Lindsay Collegiate and Vocational Institute - Tatler Yearbook (Lindsay, Ontario Canada)

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22 THE L. Cl TATLE1? Literary ONE NEVER KNOWS A Comedy In One Act First Prize in Original Play Competition tlly Miltlrefl O'Lea11-,vl THE CAST .Iames Smith, an Englishman with a decided English accent who arouses mysterious and uncomfortable feelings in the boarding house occupants. His one dark blue suit is worn throughout the whole play. On his head is a plug a. boat and has been seasick ever hat. Mrs. O'Gratly, a good natnred Irish- woinan with a slight Irish accent. She wears a bright-looking house dress and large apron throughout the three scenes. Mrs. Pennyfeather, extremely cultur- ed, wears a monocle. She has been on since. Her clothes are exceedingly stylish. Mr. Pennyfeather. a Loarder whose wife is and seems likely to remain the head of his household. He is dressed in a grey tweed business suit. Miss Clorinda Potts, an old maid who believes that every breath she draws is going to be her last. Her clothes are dark, long and unbeconiing. Miss Marilyn Ross, a stenographer who chews gum all the time and talks slang. Her dress is extremely brief, lrilliant and not unbeconiing. Hawkins, a census taker who has been an English valet. He arrives in a critical moment and explains the mys- tery. He is dressed rather floppishly and carries a cane. Bridget and Michael, Mrs. O'Grady's children. They are very mischievous. They wear play-clothes that show the ettect of wind and rain. Asylum Guard, who is dressed in a blue uniform. One Never Knows Scene:-In a boarding house. Scene 1:-In the kitchen of house. One small bench. Mrs. O'Grady, Mr. Smith. Scene 2:-In the dining room. Table set for tive. Mrs. O'Grady, Mr. Penny- teather, Miss Marilyn Ross. Miss Clor- inda Potts, Bridget and Michael. Mr. James Smith. Scene 1 Scene 1:-Opens with Mrs. O'Grady at a small bench paring potatoes. Her sleeves are rolled up above her elbows. She is singing Come back to Erin. Scene 1 Mis, O'Grady:- Come 'back to Erin: Mti':ouriieen, Mavourneen, oh! Shure'n I got me thumb that time tTears up a, pie:e ot white cloth. Ties it around lxer finger.l That comes of givin' yer business to a stranger to the town. Faith'n the skin on thim spuds is an inch thick and look at thim blotches. Though these do be cheap they're not xv-Qrtli u cent more than I give for thim. tRap at door? Och! 'Dhere goes that clern dhure agin anti one in sich a mess, I wonder who it can be. Come In. Walk right in. fNo responsel. Come in, I say. I can't come to the dhure now. Say what ails ye out there? Be ye deaf? tShe goes to the door and opens it up quicklyl. Now what do ye want? tGentleman enters with a suitf case. Mrs. O'Grady stands with arms akimho and looks at the suittsasel. Nah! I don't wan: any of yer cook-books, magazines, baby soothers, ten thousand ways to get rich, shoe-laces. or .lny of that rubbish ye peddlers have to bone off on a phure womin trying to hold her own in the wur1d. Mr. Smith:- Pahdon, the intrusion, Madam. but can this be the abode of Mrs. Patrick O'Grady? The lady who keeps roomers? My name is Smith, James Smith. Mis. O'Grady:-tSeeing him now as a prospect! Sure'n tha.t'll be me. Can I do anything fer ye? Sure I keep boarders. Leastaways, when I can git thim. Mr. Smith:- Yes, yes. The police- man infohnied me that you would lbe glad to have anyone stop for a while. Mrs. O'Grady:- Well, Mister- er- tSuggestivelyJ.

