Northwestern University Dental School - Purple and Gold Yearbook (Evanston, IL)

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Vlfith your permission we will show That he deserves a place below!- As there he stands, who would believe That Innocence could so deceive! Observe that sad and injured air- No sainta meeker face could wear! And yet, if we but contemplate His devilish tortures' aggregate-H I beg your pardon-not so swift, St. Peter warned, I ,see your drift. Before proceeding, let me says, Cut pleader's arts and- gallery play- or arguments ad hominem- I've never taken stock in them. This much made p-lain, we'll now go on To hear your protests pro and con. Speak out in turn each 'astral' sprite, You may yourgrievances recite. A wo-man's touching note was heard: May I be granted just a word? This man once did some work for me- And was as rude as rude could be. No one can say-I talk too much! an Before that man the work would touch- But hfteen minutes had I ta.lked- With rubber-sheet my mo-uth he caulked! Then soon, I seemed to need a boat, As near my mouth, all was afloat. And while I sat there drowning, dumb- My husband's mother had to co-me. 'How are you getting o-n?' called she. 'Oh! thank you! swimmingly !' bawled he. Can ,I fo-rget that wisdom-tooth!,' Piped up a goody-goody y-outhg 'The promises of Obtundine! ' The buzzing, torturing machine! The nasty, horrid rubber thing I-Ield tightly with that pinching spring! I wriggled, I struggled, I fought This dentist !- no relief it brought: 178

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U Encouraged thus the candidate Began his story to relate. ' He told a plain, unvarnished tale Of lifels ro-ugh seas he had to sailg Of trials with which he had to copeg Qf cares and disap-pointed h-opeg Cf how before his time he died- To him sweet calm of age denied, His life no blameless course had beeng Though full of good-not free from sin. No good he left unsaid, no-r tried A By subterfuge the bad to hide. The great sins he had well withstoodg Wfith small-had done the best he could. lmpressed the Guardian seemed to be By story fro-in pretence so freeg It had a clear and honest ring- Not hereabout therusual thing. Wfith 11od and mien celestial, grand! He took the dentist by the handg And was about to pass him in- XV hen here broke out .an awful din! Un lo-oking round they heard a throng Qf ghosts exclaimingz hlhfrongl it's wrong!! Surprised and wroth St. Peter cried: Such clamor I will not abide! This is no place for whoop and yellg So-quietly your business tellg Does it concern this weary Soul Wfho seeks the restful, Heavenly Goal? Indeed it doesfl the spirits shout, From Heaven we want that wretch kept out l There now stepped forth an oily ghost W'ho best address and-lungs could boast : Pm sure fair hearing to obtain lt's only needful to explain That we in gross, or earthly state. Wfere patients of this candidate: That we're from earth projected here And in our astra.l forin appear To render cogent reasons why In our opinion, much too high For after-life, this dentist aiins. NYhen restful Heaven as due him claims. 177

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Inserting gold as though for ay, He calmly kept his pounding way. But-in his zeal he took n-o note Of how his glass pressed near my throat. I coughed !-the action was no sham- The rubber slipped! and he said I-+' ln Perhaps,', observed St. Peter here, It was a pun,-though ra.ther queer. That word I think you've wro-n-gly blamed, For 'dam' the rubber-sheet is named. I'll ask the doctor what he meant, If he not fun with business blent? I-Ie heard aright-I did not pun, In dentistry there is no fun. Yo-u've heard! g You see! Does it not seein That provocation was extreme? And is it so surprising, them, That he should hear the silent 'n'? ' A tooth of mine, a woman whined, file had to bore and fill and grind, Till I got ill. .For half a day At my'po-or tooth he worked away! That filling co-st me-pain and tears, And after only twenty years, One day at dinner, out it came- The nuts I cracked were not to blame. This bit of testimony clo-sed, The den-tist mildly interposed: So 'pain and tears' the hlling cost? Wfell-that was all. The bill was lost. A sour old grumbler testified: The doctor sorely patients tried. The fees he asked were most unfair Since charged for time spent in his chair. flhfho says that 'time was made for slaves' I'Ie better knows who dentists bravesj To injury he insult added For my time was with poems padded. I-Ie bored my teeth with dullest drill. And me with poems duller still. 179