Lindsay Collegiate and Vocational Institute - Tatler Yearbook (Lindsay, Ontario Canada)

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24 THE L. C. I. TA TLER Mrs. Pennyfeather:- The man must be a lunatic. His mentality is no high- er than an animal. Mr. Smithz- tGrinning slightly? You know Darwin maintains that we all sprang from monkeys? Marilyn:- Yeah! and some oi us ciidn't spring far enough. Mr. Smith:-tlaughingl Ha! Ha, Ha, Hu! That's a good one, Miss. tOther boarders stare. They think Mr. Snith slightly offb. Miss Potts:-t'Well. that doesn't sig- nify anything. tRap at the doorl. Enter an asylum guard who removes his hai and says: Pardon me for in- truding at this hour but one of the lunatiis has escaped from the asylum and we are afraid he might do some harm before being recaptured. So we are warning everyone and asking them to keep a sharp watch for him. Thank you kindly. Good-day. Marilyn:+tXVith a little shriek? Oi1! An escaped lunatic. Er ........ Ex- cuse me. I don't think I can finish my dessert. tExiLl. Mrs. Pennyfeather:-:Excuse us too, please. George and I have some busi- ness to arrange. Come George! Miss Potts:- Oh! It's my heart agin. The doctor warned me and any- way I can't eat strawberries. An escap- ed lunatic! Oh-Oli-Oh tgetting hys- terical, she takes out smelling saltsl Oh! tExitl. tMrs. O'G1'ady and Smith are left staring at each other. She is evidently very upset, while he appears bev.ilder- ed.l Smith:-t'What is the matter with them, Mrs. O'Grady'? Surely you can't think that the lunaticfthat I am the- Oh. thats ridiculous. Why are you going too? LA hurried exit by Mrs O'Gradyl. tHe turns his attention back to the table, pushes all their plates towards his and begins to eat them all with great relish. All the time he is laugh- ing heartilyl. Smith:- Well, i.'s an ill wind that blows no one good. Curtain. Scene 3. Opens with Mrs. O'Grady speaking on the telephone. Scene 3. Mrs. O'Grady 2- Shure! Shure! You're perfectly right, Mrs. Murphy ...... Thats just like her. They say she's so tight she squeaks. Yes, you're right. They say she spilt a bottle ot Iodine and then she cut her husband's tinger so i. wouldn't be wasted. fL8,l.1gl1SJ. Ay! That's what. Indeed .............. You don't say? Thats terrible. Oh! Don't believe a word that one tells you .......... Humph. She's got a tongue with a hinge in the middle and she talks on both sides ...... tRap at the doorl. Mrs. O'Grady:- Say, sorry, I'll have io ring off, Mrs. Murphy. There be sctneone at the door. I'll call ye back. Hangs up receiver and opens door. Mrs. O'Grady:- Well, sir, what can I do fer ye? Gentleman:- Mrs. O'Grady. I pre- sumef' Mrs. O'Grady:- Your presuxnin is right, sir. Gentleman:- I'm Hawkins ,the cen- sus taker. Mrs. O'Grady:4 There Eze no one here with any sense, now, let alone try- ing to take some away. Mr. Hawkins:- You misunderstand me, Mrs. O'Grady. I'm the man who keeps track of your income, expenses, et:. Mrs. O'tGrady: I see. Bu: I'n1 a'- warning ye theres more of an outcome in this place than there be any income. Mr. Hawkins:- Well, to get down to business. You keep boarders do you not? Mrs. O'Grady nods her head. Mr. Hawkins:-t'And you have three children going to school and a husband earning? Mrs. O'Grady:- Shure, I've got a husband but as far as earning any- thing. He's out of work and not bring- ing in a cent. Mr. Hawkins:- XVell, I'll make a note of it. How many boarders have you a. present, Mrs. O'G1'ady? Mrs. O'Grady:- Four and one half. Mr. Hawkins:-tStartledl Four and one-half? Mrs. O'Grady:g Yes, four steddy ones and one that be only half here. Mr. Hawkins:-tlaaughingt Would you please call your boarders down. Mrs. O'Grady? Mrs. O'Grady:- Shure, I'll be pleas- ed to do that fer ye ........ tExitl. Enter Mrs. O'G1'ady and four of the boarders. Mr, Hawkins:- Is that all, Mrs. O'Grady? I thought you said you had five? Mrs. O'Grady:-UNO, sir, foul' and a half. The half will be down immed- iately. Enter Mr. Smith. Mr. Hawkins:- Sir Herbert Jenks! Az last I have found you, sir. I have searched the continent for you. Private detectives are all over London. They

