Northwestern University Dental School - Purple and Gold Yearbook (Evanston, IL)

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St. Peter gravely sho-ok his head, Q And looking at the doctor said: f'Now that complaint is sensible, Such treatments indefensible! Unless-the verses dull and smooth To therapeutic sleep could soothef' The next complainant was a man Built after N ature's dryest plan, A drouthy soul-as might be seen- VVho-m from the bottle na.ught could wean. Quoth he: HFTOI11 memo-ry ne'er can fade . That set of teeth the doctor made: An incubus-a ghastly sight- In porcelain and vulcanite! Unchristian feeling I betrayg But wait, and learn its cause, I pray. Wfhile at a banquet late one night- Postprandial pleasures at their height- 'A feast of reason and a flow- Of soul,' and things the earth-b-orn know- I felt as if the up-as-tree Had breathed its poison over me. fIt all was due-so friends have said To what Ild eaten, cheese o-r breadj That night so far as I could tell IV as one protracted sinking spell. IN hen I came to-ah! cruel fate- I missed that blamed old rubber-plate! ' Remarked the dentist: Served him right. The plate got loose, when he got tightg And leaving him4sh-owed self-respect. Does that upo-n my Work reflect? - Disgusted now, St. Peter thought It time to close a case that brought Out only spiteful accusation, Qf prompt and easy refutation. For sake of form the heavenly proctor Then called for last word-on the doctor. 180 I 1 I I l 1 1 1 x V1 I i y . 'r 9 Q '1 v

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Inserting gold as though for ay, He calmly kept his pounding way. But-in his zeal he took n-o note Of how his glass pressed near my throat. I coughed !-the action was no sham- The rubber slipped! and he said I-+' ln Perhaps,', observed St. Peter here, It was a pun,-though ra.ther queer. That word I think you've wro-n-gly blamed, For 'dam' the rubber-sheet is named. I'll ask the doctor what he meant, If he not fun with business blent? I-Ie heard aright-I did not pun, In dentistry there is no fun. Yo-u've heard! g You see! Does it not seein That provocation was extreme? And is it so surprising, them, That he should hear the silent 'n'? ' A tooth of mine, a woman whined, file had to bore and fill and grind, Till I got ill. .For half a day At my'po-or tooth he worked away! That filling co-st me-pain and tears, And after only twenty years, One day at dinner, out it came- The nuts I cracked were not to blame. This bit of testimony clo-sed, The den-tist mildly interposed: So 'pain and tears' the hlling cost? Wfell-that was all. The bill was lost. A sour old grumbler testified: The doctor sorely patients tried. The fees he asked were most unfair Since charged for time spent in his chair. flhfho says that 'time was made for slaves' I'Ie better knows who dentists bravesj To injury he insult added For my time was with poems padded. I-Ie bored my teeth with dullest drill. And me with poems duller still. 179

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I tried my duty to perform, XV as at my office shine or storm. I treated by the Golden Rule- And therefore may have been a fool. These noisy peo-ple represent The patients always discontent. Ah! for the other, larger class, I look around in vain-alas! These very Astrals-hard to please, I charged b-y far the lowest fees, And sent them bills but once a year- From which I would but seldom hear. I was as patient as a lamb- I did their work, and-'here I am' ! His indignation scarce repressed, St. ,Pete-r thus the mob addressed: Though in his chair you ill behaved- In usefulness your teeth he saved? VVell-that-he-did, they answered, but Replied St. Peter, sharply: Tut! Relieved by him of dental ills Of co-urse, you alwa.ys paid the bills? We must confess, they answered, uno. Returned St. Peter, sternly, NGO E IN' ith nod and mien triumphant, grand, I-Ie to-ok the dentist by the hand: For all yo-ur sins your tribulation VVas great eno-ugh in expiation The punishment, indeed too sharp: So pass right in-select your harp l i'i'0' AT LAST. There's tr-ouble at the boarding house. Thereis blood upon the moon. The bold, bad, base monopolists Have co-rnered the festive prune! 1-Sl