North Toronto Collegiate Institute - Howler Yearbook (Toronto, Ontario Canada)

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Page Eighty-Two THE H O IV L E R, 1 9 3 4 D n CAUSTIC COMMENT a a By Walter flfeyholej Squint-chell The advent of lawful liquor in the States has certainly boosted the spirits of the American people. The medical profession seems to rival the political nowadays in the matter of grafting, but we understand it's only a skin game. Scientists say that for a man to smoke nickel cigars is a slow death. lVe say- Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. We understand that the depression has put a good many golf links on the cuff. Seeing that high school students have taken to carrying fire-arms, we suspect that a few of our teachers will no longer be verbally knocked, but bumped completely off. Mr. Page, who is so adept at instructing the Juniors in the art of handling the ball, had better look to his laurels. XVe understand he has acquired a ball and chain himself. VVe wonder if the judges were influenced when they awarded the banner to North To- ronto for Clean-up, Paint-up and Beautify VVeek. Maybe Col. Xifood arranged it so that they could see the girls at their lockers just before the bell. XVe think that Mr. Ayres would make an excellent department store Santa Claus. There has been a lot of controversy as to the roughness of football, but nevertheless we sympathize with the players when it is learned that they have to supply their own brass- knuckles and black-jacks. Mr. Hitler seems to be gathering increasing numbers of storm troops. It is intimated, however, that he is interested in more than just the weather. Ik Ik Bob told me I was the eighth wonder of the wurldf' VVhat did you say ? I told him not to let me catch him with any of the other seven. :af x :k ac Newcomer: Have you an opening for a bright North Toronto student ? Employer: Yes, and don't slam it as you go out. Pk -if x as Teacher: A fool can ask more questions than a. wise man can answer. Pupil: No wonder I failed in Latin. Though Mr. Bennett hands out honours to people against public opinion, he hopes that he will soon be entitled totol. It is said that the public school's track meet held here in the Fall was intended to stimulate the enthusiasm of the kids. XVell, they're on the right track anyhow. The Camera Club is our school's fastest de- veloping organization. Anyway Mr. Roosevelt's organization of C. C. Camps to transplant young trees might seem to be getting at the root of things. It is rumoured that many a prominent Frenchman lost his shirt in the Bayonne pawn- shop scandal. That's nothing-people get rid of them every day in Canadian pawnshops. A much discussed Miss XVest has not only changed the current styles for women, but also the sayings of great men of history. Now it's Go VVest, young woman, go NVest. Cuba is rapidly gaining the title of the most democratic country in the world. It seems that every citizen, good or bad, gets a chance to be President. The reason United States has recognized Russia is because the Soviet commissars are no longer disguised with the usual face spinach. French furniture is not of the best quality. How do we know? Because the government is always changing its cabinets. Ii Natural History teacher: What is a prim- aeval forest ? Student: A place where man's hand has never set foot. Pk lk JK lk Teacher: Why were you not at school yes- terday afternoon F Pupil: Please, sir, I was just crossing the street when I saw a steam roller. ' Teacher: Well? Pupil: A man said to me: 'Mind the roller.' So I stayed and minded it all afternoon.

