Monroe High School - Monrovian Yearbook (West Manchester, OH)

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ldes of March 1976 Looking back in my diary, I recollect one day in my life as a mortician which stands out above the others. It was my first funeral and I was extremely nervous. I knew that I had forgotten something, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. My diary reads as follows: A large crowd, here at Michael's.Funeral Home, has gathered to mourn the death of that famous Duroc hog breeder and NFO President, DAVID HOPPER HYPES His widow, JANE GAUCH HYPES, is sitting on the first row mournfully reading an old edition of Wildcat Tales , and I notice an occasional chuckle slip past her grief- stricken face. DENNIS PENCE, sitting by her side, whispers sweet-nothings into her ear. BECKY PETITT, who is sitting on the other side of her with crutches at her side, is reading a men's physical education book. I recognized the honorable REVEREND JONATHAN SHORT meditating in a corner. He is preparing himself spiritually for the deliverance of the funeral message. His wife, the former VIRGINIA KING, who is now teaching at the National Trail High School, is asking him if they can stop at the Dari Freeze on the way home from the funeral. GARY BELL, who is the soloist for the funeral, is preparing himself to sing Little Bitty Hopper and Days of Wine and Roses Overlooking the corpse now I notice KATHY FRAZEE, who now makes submarine sand- wiches at Kresge's, and CAROL CARTWRIGHT, who is straightening Hopper's tie, TERRY AND TRESA DAVIS slowly proceed down the mid-aisle toward the coffin. Terry proudly admires his handiwork on the casket which he constructed from an old tree that they cut down in his front yard, MARY JANE BROOKSHIRE interrupts the pro- cession to announce that popcorn and red pop is being served in the next room. After refreshments had been served, the crowd re-gathered in the funeral parlor. DOUG FILBURN, Vice-President of the NFO, brings in a large horseshoe wreath with Good Luck in your New Location inscribed on it. Accompanying Doug, was DALE ROBINSON, who, with Hopper, tied many feed sacks in their day, In the vestibule I see JOHN OVERHOLSER staggering in from a hard day 's work at KIM THOMPSON'S beer joint. He makes his way to the casket and happily says, Hi, Hopper! at which he is very delicately escorted out of the chapel. After this slightly upsetting incident I notice MARC COLLIER, the local grave digger, restlessly pacing the floor. Deeply concemed, I walked over to him with intentions to comfort him in his grief. I said to him, Hopper has passed this world to a far better place. Startled, Marc replied, What are you talking about? I have to go to the restroom, and there's somebody in there! They 've been in there for the last half hour! The rustling of the crowd called our attention to the entrance of CHIEFTAIN FLOWERS, dressed in his full native costume. Injun Joe has called a halt to the Indian uprising against the United States, declaring that President Wallace has met with his demands for the repurchase of Manhattan Island. As he moves toward the casket, he sights MERILL WYSONG and LINDA GILBERT in their army uniforms. It takes RON SMITH, the local haberdasher in the nudist colony, to control Chieftain Flowers. JUDY HOOVER, the nurse in charge of the county health department, then walked in. She was followed by DYANNA COX with her flock of ten kids straggling behind her. They were noisily leaving a trail of candy, suckers, and balloons. RICK FRALEY followed closely in his barnyard-scented clothes. The assemblage sneers as DAVE Mc- CAIG, an artist for a certain obscene magazine, and his secretary, LUANA SWIHART, walk in. The crowd turned its sneers to cheers when the Honorable MICHAEL REYNOLDS was spotted at the door. Mr, Reynolds was running for Governor of the state of Missis- sippi, state of equality. The only thing hindering his election is his five-year prison term for tax evasion.

