Lindsay Collegiate and Vocational Institute - Tatler Yearbook (Lindsay, Ontario Canada)

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THE L.C.L TATLER 23 Mr. Smith:- Smith is my name. I said James Smith. Mrs. O'Grady:- Thank ye, I didn't quite catch it the first time, Well Mishter Smith, maybe ye heercl too, that I be rather hard up. Me husband's out of work and I got three kids that all agoing to school. Yes, and a hand- somer bunch I never dit see, it I do say it myself, as I shouldn't. And the clothin' and the feedin' of thim and fer one pair of hands gestiiculating is shure no cinch! Mr. Smith:- Yes, I realize times are not easy. But for the terms? Mrs. O'Grady:- Well, seeing as me husband is out of work and because of thim kids of mine, the best I can do for ye is to lex it at seven. Mr. Sllllllll- TI13.t'S splendid. I'll pay you in advance right now, t'I'akes bills from his pocketl. Mrs. O'G1'HdYI+ Tll21llk ye, sir. If ye'll follow me, I'll show you to your loom. Curtain. ' Scene 2 This scene takes place in the dining room Where the table is set for five people. Four of the boarders and M1's. O'Grady are on the stage with two children peeking around the door be- hind her. Scene 2 Mrs. O?Grady:- A new gintilman arrived this morning and of all the queer mixtures I ever did lay me eyes on. he's the worst. He calls himself Smith. Marilyn:- Is he good-looking at all, Mrs. O'Grady? Mrs. O'Grady:- Not in the least. New would ye all like to sit in or wait on the gintilman? Mr. Pennyfeather:A Perhaps we had better wait for this fellow Smith. Miss Potts:- Mrs, O'Grady, are you sure that the front door is closed? I feel a slight draught and you know, the doctor especially warned me to keep out of any drauglits as they were dangerous to a constitution as delicate as mine. Mrs. O'Grady leaves the room. Mrs. Pennyfeather: - Well, you know Miss Potts I have never been really sick with the exception of sea sickness, which I had the time I went over to London and travelled in Eur- ope. The channel was rather tempestu-- ous. Believe me, Miss Potts, you wouldn't last long down there where they have malaria. Miss Potts:- Well, that doesn't sig- nify anything. Mrs. Pennyfeather:-tSarciasticallyJ It wouldn't! Mr. Pennyfeather:- Well, Jane, you were done up with the flu yourself last winter. Mrs. O'G1'ady re-enters. Mike O'Grady:-tOne of the child- renl That's telling them. tBridget and Mike snickelxl Mrs. Pennyfeatlier: - tfreezinglyi George, you need'nt drag up all my little sick spells and in front of those children, too. tChildren snicker again.J Mrs. O'G1'ady:-tTo children! Get to the kitchen, you ill-mannered cubs. I smell the spudsf' Exit the two children. Enter Mr. Smith. The boarders all rise and Mrs. O'Grady introduces them. Much confusion ensues while the intro- duction is being acknowledged with hand-shaking. The boarders sit flown at the taile and Mrs. O'Grady goes out of the room. While she is gone there is a dead silence. She enters with some dishes which she passes to the bou1'ders., There is now a great deal of talk and laughter while they help themselves. Mrs. O'Grady:- I've got strawberry shortcake for dessert. tExitl. Miss Clorinda:f Ancl I break out all over my arms and farce when l eat strawberry shortcake. I can't. I sim- ply mustn't take any chances. Mr. Pennyfeather:f Well, it's too bad you cannot eat your dessert, Miss Potts, but then that leaves all the more for the rest of us. Mrs. Pennyfeather : H- George, George! Don't be vulgar! Mr. Pennyfeather:- XVell, I believe in calling a spade a spade and when I'm hungry I say so. Mr. Smith:- I agree with you, sir. I most certainly do. Mrs. Pennyfeather: - Thank-you, sir. Mr. Siuizh:- This wonderful display of food reminds me of the banquet that was given me at the House of Com- mons, in their immense banquet hall. Mrs. Pennyfeather1- Plumpl:! If you've seen the outside of that building I'd be surprised let alone banquetting in it. Indeed! Mr. Smith:- Seen the outside of it. Why my deah lady, I resided thcre for some time. While we are discussing travelling I might tell you that I have stopped at Queen's Hall-My mother and sister are staying there now. l have visited Buckingham Palace and had a private audience with the King. Quite a jolly old fellow! Oh yes, I've done some things that might surprise you, in fact I'm sure they would.

