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Page 33 text:
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during the course of the school year there occur any number of newsy events which serve to set that year in a class of its own and give it a distinction removed from mere academic pedantry and the pursuit thereof. These events though often quite dissimilar are at least marked by one familiar vein: idiocy and childishness. Filled with bombast, armed with ignorance, deadly with boredom and righteous administrators, teachers, and students rush into the fray each trying to descend to the lowest possible level of intelligence and rise to the highest possible level of foolishness. Since it is the same each year, we will scarcely bother to treat these petty tempests with anything more than a raised eyebrow, a fiendish smile, and a pen dipped in cow manure. We give you the news of our year.
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Page 34 text:
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knew who had won the Homecoming Queen contest before they announced it at Carter Stadium that day. I was in the dorm room trying to broil my turbot (purchased from the A P at a nominal figure) and make some French Mashed Potatoes on the side when I took time out to switch on the television which my roommate had so thoughtfully brought to school with him. The picture faded into view and the ABC man was telling me and the rest of the viewers at home to stick around for the halftime show. I turned the set off. So they had won. A few days earlier I had found out no-one would football games and cheerleaders and spirit contests. Give ' em hell, Old Men! Where this whole thing really started was a couple of years ago when beauty contests started getting a bad name. After it first occurred to the Women ' s Lib people, a number of students really wondered what use it was to pick somebody who looked pretty to represent the school at After all, being beautiful shows nothing more than an accident of nature. Being more beautiful than another girl doesn ' t make a girl better than her or more qualified to represent the school or anything. Students looked hard at the contest. be told the results of the election for what had previously been called the Homecoming Queen before it was announced at the game. Nobody, that is except a few officials and ABC Television. ABC, you see, knew a good story when it saw one and was going to cover the entire halftime ceremony if the two old men won. I figured that ABC ' s clumsy hint then, would be a fair indication of who the winner would be, and found out in a few seconds wit hout turning my turbot or drying out my mashed potatoes. It pays to listen. I also figured that that would be the end of the arguments about the Old Men ' s candidacy. But alas, it had all just begun. It seemed that few of the people who had been doing the speculating on the merits of the question had speculated that the two people in the rubber masks would win. Chief among the disparagers of the pair were the fraternities who had sponsored the lovely ladies who ran against the old men. It was unAmerican, they observed. These two were making a joke out of the whole thing. Sure, this was for fun in the first place, but not that kind of fun. There were some things that you just didn ' t joke at or make fun of. Just think how those girls must have felt, taking the time out to run and being sponsored by a frat, to lose to two men in rubber masks? The freaks though it was hilarious. It served them right. This really showed how the school felt about In order to save its ass as an institution and a tradition, the Homecoming Queen people started billing the contest not just as a prettiness competition, but also as a spirit and service contest. A girl did not have to be pretty. She should have done a lot to improve school spirit and be an all-around outstanding person. Of course they and everybody else knew that the prettiest ones would get the votes. They sat back and waited to see whether people had bought the argument or not. They did. The Homecoming Queen contest continued and everything was all right again. For awhile. This year, though, it backfired. Two people (male) who had been appearing in old man masks, yelling their heads off and trying to get the crowds stirred up at the games heard the argument that it as a spirit, not beauty contest, and, therefore, decided to run. The Homecoming Queen people were stumped. Either they were telling the truth about the spirit thing being the only criterion, in which case there was no earthly reason to keep these people from running, or they weren ' t. There was nothing to do but swallow hard and let them run. When these people actually won the election (this, like the man bites dog stories, was one no . . . more powerful than an institution .
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