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THE L. C. I. TATLER 25 were afraid you had been forcefully removed. Sir! Oh, can it really be you, sir'?' Mr. Smith'-KNOW Sir Herbert JQI'-liSi Yes, it is I. This is IHS' valet, Hawkins -Mrs. O'Grady. my landlady, Mr. and Mrs. Peunyfeather and Miss Marilyn Ross, Miss Clorinda Potts. fellow hoard- ers, They shake hands. Sir Herbert:- But why this pose, Hawkins? Hawkins:- Well, you see sir, I met some jolly chaps on board and we had a few games of billiards, and thus when I arrived I found myself broke, cleaned cut. sir. So I turned census taker. Sir H6l'lJ9l'iIf'il see Hawkins. But, anyway you found me, old chap. Miss Ross:-tsiinpering at Hawkinsl And l1e's actually handsome. Mrs. Pennyfeather:- And you're not Smith at all but Jenks, Sir Herbert Jenks. I've read some volumes by him. But why the mon de plume? Sir Herbert:- VVell, you see, my dear lady. I came to your country to cb ain seclusion and get new ideas for original characters. I have written novels on France, England and Ger- many but not yet have I written one on Canada and Canadians. Miss Potts:- And yon're really the famous author? Sir Herbert:-tratlier anologeticallyi Yes, I'n1 Herbert Jenks, alright, but as for being famous, I hardly dare- er consider myself as such. Mis-s Pot.s:fT'his is too much for me. The dogtor warned me not to get excited. Oh! My heart! Where are my smelling salts? tShe fumbles in It hand- bag and then relapses Iiack into a chair audible sniffing at the saltsl. Miss Ros's:+ But to think that the census Laker twith a charming smile! turns out to be an earl's valet, and the peculiar hoarder a real lord! Mrs. Pennyfeathem- Well, you knov., George, I always thought there was something to that 1nan. Miss P0tts:ftrevivingl Well, that doesn't signify any.hing! Miss M. Ross:-tTo Hawkinsl May I shake your hand again? tThey shaker. THE END +,,. 7, - TVVO TEN DOLLAR BILLS tFirSt Prize Sr. Short Storyj The doctor stretched leisurely in a great 1-hair before the tire. draw- ing' eententedly at his pipe. The evening papers were seattered on tht' floor. The room was still. and the rain heating' on the roof at-eentuated the 4-heerfulness of the rosy study' This quiet relaxation and ease helped to dispel his fatigue. Suddenly the telephone sounded sharply. The dorttr sighed. hesitated a moment. lt rang' again almost impatiently. Ile leaned at-ross the little table and pieked up tl1e receiver. llello, yes. Yes l'll rome at om-e. l ean't make it in less than a half-hour. he added as he replared the reeeiver. tiutside. the hitter Mareh wind whined through the naked trees. The streets were banked with dirty, slnshy snow, a11d water ran in little streams down the rurb. The doetor shivered. illl'll01l up his eollar and bent his head from the wi11d. Ile must hurry. llis ear shot out from the drive, skidding as it turned on to the main road. Ten miles to go. Ile should make it in twenty minutes, he mused. He left the city behind, taking a side road that led beyond the eanal, to a distriet inhabited ehiefly by foreiggners. It had stopped raining now, hut the dot-tor did not notice, nor did he notice the hleak deserted- ness of the road. Suddenly the red point of a cigarette appeared. It was lllflVl11g' eloser, then it I-ireled and disappeared in a shower of sparks. Instinm-tively the doctor slowed up, as he swerved a massive ligure darted irom the ditch and jllllllletl to the Plllllllllg' hoard. The motor stopped. The stranger eonimanded i11 a snarling voice, Get outa there.