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THE L. GL TA TLER 21 lVe l't Q,l'0f vei-,V lllllfll illilt Olll' svlmul llilS nut lwtlll l'ttlll t'Sk1l1fPll Ili this 1-1111ve11ti1111 f1:1' swine ,ve111-s. Olll' illlllillvllf lll1lll:fPl'k'lll'9 l'0Slllfl'4l 111 our not heiiig' iiutitietl ef tl1is 'VP2ll'.S 1'1111ve11tin11 whivh was hehl t'2ll'ly i11 fIl'fOl1Pl'. 11114l whivh 2l1'l'1.l'1llllQ.L' tu p1'ess l'b'IlUl'fS w11s Slll'l'QSSflll, witl1 l'6lll'l,' se11t11tives present fl'Ulll l1l'ill'flt'2lllj' every 1-ity 111111 t11w11 i11 tl1e l'1'41vi114'e. If the l'Pllll'IlS ut Tl1e Tilfllll' IIIOPT 41111' il1lllt'llD2lllOl1 tl1is ye111' The T11tle1- tilll he lfllllt-'HPIli'P4l llll'l'P tl1is f11ll. iiiallf THE SCHOOL'S TATLER A eopy of eveigv 'l'11tle1- lllllllllilllfll i11 tl1e s1'i14111l si111-e its i111111g111'11ti1111 eighteen j'Pill'S ugh, w1.11hl 111111141 1111 iliterestiiig set 1111 the shelves uf the selimrl lil11-.11'jv. lint these l:m,ks 111'e 111:t 111'11il11hle 1111w: it wmihl he elit- tivult tu ti111l il copy of the emlitifm of twu j'P1ll'S 113112 Yet ilffltl' 9il4'll puh- lie11tic111 is issueil. lllilll-V 1-upies ill'tJ left i11 the st-limxl lllll'ill',V, 111111 e1'e11 Zlfffl' tl1e HXl'll2lll22,'H h11s IDPQ-111 111.1ile4l, six 111- seven 1-e11111i11. It the lihi-111'i1111 wc:11l1l take 4:11e pf these 1111rl s11it11l1ly lllEll'li it. the l1l'UlIPl'f'Y of the st-litml, it voultl he lIl2ll'Wl llllilll the shelf 11114l 11s e111'h s111'c-ee4li11g' yllill' hi-4111gl1t illlliflltl' th its sitle s11u11 il Villllilljlt' 11111l i11te1-esti11g t'4llll't'll11ll wmihl have 2ll'l'llllllll2lfP1l. There is 21 etrpy of l11st ye111-'s luml: 2lV2lll2llllV, this will he 11111,-tl1e1-. Let this 1-ollevti1111 he ll1 g'llll this y4 ill' 11114l i11 t'11t111-e 'VP2ll'S the NV11it1'1-s' Vlnh will lumw what it lllllSl Slll'l12lSS tn llilVP the hest 'Vl'lll' lmuk i11 s1'l1m1l histt11'y. li, .l. II. THE ALUMNI SOCIETY I'll.l'Sl1lllt1 lllllillONVll l'lilS4ill the st111le11ts h11Ve 114.t 114lnpte1l the Slllillltlltl suggestiuu of 11111- I1111141111-eil te111:l1e1's, llr. Ki1'km1111ell 11111l Mr. Blilvhllllilll, of 111-g1111izi11g 1111 Al1111111i S411-iety i11 tl1e L. C. I. Tl1is e:litt11-i11l is i11spi1-ell hy tl1e tl1f111gl1t th11t were The T11tle1- to utter El few SllQ'gPSi'lllllS, some 116-ti4111 llllgllf he l'iilif'1l tu 111'g.:1111ize il sm-iety i11 the 11e111- fllllll'P. IYhv not 1-11ll 21 s1e1-i11l 111eeti11U' after tl1e l':ilSfl-'l' l1uli1l11vs lim' tl1e ' . 1 rx 1 1 . 1 p111'pt:se at 1l1Sl'llSSl1lg' illlll lll'ilNVlllg' up 11 1-n11st1t11t1u11 tm- Slll'll il society, :lull elevt 1111 exe-1-11ti1'e fm- tl1e fulluwiiig' ye111'? This exet-11tiVe might he elmseii fl'0lll this YPHIJS g'1'114l1111ti11g 4-l11ss3 hut it might hewell to ll2lV9 the fl1Ll'l'S'S 1f1111li110' Se1'1'et111-V one who will he hei-e IIHXT VP2ll'. This wuulfl s P' . D . lTQl'lllll' the 11:.1-11espo111le111'e to he se11t to the t'nlleg111te. Many svliools have 11 Slll f'9SSflll Ixlllllllll Stwiety 11114l 11s most of 0111- g'l'.Iflllill'PS l6 ,lVP Li111ls115' fm' the hig centres, there is 11ll the lllOl'0 1'ez1so11 why such il suviety wouhl he 11pp1'eei11te4l here. Tl1e11 get husy 11fte1' the l1f1li1l11ysl IYe1'e this step to he taken. I feel sure it will never he 1-egrettetl. IV. BRADFORD