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I, TRESA HERRMANN, with great pride will to thee Mary Herrmann, my ability to build an electric motor that runs. Well, at least part of the time. I, RICK FRA LEY, being of questionable mind, will to thee Ted Agler, my ability to excel in shopwork and to put down Fords. fSometimesj I, DAVE MCCAIG, with much pride will to thee Mike House, one good bottle of Curl Free. I, KIM THOMPSON, being of energetic mind, give to thee Steve Crouse, the ability to outrun Dillon's GTO. We, PEGGY TRUMP, KAREN HUNDLEY, AND TRESA HERRMANN with much pleasure, will to thee, Van Ramsey our ability to find the right restroom door at the Highway Drive-in. Hope you have better luck than we did! I, LINDA DEBOO, will to thee Connie McKnight the ability to fly a kite without getting it caught in the trees. I, JOYCE GEETING, with great pleasure, give to thee Vic VanFleet, the ability to totally confuse and disturb Mrs. Deisher in Home Ec. Class. I, RON SMITH, having no luck, leave to Richard Hapner a two headed coin for flip- ping in the cafeteria. I, BILL BOWERS, will and bequeath to Hooker QMike Booherj my Varsity Basketball uniform. I, CONNIE ELLEMAN, being of energetic body, give Agnes Shelley my ability to take phys. ed. every day. I, SUSAN LONG, give to thee Susan Britton my doodling ability in bookkeeping and still keep my place. I, NANCY SOURBEER, will to thee Steve Rogers all the rubber bands I have, to shoot next year on bus number 4. I, GREGORY PURTEE, being of confused mind will to thee Steve Wheeler, my Grand- mothers old army boots, my doll who sings Swanee River while you give her a bath, and last but not least my canary who sings beautifully but now has laryngitis. I, ALLEN SHAFFER, with much sadness leave to thee Barry Martindale my stilts and a bottle of vitamin pills, I, PEGGY TRUMP, with great pleasure will to thee John Ott all my pages of Bookkeep- ing to correct and hand in. Hope you don 't have to still correct them and hand in! I, JOELLEN LEAS, with much regret, bequeath to thee Elaine Mansfield, my place out- side the Industrial Arts room, before, during and after class. Use it with care! I, DENNIS PENCE, being of strong body, will to thee Dave Cruze 3 free Karate lessons. I, DALE ROBINSON, leave to thee Gary Wagner my nickname sugar bear . I, CAROL CARTWRIGHT, give to thee Pam Sauerland the ability to open a combina- tion lock in gym, and do it in one gym period. I, JOHN OVERHOLSER, being of blank mind, will to thee Richard Ramsey, my great nickname Swamp Rat , I, KAREN HUNDLEY, willfully bequeath to thee Lloyd Lee one plastic reed so Mr. Mowry can't break it. I, JANIE GAUCH, give Mike Cobb the great privilege of my position beside Rango's offspring in band. I, BECKY GAUCH, with much sadness will to thee Cathy Ward one slightly torn green shaker, Just remember all the good times tearing them up, I, TERRY DAVIS, will to thee Rick Eyer one slightly used bottle of Lady Clairol. Hope it's the right color! I, MARY JANE BROOKSHIRE, give permission for Alyce Weaver to use the quartet mile strip in front of my house. I, HOPPER, being of undetermined mind, will to the whole Junior class one heavily used pickup truck with a dead possum under the seat. May you use it to haul refresh- ments for an after the prom party. Also as a bonus prize: the Senior class will to the Juniors--Hopper! I l

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As I gaze out the window I see a van pull up. On the side of the van there are letters in bold print, WILT FLOWERS. Marc Collier, still restlessly pacing, offers a helping hand to MISS CONNIE WILT and her assistant, PRISCILLA SPARKS. As the van pulls away, ALLEN SHAFFER and PEGGY TRUMP come thundering up on their cycles, Allen, who is a member of the local chapter of Hell's Angels, and Peggy, who is now a test driver for the durability of Ford Trucks, are not greeted very warmly as they enter the chapel. You see, last night Allen, on his cycle, and Peggy, in her truck, were drag-racing through downtown Hamburg when they knocked off Hopper, who was walking his pet hog, Mortimer. As they pass nigh to the casket, Peggy expresses deep feeling as she murmurs to Allen, Ah, they did a wonderful job on Hopper. He looks so alive. At which Allen replied, That's too bad! Come on, let's go, I left the motor running on the cycle. They replaced their helmets on their heads and walked away getting their supposedly last look at Hopper. DR. GREGORY PURTEE, local veterinarian, who, awakened in the middle of the night, hastily pronounced Hopper dead. He and his medical assistant, CINDY BARKER, came to view the body on the way to the animal hospital. Then a painter camerin with a ladder and bucket of paint and began preparing to start laying it on. I went running over inquiring what she thought she was doing. She said, They told me I was supposed to paint the walls of a large brick building on the right, That's Scotty's down the street! Now get out of here! I informed her. As the painter, who was JANET SNYDER, went, she brushed against BEVERLY LIPPS who exclaimed, We1l! You see, Bev had invested in essence of frog oil and had gained a large fortune. She even had her own personal traveling beautician, PAMELA LACEY. I just couldn't take it any longer and I went out on the front lawn. I then saw four women cackling up the sidewalk. LINDA DEBOO, who is a noted criminal lawyer, JOYCE GEETING, who is married, but still working in a doctor's office, JANICE ROSE, who is owner of the drug store in Eldorado, and SUSAN LONG, who is a nurse in Dayton, are busily discussing their bridge game. All at once I notice something gigantic falling down from the sky. It's a giant bird! No, it's a UFO! No, it's SANDRA HARRISON in a parachute. She plumped on the ground, gathered her equipment, and came up to me. I was near a state of collapse when I saw CONNIE ELLEMAN, fully attired in a track suit, running up the stairs and into the chapel. The next thing I remember was MICK AND JOELLEN WALTZ, who had gained fame on nationwide television, helping me up off the ground and KAREN HUNDLEY, President of Harvard College, informing me that the funeral services were about to begin. I pulled my body into the chapel, and plumped myself down in a chair. As I sat there I noticed a card sticking in my shirt. As I read it, I discovered the card to be a dental appointment. EMMA RATLIFF and IRENE REYNOLDS then proceeded to explain to me that when I was unconscious, NANCY SOURBEER came along, propped open my mouth, found three cavities, and left the card. Looking on, I realized that Joellen Waltz was opening the service with a number on the organ. As Rev. Short began his message everyone began to whisper and bustle about. I felt sorry for Rev. Short, who had conquered many obstacles to become a minister. And then all at once everything became quiet. I thought surely Rev. Short hadn't said something interesting. Then I became numb as I saw the corpse slowly rising out of the casket behind the Rev. Short. Now Hopper had climbed completedly out of the casket! He went up to the Rev. and said, Hi, Soft! Rev. Short took one look at Hopper's face and took off running toward Cincinnati, At this point it dawned on me what I had forgotten. I had forgotten to .. . EMBALM Hopper! ! 1