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24 THE L. C. I. TA TLER Mrs. Pennyfeather:- The man must be a lunatic. His mentality is no high- er than an animal. Mr. Smithz- tGrinning slightly? You know Darwin maintains that we all sprang from monkeys? Marilyn:- Yeah! and some oi us ciidn't spring far enough. Mr. Smith:-tlaughingl Ha! Ha, Ha, Hu! That's a good one, Miss. tOther boarders stare. They think Mr. Snith slightly offb. Miss Potts:-t'Well. that doesn't sig- nify anything. tRap at the doorl. Enter an asylum guard who removes his hai and says: Pardon me for in- truding at this hour but one of the lunatiis has escaped from the asylum and we are afraid he might do some harm before being recaptured. So we are warning everyone and asking them to keep a sharp watch for him. Thank you kindly. Good-day. Marilyn:+tXVith a little shriek? Oi1! An escaped lunatic. Er ........ Ex- cuse me. I don't think I can finish my dessert. tExiLl. Mrs. Pennyfeather:-:Excuse us too, please. George and I have some busi- ness to arrange. Come George! Miss Potts:- Oh! It's my heart agin. The doctor warned me and any- way I can't eat strawberries. An escap- ed lunatic! Oh-Oli-Oh tgetting hys- terical, she takes out smelling saltsl Oh! tExitl. tMrs. O'G1'ady and Smith are left staring at each other. She is evidently very upset, while he appears bev.ilder- ed.l Smith:-t'What is the matter with them, Mrs. O'Grady'? Surely you can't think that the lunaticfthat I am the- Oh. thats ridiculous. Why are you going too? LA hurried exit by Mrs O'Gradyl. tHe turns his attention back to the table, pushes all their plates towards his and begins to eat them all with great relish. All the time he is laugh- ing heartilyl. Smith:- Well, i.'s an ill wind that blows no one good. Curtain. Scene 3. Opens with Mrs. O'Grady speaking on the telephone. Scene 3. Mrs. O'Grady 2- Shure! Shure! You're perfectly right, Mrs. Murphy ...... Thats just like her. They say she's so tight she squeaks. Yes, you're right. They say she spilt a bottle ot Iodine and then she cut her husband's tinger so i. wouldn't be wasted. fL8,l.1gl1SJ. Ay! That's what. Indeed .............. You don't say? Thats terrible. Oh! Don't believe a word that one tells you .......... Humph. She's got a tongue with a hinge in the middle and she talks on both sides ...... tRap at the doorl. Mrs. O'Grady:- Say, sorry, I'll have io ring off, Mrs. Murphy. There be sctneone at the door. I'll call ye back. Hangs up receiver and opens door. Mrs. O'Grady:- Well, sir, what can I do fer ye? Gentleman:- Mrs. O'Grady. I pre- sumef' Mrs. O'Grady:- Your presuxnin is right, sir. Gentleman:- I'm Hawkins ,the cen- sus taker. Mrs. O'Grady:4 There Eze no one here with any sense, now, let alone try- ing to take some away. Mr. Hawkins:- You misunderstand me, Mrs. O'Grady. I'm the man who keeps track of your income, expenses, et:. Mrs. O'tGrady: I see. Bu: I'n1 a'- warning ye theres more of an outcome in this place than there be any income. Mr. Hawkins:- Well, to get down to business. You keep boarders do you not? Mrs. O'Grady nods her head. Mr. Hawkins:-t'And you have three children going to school and a husband earning? Mrs. O'Grady:- Shure, I've got a husband but as far as earning any- thing. He's out of work and not bring- ing in a cent. Mr. Hawkins:- XVell, I'll make a note of it. How many boarders have you a. present, Mrs. O'G1'ady? Mrs. O'Grady:- Four and one half. Mr. Hawkins:-tStartledl Four and one-half? Mrs. O'Grady:g Yes, four steddy ones and one that be only half here. Mr. Hawkins:-tlaaughingt Would you please call your boarders down. Mrs. O'Grady? Mrs. O'Grady:- Shure, I'll be pleas- ed to do that fer ye ........ tExitl. Enter Mrs. O'G1'ady and four of the boarders. Mr, Hawkins:- Is that all, Mrs. O'Grady? I thought you said you had five? Mrs. O'Grady:-UNO, sir, foul' and a half. The half will be down immed- iately. Enter Mr. Smith. Mr. Hawkins:- Sir Herbert Jenks! Az last I have found you, sir. I have searched the continent for you. Private detectives are all over London. They