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Page 12 text:
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Moving quickly through the halls of Lincoln-Sudbury, Senioritis Disease is fast becoming a real danger. Senioritis is a sickness that hollows out and destroys the minds of seniors, thus posing a direct threat to the future of our nation. Officials of the school nurses’ office confirmed yesterday that over 25 percent of the student population is susceptible to a new strain of Senioritis. The report elaborated that while the disease is now under relative control, it is likely to reach epidemic levels as more seniors are accepted to college. The symptoms of this years strain are consistent with those of previous years. One unfortunate student, after having been accepted to Harvard, Yale, Cornell and Princeton in the same day, testified before a special Senior Class Meeting and warned his classmates about the dangers of being accepted to college. He told of his compul- sion to throw freshmen through windows, skip classes and ignore assigned work. The senior, while physically forcing a student to do his “English 9” homework (a torture within itself), commented that he just “didn’t give two — anymore.” In past years, recalls one Hall Director, “all hell broke loose.” This was in regard to a sex-a-thon sponsored by the senior class. For years, Anatomy and Physiology teachers have been conducting research on how an acceptance letter from a college can create serious brain malfunction. According to a statement released by a cafeteria spokeswoman, seniors who have consumed too much chocolate cake over a four year period experience inflammation and sponginess of the brain. While this is regarded as theory, teachers do have some concrete suggestions on how the disease might be curbed. It is reasoned, by one auto shop teacher, that after seniors have applied to college their eyes could be surgically removed. This would reduce the likelihood of students reading their acceptance letters and thus catching the disease. One member of the school committee supported the new concept and ordered that the Science Department proceed ‘full steam ahead’’ and immediately start putting their suction cups to work in removing seniors’ eyes. It was also suggested that once the school had possession of the eyes they could be sold back to the students after graduation, as a means of increasing revenue for the school. This is not the only way that the faculty here at Lincoln-Sudbury plans to combat the sickness. Superintendent David Levington announced today that he would be meeting with Former President Ford, as well as other Republican leaders, to discuss the possibility of converting left-over Swine Flu Shots into Senioritis vaccination. If Levington’s plan is workable, freshmen enrolled in Earth Science Courses, would be put to work (for Service Component credit) preparing the new drug. One of the unfortunate side-effects of the new medication, however, is sterility, similar to that now being experienced by males who walk through the library’s radioactive security system. This aspect of the drug was hailed by a group of Sudbury residents who petitioned the School Committee to ‘nip our budget problems in the bud.” It is their reasoning that through sterility, future enrollments at the high school are likely to decrease, saving the town millions in decreased budget expenditures. Senioritis, as you can see, is a very serious disease and is one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. If left unchecked it will corrode the brains of next year’s seniors and the seniors after them. jon david
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