Lansing Central High School - Oracle Yearbook (Lansing, MI)

Page 16 text:

'C the sinners do be orful this year, last night 23 Went forward and T23 went backward, and he groaned in spirit. IVell sez I you need sunthin to brace you up, and I have the thing, it is composed of roots, hurbs and pure malt licker. IVhen I sez lieker I noticed a slight elevation of his right ear, so I knew I was on the right track. Sez he, air you sure that there licker is pure? Yes, sez I, war- ranted to make a man so in 10 minutes he can't see the holes in a ladder. 't Gimme 12 bottles, sez he, which I did and done them up on the spot in one of Georgie Fields' Iligh Skul Observers. I after ward learned the poor feller died, but I was to busy a visitin, the sick and aiilicted to inquire of the undertaker whether it was the rubarb or what the medesin was done up in that killed him off. IVhen I got off at North Lansing a draymun, who had part af the sermun on the mount printed on one side of his wagun and 't In God we trust all others pay as you go H on the other, hollered for me to get out of the road as his horse was fond of grass. After I had counted all the ribs in his old horse except 2 iloatin' ribs on the off side, I jest kum to the natural konklusion that his appetite did tend that way and hustled acordingly. The first house I stopped at the woman throwed 2 sticks of cord wood and the stove iron at me jest because I kicked her dog olf of the frunt stoop. NVhen I tried to rcmonstrate with her and sell her a little renovater to kam her nerves. for every time she throwed high and to the right, she told me if I stopped to arger she'd have the depity-konstnbble lock me up three hours in the ladies waiting room at the North Lansing depo. It is simply surprisin' how fast a man kin move in an enierguncqv. Then l tried a barber shop for I sec a bald heded man in there readin' a paper. I walked in. Sez I to him, sez I. Hdon't the flies trubble you orful in the summer time? Ile never said a word but ketched two on his hed that were lightinl over a bred crumb and pulled their laigs off. Then I told him I had an article that would make his hair so long 110

Page 15 text:

311 C1'iifD11EiC. To those who graduate from the Lansing Iligh Skule I would offer a word of advice. In the lirst place you are to well edicated to saw wood or pedal tin-wire, but if you are bound to pedal begin on sunthin easy like seven dollar bibles and never try patent medesin unless you can read human natur. I my self have bin in the patent medesin business nearly li munths and have had a variety of ex-periences, hoping many who imbark in the business may proiit by what I have to say I will re-pete my ex- periences in story form. TVe only had in 20 akers of corn and 12 akers of potatoes so as there wasnit enough hoein to keep me busy looked around and ubtained an agency for Montgomeryds Great St-ummick and Liver Ilenovator, composed of roots, hurbs, caster ile, rubarb, poty-folin, and other such mild lacksitives, very pleasin to the taste and agreein with the most delikut systim. I got a good supply of this medisin and after killin off as many ol' my poor relashun as Idared without exsiten publick suspicion, de- cided to vacate the premises. I had jest ten shillin in my pokit-buk and that being the exact fare to Lansin, konkluded to make that my next terrotory. I got on the kars and sot down by a feller who wore a prince- alburt koat and a white nekty and I knew in a miuit he was ingaged in some kind of church work, so I asked him if he had a cerkit. He said he was aholdin revival meetins and was up so much nights and had so much responsibility that he was just about played out. It seems he had jest ben down to Lansing for he sez to me sez he, 109

Page 17 text:

in 3 weeks-or longer, he would look like Paddyuisky. Ile bought 6 bottles and poured 2 of them on his head to unct. Xow there must have bin sunthin in that medesin which smarted for he reared and charged, and took on terrible. I had business down the street allto unct, but the last I see of him he was bootin every body within reach and a sharpenin razors on the stove pipe. It was so near 12 olclock decided to postpone business and get 1ny dinner, so I went in to Ii. I3. Shank tk Cofs and bought 2 doz. of them non-eombustable buns. but after I had scraped the rust off a couple desided I wasnlt hungry a bit. However, I took them buns home jest the same. white washed them and put the hull 2 dozen around a posy bed in our frunt- yard. As I continued my way down the street I met the Orakul bord a airin of them selves. I got right off the side walk and raised my hat but they were a feelin to proud to speak and only reviled me and kicked slivers in my eyes. The next house I stopped at I see a girl reklinin on pillows with her hed tied up in a sling. Sez I to her mother. after I had tirst in- serted my satchel between the door and then squeezed through myself. sez I. Madum I perceave by cirkurnstances your darter has some ailment, and is about the billyustist lookin critter I ever sot my eyes on ', Yesf, sez she, I am afraid my girl studies to hard. this is her first year in the high schoolf' and she fondly smiled on a latin gram- mer and a algerber a layin on the table. Yes, sez I, I infer from what you have said that your darter is a freshmun. She donlt sleep nights. she is to orful smart to sleep nights. and she has week laigs. that's because of her great heft of inteleekf, Now madum I have a remedy- but the womun wouldn't listen at all and before you could say 4' Guvernur Ric-hls guvernment galluses ll she had chased me acrost 7 vacant lots ketched me by the kollar, and had 2 panels of bob-wire fence knocked down with me. Finally she yanked me around jest a little more, booted me about Q furlongs farther and left me in piece. in