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TH E H O H' L E R, Z9 3 4 111110 lfigllly-Om' HARD EARNED WAGES S S S S QIZNGLISH XVEEKLYD An artist, who was employed to renovate and retouch the great oil paintings in an old church in Belgium, rendered a bill of 5367.30 for his services. The church wardens, however, re- quired an itemized bill, and the following was duly presented, audited and paid: For correcting the Ten Commandments.tF5.1'2 For renewing Heaven and adjusting the stars ........,.........,..,....... 7.14 For touching up Purgatory and restoring lost souls .......,................. 33.06 For brightening up the ilames of Hell, putting new tail on the llevil, and doing odd jobs for the damned ........... 7.17 For putting new stone in l5avid's sling, and enlarging the head of Goliath . . . , 0.13 For mending' the shirt of the Prodigal 3.39 Son, and cleaning his ear ........... For embellishing Pontius Pilate and put- ting new tail and comb on St. l'eter's TOOSYCI' O -30 ................... NA, lfor re-pluming and re-gilding the left Y w wing of the Guardian Angel ........ 0.16 6 For washing the servant of the High Priest and putting carinine on his cheek ............................ 5,02 For taking the spots oil the son of Tobias 10.330 For putting earrings on Sarah's ears .... 5.26 For decorating Noahs Ark and putting new head on Shem , ............... -L31 367.30 Herr Iilinck tgazing with disgust at the group of chattering girls in the cornerl: 1 guess this is as good a time as any to spread you girls around. Enid -lacklin: You aren't going to spread me around. sr :ic sk wk Tommy came from the room where his father was hammering nails, weeping bitterly. VVhat's the matter? asked his mother. Boo-hoo! Father hit his thumb with the hammer. lVell, you shouldn't cry, you should laugh. Boo-hoo-I-I did! as x :if as Boring young man: You know, I'm funny that way-I always throw myself into any job I undertake' Pretty girl, sweetly: How splendid. VVhy don't you dig a well? an x as as lst Medical Student: lVhat's worrying you P 2nd Medical Student: You know I am desperately in love with Miss Beautief' Yes, and I have noticed lately that she has a sad, dreamy, soulful expression. That's it. I don't know whether it's love or her liver. iaifiei-iy had teeth Young you were Sister: like pearl Brother : gradually as .. .Xnd what did you say? Hostess: XYon't you have another piece of pudding, Tommy? So Mr. Goldhatch said I 'Oh, nothing, except that getting used to them. els Pls vls Tommy: No thanks. Hostess: You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite. Tommy: It isn't loss of appetite. XVhat I'm sulitiering from is politeness. Pls vis :ls Pls Mr. Page: Now class, turn to page GO. Voice at back: If you can't find 60, read page 30 twice. Mr. Page: That's enough wisecracking.-- Don't make notes 3 just keep everything in your head as you go along and you'll have every- thing in a nutshell l COh, Mr. Pagelj Pls as as Ik lVillie: Mother, my Sunday School teacher never takes a bath. Mother: NVhy lVillie, who told you that ? lVillie: She did. She said she never did anything in private that she would not do in public.

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THE HOIVLER, 1934 VICTORY TOAST N.T.C.l. has won at last, And Malvern was the victimg We gave their senior team a point And then went out and licked 'em. Let's give the boys a rousing cheer, They played the game and won itg For ten long years they gave a light, And now at last they've done it. Then let us rise once more and drink To those for whom we cheer, And then we'll offer up a prayer For two good teams next year. -Arn. Rothschild, 3L. THE RETURN OF THE FIFTH FORMER Qkfery humble apologies to XVordsworthj Five years have passedg live winters with a length Five times a summer's! and again I hear The teachers asking for our absence notes NVith loud outlandish holler.WOnce again Do I behold these thick and silly books That on a placid and contented mind impress Thoughts of suicidal nature, and connect The schoolroom with the quiet of-the jail. The day is come when I again repose Here outside this ofhce door and view The coming third degree, befuddling queries Which at this season when our unripe brains Have no answers fashioned, bids fair to turn Us into corpses. Once again I see, VVith no uncertain notice, mighty droves Of vagrant skippers from the dreary rooms Before this Hermit's cave, where, by his book The Hermit UD spreads eight-thirties far and wide. -VV. Barringer, 5D. if Pk Ulf Ik Pupil treading poetryj : Come, fill up my cup, come fill up my can. Teacher: Come on, put some spirit in it. is if fr wk Father, said Jimmy, there's a big black cat in the dining room. Never mind, Jimmy, black cats are lucky. This one is. He's got your dinner. Page Eiglzty-Tlzrce 1 DARE NOT By Margaret Viola Forsyth I would not dare to write about Frail butterflies and bees, Nor yet of sparkling waterfalls, Or rippling silver seas, Of Howers in their dainty frills A-peeping in the grass. And shimmering trees whisked by the breeze I dare not write, alas! Pale golden fields of waving grain Bask in the sun, I know itg But of these things I dare not write For I am not a poet. Pk ik Dk Pk Q ' ' Q' eil ll FIG Pk PK Pk Son: Dad, what is a boss ? Dad: A boss, my son, is a man who comes to the ofiice too early when I'm late and too late when I'm early. :sf if wk :sf Copy of a telegram Mr. Jones sent to Dr. Smith: Mother-in-law at death's door. Come and pull her through.