’s doing me. Both of these august individuals are so engrossed in their books that they don’t know I’m present - or don’t care. ■Ahem! Don’t scratch your foot, kind sir, look at me. Here stands fertile soil for the sowing of a few seeds of knowledge, and you sit there idly scratching the bite of some hypothetical insect. Beg podden, sir. Oh, yes; what can we do for you? Mercy! It’s a talkie! I never know what to do in these crises. Should I drop a curtsy? What did I want, anyway? Oh, yes... If you have a minute, sir, I’d like to know about Philosophy. Have I said something wrong? He looks so strange. Sort of - sort of homicidal, somehow. Maybe I should just leave quietly. The other gentleman is looking at me, too - with the same maniacal gleam in his eye. Oh my.... Won't you have a seat, my boy? The one in corner, please. Yes, the one with all the cobwebs. Allow me to introduce the psychology instructor. Uh - hullo. Why, how do you do, son, how do you do? Would you mind terribly if I examined your forehead, hmm? You have a couple of frightfully interesting bumps there. They intrigue me, really. Why, they're quite gentle. Actually kind of fatherly. And except for this childish fascination for the bumps I got in football, they seem fairly sane. Oops! What in heaven’s name is that? Only a lie detector, boy. Mere matter of form. Just relax your arm, so I can fasten this strap. Oh very well. It seems quite harmless. Surely, I’m mot so mean and narrow as to refuse this kindly individual such a small request. Strap away, me bucko. Your miserable little machine holds no terrors for me. Now this is cosy. They’re taking seats in front of me. Why are they staring? Is my hair uncombed? What did my sainted Aunt Sarah say? When in doubt, SALUTE! Well! Ohmigod! I knew it wouldn’t work. And they’ve inferred something from that simple gesture, something - sinister. But they seem pleased with their inference. Perhaps we'd better check the room temperature. Must be kept constant, you know. This limits external influences which might be upsetting our cerebral lobes. By the way, have you always had that little twitch of the eyebrow? Eyebrow twitch? Why - uh, I hadn’t noticed it be fore .
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Page 28 text:
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Twitch? What twitch? I have no twitch, or, anyway, I had no twitch. God knows what I have now, and He ain’t speaking to me. Now that you mention it, sir, it does feel rather twitchy, humm.’ Now I’ve lost the other one’s interest. He's gone back to his pocket edition of Plato. Ah, well.... Go on. You have some questions you wish to ask? Questions? Have I ever got questions! But I’m in deep enough as it is. If only that confounded gimmick he strapped me to would stop ticking - or if my eyebrow would stop twitching. Oy! M-may I have a glass of water? He ignores me. I can dehydrate for all he cares. Don’t touch that thermostot, you sadist! Oh my, he’s going to check my bumps again. Now he’s going into conference with his buddy. It’s evident that this lad is a victim of vicious asphasia, being bombarded by negative stimuli affecting the left wing of his hypo-t halmus. I’m a victim of heat prostration! Unstrap me! Thank you - oh, thank you. Or, as Plato would have it, he has crossed his particulars with his universals, thus achieving a negative and contradictory state, in which no philosophical progress is possible. I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Eureka! A fourth. Now we can play bridge Got what? A perfectly straight line! Don’t scream so. He must teach Mathematics. What has he there, anyway? As I live and breathe, it is indeed - a perfectly straight line. What, will they think of next? What exactly is this perfectly straight line of which you are so proud? Ah, the student of Plato has a word to say. Why, a one hundred and eighty degree angle, of course. And what is a one hundred and eighty degree angle? A straight line. You see, your definition leads to absurdity. How can they be so inte 11igent? Then, a straight line is the shortest distance between two points on a plane. A plane extended to infinity? I was once on a plane to Albuquerque, but this hardly seems the place to mention it. Presumably. How does one test the relative straightness of a line extended to infinity? One first assumes such a line, then brings to bear upon it all the postulates of Euclidian georaotry. If it stands up under all of them, it is a perfectly straight line. Obviously! But what if Euclid were mistaken? Oh, he couldn’t be. His is a perfectly valid geomotry. However, one can conceive of a gcomotry in which, through a point outside of a straight line, an infinite number of straight lines could be drawn.... How edifying! But I shall surely perish without water. I do hope they’ll excuse me. Ahhh! So refreshing. So far, I’ve learned that when Logic gets too logical, it becomes confusing. Well... Oops! Pardon me, sir, are youan i n -st ructor? Yes, indeed. Of Sociology. And these two gentlemen are history instructors. They all look rather normal, somehow. Would you tell me a bit about Sociology, sir? Certainly, boy, it deals wi’th social problems. Good day. Oh, don’t go, sir. Tell me more. Oh, very well. It is generally held by students of human behavior that as society becomes more complex, the proportion of persons who are inadequate is increasing.... So this is Sociology. Sounds like mud to me. While he’s rhapsodizing on what is evidently a favorite theme - the Ideologies of the Belgian Congoians - I suppose I can safely turn ray attention to these other two learned gentlemen. A11 freshmen should take a course in History of Civilization, for how else will the students become acquainted with the hair-dress of the Ancient Persians? Not at all, sir. It is obviously more beneficial for the students to concentrate on the Astrological factors that influenced
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