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THE L.C.L TATLER 23 Mr. Smith:- Smith is my name. I said James Smith. Mrs. O'Grady:- Thank ye, I didn't quite catch it the first time, Well Mishter Smith, maybe ye heercl too, that I be rather hard up. Me husband's out of work and I got three kids that all agoing to school. Yes, and a hand- somer bunch I never dit see, it I do say it myself, as I shouldn't. And the clothin' and the feedin' of thim and fer one pair of hands gestiiculating is shure no cinch! Mr. Smith:- Yes, I realize times are not easy. But for the terms? Mrs. O'Grady:- Well, seeing as me husband is out of work and because of thim kids of mine, the best I can do for ye is to lex it at seven. Mr. Sllllllll- TI13.t'S splendid. I'll pay you in advance right now, t'I'akes bills from his pocketl. Mrs. O'G1'HdYI+ Tll21llk ye, sir. If ye'll follow me, I'll show you to your loom. Curtain. ' Scene 2 This scene takes place in the dining room Where the table is set for five people. Four of the boarders and M1's. O'Grady are on the stage with two children peeking around the door be- hind her. Scene 2 Mrs. O?Grady:- A new gintilman arrived this morning and of all the queer mixtures I ever did lay me eyes on. he's the worst. He calls himself Smith. Marilyn:- Is he good-looking at all, Mrs. O'Grady? Mrs. O'Grady:- Not in the least. New would ye all like to sit in or wait on the gintilman? Mr. Pennyfeather:A Perhaps we had better wait for this fellow Smith. Miss Potts:- Mrs, O'Grady, are you sure that the front door is closed? I feel a slight draught and you know, the doctor especially warned me to keep out of any drauglits as they were dangerous to a constitution as delicate as mine. Mrs. O'Grady leaves the room. Mrs. Pennyfeather: - Well, you know Miss Potts I have never been really sick with the exception of sea sickness, which I had the time I went over to London and travelled in Eur- ope. The channel was rather tempestu-- ous. Believe me, Miss Potts, you wouldn't last long down there where they have malaria. Miss Potts:- Well, that doesn't sig- nify anything. Mrs. Pennyfeather:-tSarciasticallyJ It wouldn't! Mr. Pennyfeather:- Well, Jane, you were done up with the flu yourself last winter. Mrs. O'G1'ady re-enters. Mike O'Grady:-tOne of the child- renl That's telling them. tBridget and Mike snickelxl Mrs. Pennyfeatlier: - tfreezinglyi George, you need'nt drag up all my little sick spells and in front of those children, too. tChildren snicker again.J Mrs. O'G1'ady:-tTo children! Get to the kitchen, you ill-mannered cubs. I smell the spudsf' Exit the two children. Enter Mr. Smith. The boarders all rise and Mrs. O'Grady introduces them. Much confusion ensues while the intro- duction is being acknowledged with hand-shaking. The boarders sit flown at the taile and Mrs. O'Grady goes out of the room. While she is gone there is a dead silence. She enters with some dishes which she passes to the bou1'ders., There is now a great deal of talk and laughter while they help themselves. Mrs. O'Grady:- I've got strawberry shortcake for dessert. tExitl. Miss Clorinda:f Ancl I break out all over my arms and farce when l eat strawberry shortcake. I can't. I sim- ply mustn't take any chances. Mr. Pennyfeather:f Well, it's too bad you cannot eat your dessert, Miss Potts, but then that leaves all the more for the rest of us. Mrs. Pennyfeather : H- George, George! Don't be vulgar! Mr. Pennyfeather:- XVell, I believe in calling a spade a spade and when I'm hungry I say so. Mr. Smith:- I agree with you, sir. I most certainly do. Mrs. Pennyfeather: - Thank-you, sir. Mr. Siuizh:- This wonderful display of food reminds me of the banquet that was given me at the House of Com- mons, in their immense banquet hall. Mrs. Pennyfeather1- Plumpl:! If you've seen the outside of that building I'd be surprised let alone banquetting in it. Indeed! Mr. Smith:- Seen the outside of it. Why my deah lady, I resided thcre for some time. While we are discussing travelling I might tell you that I have stopped at Queen's Hall-My mother and sister are staying there now. l have visited Buckingham Palace and had a private audience with the King. Quite a jolly old fellow! Oh yes, I've done some things that might surprise you, in fact I'm sure they would.